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PAGE 8, JANUARY 5, 2009, THE ISLANDER
Dam Bmry.
Dave Barry's
Year in Review:
Bailing out of 2008
By Dave Barry
How weird a year was it?
Here's how weird:
• O. J. actually got convicted of some
thing.
• Gasoline hit $4 a gallon - and
those were the good times.
• On several occasions, "Saturday
Night Live" was funny.
• There were a few days there in
October when you could not completely
rule out the possibility that the next
Treasury Secretary would be Joe the
Plumber.
• Finally, and most weirdly, for the
first time in history, the voters elected
a president who - despite the skeptics
who said such a thing would never
happen in the United States - was nei
ther a Bush NOR a Clinton.
Of course not all the events of 2008
were weird. Some were depressing.
The only U.S. industries that had a
good year were campaign consultants
and foreclosure lawyers. Everybody
else got financially whacked. Millions
of people started out the year with
enough money in their 401(k)s to think
about retiring on, and ended up with
maybe enough for a medium Slurpee.
So we can be grateful that 2008 is
almost over. But before we leave it
behind, let's take a few minutes to look
back and see if we can find some small
nuggets of amusement. Why not? We
paid for it, starting with ...
JANUARY
...which begins, as it does every four
years, with presidential contenders
swarming into Iowa and expressing
sincerely feigned interest in com. The
Iowa caucuses produce two surprises:
• On the Republican side, the win
ner is Mike Huckabee, folksy former
governor of Arkansas or possibly Okla
homa, who vows to remain in the race
until he gets a commentator gig with
Fox. His win deals a severe blow to
Mitt Romney and his bid to become the
first president of the android persua
sion. Not competing in Iowa are Rudy
Giuliani, whose strategy is to stay out
of the race until he is mathematically
eliminated, and John McCain, who
entered the caucus date incorrectly into
his 1996 Palm Pilot.
• On the Democratic side, the sur
prise winner is Barack Obama, who
is running for president on a long and
impressive record of running for presi
dent. A mesmerizing speaker, Obama
electrifies voters with his exciting new
ideas for change, although people have
trouble remembering exactly what
these ideas were because they were
so darned mesmerized. Some people
become so excited that they actually
pass out. These are members of the
press corps.
Obama's victory comes at the
expense of former front-runner Hillary
Clinton, who fails to ignite voter pas
sion despite a rip-snorter of a stump
speech in which she recites, without
notes, all 17 points of her plan to
streamline tuition-loan applications.
The instant the caucuses are over,
the contenders drop Iowa like a rancid
frankfurter and jet to other states to
express concern about whatever people
there care about.
Meanwhile George W. Bush, who
is still technically the president, visits
the Middle East and finds things over
there just as confusing as ever.
In sports, LSU wins the national
college football championship, easily
defeating the Miami Dolphins.
Finally, in what some economists
see as a troubling sign, Fannie Mae
and Freddie Mac invest $12.7 billion in
Powerball tickets.
The worsening economy takes cen
ter stage in ...
FEBRUARY
...when, amid much fanfare, Con
gress passes, and President Bush signs,
an "economic stimulus package" under
which the federal government will give
taxpayers back several hundred dollars
apiece of their own money, the idea
being that they will use this money to
revive the U.S. economy by buying TV
sets that were made in China. This will
seem much more comical in the fall.
The battle between Barack Obama
and Hillary Clinton heats up as the
two engage in a series of increasingly
hostile debates, including one in which
Secret Service agents have to tackle a
large, angry, red-faced man who bursts
from the audience shouting incoher
ently. This turns out to be Bill Clinton,
who is swiftly dispatched by his wife's
campaign to work his magic on voters
in the crucial Guam caucuses.
On the Republican side, John McCain
emerges as the front-runner when Mitt
Romney drops out of the race, citing
"motherboard issues."
Abroad, Fidel Castro steps down
after 49 years as president of Cuba,
explaining that he wants to spend more
time decomposing. In selecting his suc
cessor, the Cuban National Assembly,
after conducting an exhaustive nation
wide search, selects Fidel's brother,
Raul, who narrowly edges out Dennis
Kucinich.
In sports, the undefeated New Eng
land Patriots lose the Super Bowl to
the New York Giants in a stunning
upset that confounds the experts, not
to mention Fannie Mae and Freddie
Mac, which had $38 billion on the Pats
to win.
Speaking of losers, in ...
MARCH
... New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer
becomes embroiled in an embarrass
ing scandal when a criminal investiga
tion reveals that he looks like a large
suit-wearing rodent. Also he has been
seeing a high-class prostitute known as
"Kristen" in a Washington, D.C., hotel.
Spitzer resigns in disgrace; "Kristen,"
hounded by the press and no longer
able to pursue her profession, receives
a $23 billion bailout from the federal
government.
In politics, Barack Obama addresses
the issue of why, in his 20 years of
membership in Trinity United Church
of Christ in Chicago, he failed to notice
that the pastor, Jeremiah Wright, is
a racist lunatic. In a major televised
address widely hailed for its brilliance,
Obama explains that ... OK, nobody
really remembers what the actual
explanation was. But everybody agrees
it was mesmerizing.
Obama's opponent, Hillary Clinton,
gets into a controversy of her own
when she claims that, as first lady, she
landed in Bosnia "under sniper fire."
News outlets quickly locate archive
video showing that she was in fact
greeted with a welcoming ceremony
featuring an 8-year-old girl reading a
poem. Clinton's campaign releases a
statement pointing out that it was "a
pretty long poem."
On the Republican side, John McCain
wraps up the nomination and embarks
on a series of strategic naps.
On Wall Street, J.P. Morgan buys
Bear Steams; nobody really under
stands what this means, but it is clearly
bad. Abroad, the dollar declines to the
point where currency traders are using
it solely for wiping up spills. Both Fan
nie Mae and Freddie Mac apply to be
contestants on "Deal Or No Deal."
In environmental news, Earth Hour
is observed on March 29, when cities
around the world display their commit
ment to conserving energy by turning
out their lights for one hour. When the
lights come back on, Detroit is missing.
In sports, the troubled Olympic torch
becomes embroiled in a protest riot
in Athens; witnesses claim the torch
"reeked of alcohol."
In football, beloved Green Bay Pack
ers quarterback Brett Favre retires
and embarks on a series of emotional
farewell events, several of which are
still going on when he signs to play for
the Jets.
Speaking of emotional, in ...
APRIL
...tensions run high in the Penn
sylvania Democratic primary, which
Turn to Page 9 - Dave Barry
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