Newspaper Page Text
$15,000,000
Clfr
Ultra-Modern
Edifice Set
For Campus
By Ubj Jim Baloney
A new, ultra-modern, 9t4 story,
$16,000,000 administration building
is scheduled for immediate con
struction on the Murdered campus,
Dr. Real George Cornel, MU presi
dent, announced late yesterday
afternoon. Construction of the edi
fice was approved by the trustees
in a special call meeting yesterday.
Ground Will Be Broke
Ground breaking for the magni
ficent new structure will be held
Sunday morning at 11. Attendance
by all Murdered students will by
compulsory. Folding chairs will be
arranged in the same pattern as
the seats in Willingham Chapel and
attendance will be checked.
The new ad building will include
all the usual features plus such
special things as an elaborate fac
ulty restaurant, a spacious ball
room, a parking garage, a hotel,
and a roof-top astronomical obser
vatory.
I. Ama Star In Command
The observatory will be located
in the special one and a half story
ninth floor, and will included a 300-
inch telescope. This is a part of the
establishment of a School of Celes
tial Engineering., to be headed by,
Dr. I Ama Star, former head of!
the world famous Mt. I’alomino ob-1
servatory in California.
Big Names In Numbers
The elaborate faculty restaurant,
seating 300, will be decorated with (
interiors from old castles and
manor houses of Europe. Monsieur I
Antoine, formerly of New York
and New Orleans, will be chief chef,
assisted by Misses Betty Crocker,
and Ann Pillsbury. Big name movie
stars, such as Lassie, Trigger, Rin
Tin Tin, and Tweetie Pie, will pro
vide entertainment during serving
hours. Students will be served free
of charge, although the faculty
will be charged ridiculously high
prices.
You Can Park Your Car
The grand ball room, accomodat-;
ing 1750, will be used for such f
traditional Murdered events as the
President’s Charity Shindig, the an
nual Dogpatch Hoedown, and park-,
ing of faculty automobiles.
The student parking garage, free
to all students presenting their
Student Activities cards, will oc
cupy the second through the fifth
floors. The first floor will be used
as a general lobby and television
room with color TV receivers plac
ed every ten feet throughout the
area.
We Can’t Pay Our Guest
The seventh and eighth floors
will contain a hotel administered
by Murdered’s hew School of Hotel
Management. It will 1>e available
to the general public. However, the
hotel may not be a self-supporting
enterprise. “If we don’t run a bet
ter establishment than our present
»ne in Bartlett House,” said Dr. I.
Runa Dump, dean of the hotel
school, “we may have to pay our
guests to stay with us.”
To Be Real George!
The new building will be located
on College Street on the large vac
ant area next to the present ad
ministration building. The entire
building will be furnished with the
latest modern furniture. Lighting
will be by flour*scent chandeliers
made of hand-out imported crystal.
"Thtk is going to be real
George,” commented President Real
George Cornel. “I nearly flipped
vhen I heard about it."
AD BUILDING SLATED
iMurhrrrh Clutter
Vol. XXXV
"All the Bull That's Fit to Shoof
MURDERED UNIVERSITY, MACON, GEORGIA, APRIL 1, 1955
No. 17
Gigantic 4-School Merger
Plan Is Annouced Today
To Be Combined
On MU Campus
By Complete Control Linshky
It was announced today that plans have been completed for the
merging of Murdered University, Tessie Bift College, Westerland
College, and Gorgy School for Cool Women.
Reasons for the planned combining of the four institutions wero
listed as fourfold: (1) to help the national defense; (2) to bring about
savings for education; (3) to insure more attention to studies; and (4)
to resolve religious problems.
MURDERED STUDENTS recently voted in chapel to retire
the Jersey of Mommy Tixon. Tixon has been very outstanding in
his field, l Only one other Murdered student has had his Jersey
retired. Shown above is Tixon's Jersey shortly before being
retired.
Most of the Murdered students
who have heard of the plans are
enthusiastic. As one intellectual
student so aptly expressed the
concensus of student opinion,
“Now perhaps we can have a
wider range of courses and more
well-qualified instructors.”
Then there is the non-intellectual
approach expressed by one student:
“OH BOY! GIRLS! ! ! ”
Apri. Fool
Murdered Clutter To Be
Big 24-Page Daily Paper
By Complete Control Linshky
The Murdered Clutter will be a daily newspaper beginning in about
two weeks, it was announced today by incoming Editor Long Jim
Baloney. The now six-page, 12 x 16 inch page-size Clutter will become
24 pages, regular newspaper size.
Some slight changes will take each morning so they may read the
place in the coverage of the new Clutter with their cereals. In fact,
student publication. Therq will be ] some students may eat shredded
no advertisements or editorials.' Clutter with their breakfasts if
Most of the paper will he filled they order it delivered with the
with jokes and comic strips. No ’ paper.
straight news story will be more The new Clutter will be printed
than two paragraphs long. j n the new print shop of Murdered
The writers’ style will be greatly University. The paper will be fin-
simplified, according to Baloney. 1 fln ced entirely by student activities
Whereas the style at present is funds,
cumbered with intellectual langu
age and research, the overall style
will be brought down to the Murd-
In an effort to help the national
defense, according to Murdered
President Real George Cornel, the
move will “be a great success. Just
think of the thousands of gallons
of gasoline the boys' use traveling
to the sister institutions each week.
