Newspaper Page Text
THE ISLANDER, JANUARY 5, 2009, PAGE 11
Dave Barry
Continued from Page 9
Speaking of uncertainty, in ...
SEPTEMBER
...the Republican convention gets off
to a tentative start in St. Paul, Minn.,
when President Bush and Vice Presi
dent Cheney are unable to attend,
partly because of Hurricane Gustav,
and partly because the organizers
told them that the convention was
in Atlanta. The mood improves when
Sarah Palin dazzles the delegates with
her winning smile, detailed knowl
edge of what is on the teleprompter,
and spot-on imitation of Tina Fey. The
next night, John McCain, formally
accepting the nomination, pledges to
run "a totally incoherent campaign."
None of this is reported in the media
because the entire press corps is in
Wasilla, Alaska, investigating rumors
that Palin once dated a yeti.
But the presidential campaign is
soon overshadowed by the troubled
economy. The federal government is
finally forced to take over Fannie Mae
and Freddie Mac after they are caught
selling crack at a middle school. But
that is not enough, as major financial
institutions, having lost hundreds of
billions of dollars thanks to years of
engaging in practices ranging from
questionable to moronic, begin failing,
which gives the federal government an
idea: Why not give these institutions
MORE hundreds of billions of dollars,
generously provided by taxpayers?
This plan is discussed and debated
in urgent meetings in Washington
attended by the president, the cabinet,
congressional leaders, Sen. Obama,
Sen. McCain and all other concerned
parties except the actual taxpayers,
who are not invited because they are,
with all due respect, way too stupid to
understand high finance. The taxpay
ers are repeatedly assured, however,
that unless they fork over $700 bil
lion, the economy will go right down
the toilet.
And so it comes to pass that in ...
OCTOBER
...Congress passes, and Technically
Still President Bush signs, the Emer
gency Economic Stabilization Act of
2008, and everyone heaves a sigh
of relief as the economy stabilizes
for approximately 2.7 seconds, after
which it resumes going down the toilet.
As world financial markets collapse
like fraternity pledges at a keg party
and banks fail around the world, the
International Monetary Fund imple
ments an emergency program under
which anybody who opens a checking
account anywhere on earth gets a free
developing nation.
But it is not enough; the financial
system is in utter chaos. At one point
a teenage girl in Worcester, Mass.,
attempts to withdraw $25 from an
ATM and winds up acquiring Wells
Fargo.
As the crisis worsens, an angry
Congress, determined to get some
answers, holds hearings and deter
mines that whoever is responsible for
this mess, it is definitely not Congress.
Meanwhile all the cable-TV financial
experts agree that since they totally
failed to predict this disaster, they
will stop pretending they have a clue
what the markets are going to do and
henceforth confine themselves to top
ics they can discuss knowledgeably,
such as what time it is.
Just kidding! They'd get that wrong,
too.
The economy dominates the presi
dential campaign, with the focal point
being "Joe the Plumber," an Ohio
resident who asks Barack Obama a
mildly confrontational question about
tax policy and within hours is more
famous than the Dalai Lama. He draws
intense scrutiny from the news media,
which, using investigative reporters
borrowed from the Palin-yeti beat,
determine that "Joe the Plumber" is
in fact (1) not named Joe, (2) not a
plumber, (3) a citizen of Belgium, and
( 4) biologically, a woman.
In the presidential debates, John
McCain, looking and sounding increas
ingly like the late Walter Brennan,
cites Joe the Plumber a record 847
times while charging that Obama's tax
policies amount to socialism. Obama,
ahead of McCain by double digits in
the polls and several hundred million
dollars in money, skips the debates so
he can work on his inaugural address.
The New York Times declares his per
formance "masterful."
In noneconomic news, a Las Vegas
jury convicts O.J. Simpson on 12
counts of being an unbelievable idiot.
He faces more than 60 years in jail,
which could end his relentless quest to
find the killer of the people he stabbed
to death in 1994.
In sports, the entire nation rejoices
as the World Series is won, yet again,
by a team other than the New York
Yankees.
Speaking of winning, in ...
NOVEMBER
...Barack Obama, in a historic tri
umph, becomes the nation's first black
president since the second season of
"24," setting off an ecstatically joyful
and boisterous all-night celebration
that at times threatens to spill out
of The New York Times newsroom.
