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PAGE 12, SEPTEMBER 14, 2009, THE ISLANDER Dam Barry. Why Men can't help it I like to think that I am a modest person. (I also like to think that I look like Brad Pitt naked, but that is not the issue here.) There comes a time, however, when a person must toot his own personal horn, and for me, that time is now. A new book has confirmed a theory that I first proposed in 1987, in a col umn explaining why men are physi cally unqualified to do housework. The problem, I argued, is that men - because of a tragic genetic flaw — cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture. This puts men at a huge disadvantage against women, who can detect a single dirt molecule 20 feet away. This is why a man and a woman can both be look ing at the same bathroom commode, and the man — hindered by Male Genetic Dirt Blindness (MGDB) — will perceive the commode surface as being clean enough for heart surgery; whereas the woman can't even "see" the commode, only a teeming, com mode-shaped swarm of bacteria. A woman can spend two hours cleaning a toothbrush holder and still not be totally satisfied; whereas if you ask a man to clean the entire New York City subway system, he'll go down there with a bottle of Windex and a single paper towel, then emerge 25 minutes later, weary but satisfied with a job well done. When I wrote about Male Genetic Dirt Blindness, many irate readers complained that I was engaging in sexist stereotyping, as well as mak ing lame excuses for the fact that men are lazy pigs. All of these irate readers belonged to a gender that I will not identify here, other than to say: Guess what, ladies? There is now scientific proof that I was right. This proof appears in a new book titled "What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man's Mind Really Works." I have not personally read this book, because, as a journalist, I am too busy writing about it. But according to an article by Reuters, the book states that a man's brain "takes in less sensory detail than a woman's, so he doesn't see or even feel the dust and household mess in the same way." Got that? We can't see or feel the mess! We're like: "What snow tires in the dining room? Oh, those snow tires in the dining room." And this is only one of the differ ences between men's and women's brains. Another difference involves a brain part called the "cingulate gyrus," which is where emotions are located. The Reuters article does not describe the cingulate gyrus, but pre sumably in women it's the size of a mature cantaloupe, containing a vast By Dave Barry quantity of complex, endlessly recali brated emotional data involving hun dreds, perhaps thousands of human relationships; whereas in men it's basically a cashew filled with NFL highlights. In any event, it turns out that women's brains secrete more of the chemicals "oxytocin" and "serotonin," which, according to biologists, cause humans to feel they have an inad equate supply of shoes. No, seriously, these chemicals cause humans to want to bond with other humans, which is why women like to share their feelings. Some women (and here I'm refer ring to my wife) can share as many as three days' worth of feelings about an event that took eight seconds to actu ally happen. We men, on the other hand, are reluctant to share our feel ings, in large part because we often don't have any. Really. Ask any guy: A lot of the time, when we look like we're thinking, we just have this low- level humming sound in our brains. That's why, in male-female conver sations, the male part often consists entirely of him going, "Hmmmm." This frustrates the woman, who wants to know what he's really thinking. In fact, what he's thinking is, literally, "Hmmmm." So anyway, accordingto the Reuters article, when a man, instead of shar ing feelings with his mate, chooses to lie on the sofa, holding the remote control and monitoring 750 television programs simultaneously by chang ing the channel every one-half second (pausing slightly longer for programs that feature touchdowns, fighting, shooting, car crashes, or bosoms) his mate should not come to the mistaken conclusion that he's an insensitive jerk. In fact, he's responding to sci entific biological brain chemicals that require him to behave this way for scientific reasons, as detailed in the scientific book "What Could He Be Thinking? How a Man's Mind Really Works," which I frankly cannot rec ommend highly enough. In conclusion, no way was that pass interference. This classic DAVE BARRY col umn was originally published Nov. 23, 2003. (C) 2009 The Miami Herald. Dist. by Tribune Media Services. Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him do Trop ic Magazine, The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132) “I Air Team Free Second Opinion on Equipment Replacement Federal Tax Credits for Energy Efficiency: 30% of the cost, up to $1,500, for Equipment Upgrades. Call us for details. Brunswick 265-3503 ame Day Service Islands 634-5317 GA State Lie. #5514 Since 1984 Movie Night at the Casino . S po n so he d i b.vit hfelSt. Simons Library League Tell No One Wednesday, September 16 7 p.m. Casino Theater "Tell No One." France, 2006, directed by Guillaume Canet. The pediatrician Alexandre Beck misses his beloved wife Margot Beck, who was brutally murdered eight years ago when he was the prime suspect. When two bodies are found near where the corpse of Margot was dumped, the police reopen the case and Alex becomes suspect again. The mystery increases when Alex receives an e-mail showing Margot older and alive. In French with English subtitles; 125 minutes; Rated R. Upcoming Movies and Events Include: Sept. 26 - Brideshead Revisited • Sept. 30 - Last Chance Harvey Movies are free, but contributions are appreciated. < 7he Oklandeti N Will Keep Your College Student Informed about Local Events & Happenings! Subscribe NOW! Call (912) 265-9654 for special pricing: The Islander Newspaper P.O. Box 20539 St. Simons Island, GA 31522 ssislander@bellsouth.net • www.theislanderonline.com Name Address City Payment Method: Check # MasterCard# State Zip Phone exp. VISA# exp.