Now they can s<^^|keir girls here
on the campus^^Bnd all will he
benefited.”
The savings for education,
says a GSCW official will be I
really enormous. Many of the
present facilities of the institu
tions can be combined. "How
ever,” says the stern college
president, “segregation will still
be enforced. All boys will be
expected out of the girls' dormi
tory by"Tl each night." He adds,
"Only one minor problem really
has us stumped. How does a per
son go about moving a three-
story brick dormitory from Mil-
ledgeville to Macon?”
It is felt by officials that stud- i
ents will now he able to give more ,, . ,, ,
that the decrease mav
attention to their lessons. Formerly
ered students’ level.
Under the new set-up all staff
members will have to spend more !
time on the student publication. I
At present the staff members ;
spend only 12 hours a day. six
days a week on The Clutter. Now
April Fool
150 PIECE UNIT
Band Returns
From Europe
Murdered’s marching band will
they will be required to spend 16 i return to the campus tomorrow
hours a day, seven days a week, j morning following an extended con-
The staff members will be ox- cert tour of Europe, it was an-
cused from taking one of their; nounced by school officials yester-
courses also. They will now have day.
to take only four courses instead of The 150 piece unit has played for
five, as before. There are only 223 the last two months in the presence
staff members at present, hut it is of dignitaries all over Europe. The
expected that a few more will join 1 group originated as a part of the
the staff. local ROTC regiment, but it has
A special arrangement has been Frown now to be a major part of
made with the New York Dimes, »!* s <- h ° ol ’ s music department,
under which the Clutter will carry former chotr-dtrector, Dr. Arth-
the Dime, as an insert two days a er That’s Rich, is conducting the
week. In return, the local paper will
carry many of the columnist and
comica that the Dime* holds ex
clusive rights to. Such writers aa
Eaatriver Peleger, Halter Stinchel,
and Edward Are Tomorrow will
grace the pages of the new Clutter.
Cartoons such as Lil’ Alabaster,
Teeny Tw •, Judge Park Stir,
and Gopo wi head up the cdmica
section.
The daily paper will be delivered
to the rooms of the students early
band. He still holds his office as
head of the music department.
There are some 15 assistants in
the music department to aaaiat the
absentee head.
The group will now begin prac
tice for next yeer’e concert tour of
the United States. None of the
members of the band are required
to attend classee. Most of them
graduate in only eight years, as
compared to the average of 12
years for most Murdered students.
it was felt that boys and girls
separated could study better, but
it has t>een found that their minds
wander to the places their sweet
hearts live. “We admit defeat.”
commented Tessie Bift Prexy Carey
Salt Vinsant; “we must say that
a boy or girl can be better taught
if his mind is within the general
area of the school (say, not more
than a block or two away) than if
it is thirty miles away."
The hope that the combining of
the four colleges, especially of
Murdered and Westerland, would
reconcilo Baptists and Methodists
was expressed by Westerland Ad
ministrator B. J. (Big John) Mar
tian. "Who knows?” the hopeful
college president said: "we may
compromise and start baptizing
with a damp cloth."
Officials admit that it seems
that most of the advantages are
for Murdered boys, but they are
now running in three eight hour
shifts daily to think of some good
excuse to give the Murdered girls
for the change. A proponed ad
vantage has been set as “mak
ing it necessary for the local girls
to work harder for their men.
They have it too easy now, and
everyAdy likes a challenging
task more than a pushover.”
The exact date for the transfer
of the three girls’ colleges to the
Murdered campus has not been de
termined, but officials state that it
will possibly take place about the
fall quarter of 1965. This date was
selected because that will be the
yoar some of the present freshmen
are seniors (well, tome of them
are a little alow to learn).
Dean's List
Shows Drop
Murdered’s Dean of the Liberal
Arts College, Coy? Faylor?, today
announced that only 3143 of Murd
ered’s 3866 registered students
made the winter quarter dean's
list. The Dean expressed great dis
appointment over the 511 decrease
this shows from Inst quarter.
Some observers have guessed
he due to
the raising of Murdered’s standards
for the dean’s list. Formerly, the
required average was only three
A's, but the new standard is two
A-pluses and one A. Faylor said
the increased requirements were
necessary to raise the accredita
tion of Murdered University.
Many students were shocked
to find that their names were not
on the newly released list. More
than 300 of the 511 who Hid not
make the list this time due to
the change have announced their -
intentions to transfer to some
other college. Rumor has been
circulated that some of those who
will quit may form an independ
ent college. “If Baptist churches
can do it," one commented, "why
can’t Baptist colleges?"
One professor expressed the gen
eral faculty let-down over the poor
showing of the students. He said
that out of his olas? of 763 in ad
vanced atomic theory (Physics
1399) only 762 made A’s.
“This is the poorest class I
have ever had," said the profes
sor. "Not one A-plus was mgde.
I think students are becoming
less intelligent every year. If it
continues, we may have to drop
some of the more difficult cours
es. On the final exam in my class
only three students gave a com
plete, detailed explanation of Ein
stein's theory of relativity.”
Murdered President Real George
Cornel said that, if the expected
drop in enrollment does take placa,
“we will probably put only six boy*
to a room in Sherwood. After all,
we won’t be using Sherwood more
than a hundred more yean any
way.”
