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Dave Barry
Continued from Page 8
all the experts agree is extremely cru
cial. Barack Obama gets into trouble
with rural voters for saying that rural
Americans are "bitter" and "cling to
guns or religion." Responding to charg
es that this statement is elitist, Obama
responds: "You are getting sleepy. Very
sleepy."
Seeking to capitalize on Obama's
gaffe, Hillary Clinton starts channel
ing Annie Oakley, tossing down shots
of whiskey and talking about her love
of guns and limiting. After one particu
larly long day on the trail, she grabs
a Secret Service agent's pistol and
attempts to shoot a deer; instead she
wounds a reporter, thereby sealing her
victory in the Pennsylvania primary,
which turns out to not actually be all
that crucial because the Democratic
race keeps right on going with no sign
of ending in the current decade.
On the Republican side, John
McCain gets wind of something called
the "Internet" and orders his staff to
give him a summary of it on index
cards.
In economic news, the price of gaso
line tops $4 a gallon, meaning the cost
of filling up an average car is now $50,
or, for Hummer owners, $17,500. Con
gress, responding to the financial pain
of the American people, goes into par
tisan gridlock faster than ever before,
with Republicans demanding that the
oil companies immediately start drill
ing everywhere, including cemeteries,
and Democrats calling for a massive
effort to develop alternative energy
sources such as wind, the sun, tides,
comets, A1 Gore and dragon breath,
using technology expected to be per
fected sometime this millennium. It
soon becomes clear that Congress will
not actually do anything, so Americans
start buying less gasoline.
The economic news is also gloomy
for the U.S. automotive industry, where
General Motors, in a legally question
able move aimed at boosting its sag
ging car sales, comes out with a new
model called "The Chevrolet Toyota."
In sports, the troubled Olympic torch
punches a photographer while entering
a San Francisco hotel at 3 a.m. with
Lindsay Lohan.
Speaking of trouble, in ...
MAY
...the International Atomic Energy
Agency releases a report stating that
Iran is actively developing nuclear war
heads. In response, Iran issues a state
ment asserting that (1) it absolutely is
not developing nuclear warheads, and
(2) these are peaceful warheads. The
United States, the United Kingdom,
Germany, France, Russia and China
convene an emergency meeting, during
which they manage, in heated negotia
tions, to talk France out of surrender
ing.
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac invest
$17 billion in an Herbalife franchise.
In presidential politics, the increas
ingly bitter fight for the Democratic
nomination intensifies when Barack
Obama and Hillary Clinton hold a tele
vised debate, moderated by PBS anchor
Jim Lehrer, that consists entirely of
spitting.
On the Republican side, John
McCain, preparing for the fall cam
paign, purchases a new necktie.
The big spring Hollywood hit is
the film version of "Sex and the City,"
which draws millions of movie-goers,
including an estimated three men, two
of whom thought they were in the
theater for the fourth Indiana Jones
movie, "Indiana Jones Experiences
Frequent Nighttime Urination."
The riveting plot of "Sex and the
City," which runs for nearly two-and-a-
half homrs, involves the efforts of Car
rie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte
to plan Carrie's wedding - Finally! - to
"Mr. Big," only to have things go awry
when mutant vampire moles bore up
through the church floor and suck the
blood out of the wedding party through
their feet.
In sports, both the Kentucky Derby
and the Indianapolis 500 are won by
Usain Bolt.
Speaking of victory, in ...
JUNE
...Barack Obama finally claims the
bitterly contested Democratic nomina
tion when Hillary Clinton, behind on
delegates and in debt to the time of $25
million, including $9 million for hair-
spray alone, suspends her campaign
and declares that she has "no hard feel
ings" and will do "whatever it takes" to
help Obama get elected "even though
he is scum." Bill Clinton, at his wife's
side, nods vigorously, but is unable
to speak because of the restraining
device. A gracious John McCain tells
the press that he "looks forward to a
spirited debate with Sen. Mondale."
Before he can take questions he is
informed by his aides that he has an
important meeting.
In other campaign-related news,
Chicago developer Tony Rezko, a for
mer Obama associate and fundraiser,
is convicted on corruption charges, but
the press realizes that this is not an
issue after Obama explains that it is
not an issue.
President George W. Bush takes one
last official trip to Europe to meet with
European leaders. Unfortunately they
are not home.
In economic news, Chrysler announc
es a plan to lay off workers who have
not been born yet. The lone economic
bright spot is the iPhone, which is sell
ing like crazy thanks to the release of a
new model enhanced with the capabil
ity of sucking pieces of your brain out
through your ear until all you want to
do is play with your iPhone.