Obama, following through on his prom
ise to bring change to Washington,
quickly begins assembling an admin
istration consisting of a diverse group
of renegade outsiders, ranging all the
way from lawyers who attended Ivy
League schools and then worked in
the Clinton administration to lawyers
who attended entirely different Ivy
league schools and then worked in the
Clinton administration.
But the hopeful mood is dampened
by grim economic news. The stock
market plummets farther as investors
realize that the only thing that had
been keeping the economy afloat was
the millions of dollars spent daily on
TV commercials for presidential can
didates explaining how they would fix
the economy. As it becomes increasing
ly clear that the federal government's
plan of giving hundreds of billions
of dollars to dysfunctional companies
has not fixed the problem, the govern
ment comes up with a bold new plan:
give more hundreds of billions of dol
lars to dysfunctional companies. Soon
the government is in a bailout frenzy,
handing out money left and right, at
one point accidentally giving $14 bil
lion to a man delivering a Domino's
pizza to the Treasury building.
More and more companies seek
federal help, among them the troubled
"big three" auto makers, whose chief
executives fly to Washington in three
separate corporate jets to ask Con
gress for $25 billion, explaining that if
they don't get the money, they will be
unable to continue making cars that
Americans are not buying.
In space, NASA's woes continue
when an astronaut attempting to
repair the troubled multibillion-dol-
lar international space station acci
dentally lets go of a special $100,000
space tool bag, which drifts away, tak
ing with it the special $17,000 space
washer needed to fix the station's spe
cial, but troubled, space toilet. NASA
announces that it will now have to
send up a special space plumber, who
charges $38 million an hour.
In sports, New York Giants wide
receiver Plaxico Burress shoots him
self in the thigh in a New York City
nightclub, using a gun he carried to
protect himself from bad things that
might happen to him, such as getting
shot.
Speaking of bad things, in ...
DECEMBER
...the National Bureau of Declar
ing Things That Make You Go "Duh"
declares that the nation has been in a
recession since December of 2007. The
bureau also points out that, according
to its statistical analysis, "for some
time now, bears apparently have been
going to the bathroom in the woods."
The CEOs of the Increasingly Small
Three auto makers return to Wash
ington to resume pleading for a bail
out, this time telling Congress that if
they can reach an agreement that day,
they will throw in the undercoating,
the satellite-radio package AND a set
of floor mats. "We're actually LOSING
MONEY on this deal!" they assure
Congress.
Other businesses requesting fed
eral help as the economy worsens
include Chia Pets, the Oakland Raid
ers and Cher.
President-elect Obama, continu
ing to bring change in the form of
fresh-faced Washington outsiders,
announces that his secretary of state
will be Hillary Clinton. The position of
secretary of defense, currently held by
Bush appointee Robert Gates, will be
filled by Bush appointee Robert Gates.
Responding to rumors that he also
plans to retain Dick Cheney, Obama
insists that he has tried to ask the vice
president to leave, "but nobody knows
where he is."
In other political news, federal
authorities arrest Democratic Illinois
Gov. Rod "Rod" Blagojevich after wire
taps reveal that he was ... OK, that
he was being the governor of Illinois.
Everybody is very, very shocked.
Meanwhile the recount in the
extremely tight Minnesota Senate
race between Norm Coleman and A1
Franken is thrown into disarray with
the discovery that more than 13,000
of the ballots were cast by residents of
Palm Beach County, Fla.
But the economy remains the domi
nant issue, with retailers reporting
weak holiday sales as many shoppers
pass up pricier gifts such as jewelry
and big-screen TVs in favor of toilet
paper and jerky. As the year draws to
a close, the president's Council of Eco
nomic Advisors warns that the current
recession "could spiral downward into
a full-blown depression," leaving the
U.S. with "no viable economic option
but to declare war on Japan."
In another troubling note, U.S.
intelligence sources report that Iran is
developing "a gigantic rocket-powered
shoe."
Adding to the year-end gloom is
a congressionally appointed biparti
san commission on terrorism, which
releases a troubling report asserting
that there is an 80 percent chance that
within the next two years, a major
U.S. city will be struck, with devastat
ing consequences, by "an 18,000 mile-
per-hour tool bag from space."
The point is, if you have any money
left, you should spend it soon.
And happy New Year.
Dave Barry is a humor columnist
for the Miami Herald. Write to him
do The Miami Herald, One Herald
Plaza, Miami FL 33132.
(c) 2008, Dave Barry. Distributed by
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