Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 8, DECEMBER 22, 2008, THE ISLANDER
Dam Bony.
How to beat the wrap
By Dave Barry
trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepow
er!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the
important thing is not what you give,
or how you wrap it. The important
thing, during this very special time of
year, is that you save the receipt.
This classic DAVE BARRY col
umn was originally published Dec.
9, 2001.
(C) 2008 The Miami Herald. Dist.
by Tribune Media Services.
Dave Barry is a humor columnist
for the Miami Herald.
Write to him do Tropic Maga
zine, The Miami Herald, One Herald
Plaza, Miami FL 33132) □
This is the time of year when we
think back to the very first Christ
mas, when the three Wise Men-Gas-
par, Balthasar and Herb-went to see
the baby Jesus, and, according to the
Book of Matthew, "presented unto
Him gifts: gold, frankincense and
myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we
analyze them carefully, we discover
an important, yet often-overlooked,
theological fact: There is no mention
of wrapping paper. If there had been
wrapping paper, Matthew would have
said so:"And lo, the gifts WERE inside
600 square cubits of paper.
"And the paper WAS festooned with
pictures of Frosty the Snowman.
"And Joseph WAS goingto throweth
it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice
paper! Saveth it for next year!'
"And Joseph DID rolleth his eye
balls.
"And the baby Jesus WAS more
interested in the paper than, for
example, the frankincense."
But these words do not appear
in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT
wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important
characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers.
Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so some
body else can tear it off. This is not
just my opinion; this is a scientific
fact based on a statistical survey of
two guys I know. One is my son, Rob,
who said the only time he ever wraps
a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift
that I don't want to be there when
the person opens it." The other is my
friend Gene Weingarten, who told me
he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle never takes more than 15
seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which
presents Daddy wrapped at Christ
mas," Gene said. "They were the ones
that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of
some defect in my motor skills, I can
never COMPLETELY wrap them. I
can take a gift the size of a deck of
cards and put it in the exact center of
a piece of wrapping paper the size of a
regulation volleyball court, but when
I am done folding and taping, you can
still see a sector of the gift peeking
out. (Sometimes I camouflage this
sector with a marking pen.) If I had
been an ancient Egyptian in the field
of mummies, the lower half of the
Pharaoh's body would be covered only
by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my
wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo
plane. My wife, like many women,
actually LIKES wrapping things. If
she gives you a gift that requires bat
teries, she wraps the batteries sepa
rately, which to me is very close to
being a symptom of mental illness. If
it were possible, my wife would wrap
each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is
one of those skills - like having babies
- that come more naturally to women
than to men. That is why today I am
presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR
MEN
- Whenever possible, buy gifts that
are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's
myrrh.
- The editors of Woman's Day
magazine recently ran an item on how
to make your own wrapping paper by
printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and
liquid starch. They must be smoking
crack.
- If you're giving a hard-to-wrap
gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of
those little adhesive bows on it. This
creates a festive visual effect that is
sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty
trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the
Package Store
Frederica North
3600 Frederica Road
• Our Commitment •
Our Commitment to St. Simons is to have the
Best Stocked, Cleanest, Most Informed,
Most Unique Beer, Wine, Whiskey
Shop Anywhere Around, Bar None
"Walk, Thumb or Bum, Just Don't Drive Dumb"
912-638-8610 • fax 912-638-8613 • 19thhole@bellsouth.net
Movie Night
> -Sponsored by the St. Simons Library League
Young at Heart
Wednesday,
January 7
2 p.m. & 7 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Young at Heart." USA/UK, 2007, directed
by Stephen Walker. Over the last 25 years, there
has existed a group of senior citizens living In
Northampton, Massachusetts, who refuse to
let age and III health get them down. This Is a
documentary based on the lives of the current
singing group of 24 senior citizens, brought to
the big screen by British filmmaker, Stephen
Walker, who saw their performance In London.
109 minutes; Rated PG.
Upcoming Movies Include:
January 14 - Capote • January 28 - Under the Same Moon
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.
Send the Perfect Christmas Gift
A Subscription to
^Uve DNewfuzp&i
$20.00 in Glynn County
$22.00 out of Glynn County
Call (912) 265-9654 or send your check to
The Islander Newspaper
P.O. Box 20539, St. Simons Island, GA 31522
50% of every new subscription will be donated to
Qlynn County 4-H or Qlynn County Animal Services
Gift From: Name
Phone
Address
City
State
Zip.
Payment Method: Check #
VISA# - - - exp.
Gift For: Name
MasterCard # - - - exp.
Phone
Address
City
State
Zip.