Speaking of vegetables, the big scare
in June comes from the Food and Drug
Administration, which announces that
tomatoes are killing people. A wave of
fear grips the nation as supermarket
shoppers stampede from the produce
section, causing several fatal shopping-
cart mishaps. At the height of the
panic, with the tomato industry reel
ing, the FDA declares that, oops, the
killer might NOT be tomatoes, but
some other vegetable, possibly jalapeno
peppers, but nobody knows for sure.
Eventually everyone calms down, but
not before a bank in Cleveland is held
up by a man wielding only a stalk of
asparagus.
The scientific community is elated
by NASA's announcement that the
Phoenix lander has detected ice on
Mars. The elation turns to concern
when, several homrs later, the lander
detects a Zamboni machine.
Tiger Woods, in an epic performance,
THE ISLANDER, JANUARY 5, 2009, PAGE 9
wins the U.S. Open playing on an
injured and very painful knee, thereby
proving, beyond all doubt, that golf is
not a real sport.
Speaking of epic performances, in ...
JULY
...Barack Obama, having secured
North and South America, flies to
Germany without using an airplane
and gives a major speech - speaking
English and German simultaneously
- to 200,000 mesmerized Germans,
who immediately elect him chancellor,
prompting France to surrender.
Meanwhile John McCain, at a strat
egy session at a golf resort, tells his
top aides to prepare a list of potential
running mates, stressing that he wants
somebody "who is completely, brutal
ly honest." Unfortunately, because of
noise from a lawn mower, the aides
think McCain said he wants somebody
"who has competed in a beauty con
test." This will lead to trouble down
the road.
Speaking of trouble, the economic
news continues to worsen with the
discovery that Fannie Mae and Freddie
Mac have sent $87 billion to a Nigerian
businessman with a compelling e-mail
story.
Also troubling is the news from
Iran, which test-fires some long-range
missiles, although Iranian President
Wackjob Lunatic insists that Iran
intends to use these missiles "for stump
removal."
In sports, the government of China,
in an effort to improve air quality for
the Beijing Olympics, bans flatulence.
Speaking of Olympians, in ...
AUGUST
...Barack Obama, continuing to
shake up the establishment, selects as
his running mate Joe Biden, a tireless
fighter for change since he was first
elected to the U.S. Senate in 1849.
The Democratic Party gathers in Den
ver to formally nominate Obama, who
descends from his Fortress of Solitude
to mesmerize the adoring crowd with an
acceptance speech objectively described
by The New York Times as "compa
rable to the Gettysburg Address, only
way better."
Meanwhile John McCain, still
searching for the perfect running mate,
tells his top aides in a conference call
that he wants "someone who is capable
of filling my shoes." Unfortunately, he
is speaking into the wrong end of his
cellular phone, and his aides think he
said "someone who is capable of killing
a moose." Shortly thereafter McCain
stems the world, and possibly himself,
by selecting Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, a
no-nonsense hockey mom with rough
ly 114 children named after random
norms such as "Hamper."
In yet another troubling economic
indicator, Fannie Mae and Freddie
Mac rob a liquor store.
Internationally, the big story is the
Olympic games, which begin under a
cloud of controversy when journalists
in Beijing, who were promised unfet
tered Internet access by the Chinese
government, discover that no matter
what address they enter into their
browsers, they wind up on Chairman
Mao's Facebook page (he has 1.3 bil
lion friends). But even the critics are
blown away by the spectacular opening
ceremony, which features the entire
population of Asia performing the Elec
tric Slide.
The Olympic games are dominat
ed by swimmer Michael Phelps, who
wins eight gold medals, thus putting
himself on a sounder financial footing
than the U.S. Treasury. China wins
the gold-medal count, although critics
charge that some of China's 11-year-
old female gymnasts are under the
minimum age of 16. Chinese officials
refute this charge by noting, correctly,
that they have tanks.
Elsewhere abroad, war breaks out
between Russia and Georgia over South
Ossetia and Abkhazia, serving as a
stark reminder that, in an increasingly
uncertain world, we, as Americans,
have no idea where these places are.
Turn to Page 11 - Dave Barry
Movie Night
at the Casino
Sponsored by_the St. Simons Library League
Capote
Wednesday,
January 14
7 p.m.
Casino Theater
"Capote." USA, 2005, directed by Bennett
Miller. This film tells two stories: the first is
an expose of how the title author's In Cold
Blood was written and the second shows the
emotional and psychic dissolution of the man
who starts out as a brilliant eccentric and
finishes it as a basket case. Philip Seymour
Hoffman won the Oscar for his performance of
Capote. 114 minutes; Rated R.
Upcoming Movie Include:
January 28 - Under the Same Moon
Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated.