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EDITOR'S NOTE
Page Two THE MURDERED CLUTTER
April 1,1956
JESSE MURDERED WAS PLOWING his crops close to Penfield
one day with his two gray mares, Jesse got hot, and said to his mares,
"Take ten.”
The two marcs, by the name of Donablinkst and Oblouski, were
not content to rest during their break. Geldings were flipped, and
Donablinkst won the toss. Then Oblouski (Let's call him Georgi for
short) trotted to the other end of the corn field. Each mare selected a
com stalk as the target. Donablinkst (Josef) rared back and kicked his
left hind leg, real hard. Through the air sailed his shoe, finally coming
down a perfect ringer at Georgi’s stalk. Then Georgi tried the same,
he threw another ringer. He did.
Jease awoke at the sound of his mares tip-toeing around light
ly, without their shoes, and immediately onnerstood what was
agoing on. He saWvwhat a drawing card his mares would make,
and decided to take them to the big city. (Macon?).
His mares packed Porter Stadium with people in no time, and he
was raking in the money. People came from all around to see “Murder-
ed's Mares”. However, he charged only lc a head to see the mares and
this is the reason .Murdered University is still broke today. Had he
charged 2c, the school would today be the richest school in the area.
At the same time all this was occuring, Jesse hired a young whip-
persnapper, L'il Abner Tooday, to run the concession (moonshine) stand.
Well, Tooday was an enterprising young boy, and when Jesse’s Mares’
crowds started to decline, he quickly snatched the lease on Porter
Stadium, where the mares proformed.
Well, there was L’il Abner with an empty stadium and no act.
Being a show man at heart, he had to find an act to net him a return.
He forced some of his slaves (He’s also a capitalist) (This was
before '60, suh!) to run around a cinder track for punishment. That
wasn't enough ,so L'il Abner had his best rock thrower sling rocks
at the slaves.
Naturally, the slaves were unionized by this time, and the union
bargained for protection, and they were presented with fence posts to |
ward the rocks off.
Also, the union put in a clause so only one (1) rock could be used,
and that wasn't even a HARD rock, just a rock wrapped with left-overs
from the sewing circle.
Here's the picture: the rock thrower would stand in the middle of i
the field and throw rocks at the slaves as they came by. The slaves
would try to keep the rocks from hitting them by swinging at the rocks
with the fence posts. If they hit the rock, they- would run opposite from
the way the rock went, for they didn't want to get thrown at. (L’il
Abner Tooday was a good soul at heart, for he ruled that if a slave went
around the track once without getting hit, he could rest a while).
Pretty soon the throwers thought it would be fun to dodge the
rocks, and they got the slaves to change places with them now and
then.
Soon many people were coming to see Tooday’s slaves throw
rocks at each other, and Abner was making money hands over
foots. He decided to branch out, and since he had a relative in
Cooperstown, New York, chose it as his second home of Rock-Throw.
Going north the rules were changed slightly, and before a deacon
could say AMEN, the game was popular in Yankeeland. Cooperstown
wn> lucky to have a town publicity agent (sometimes called a historian)
named Wash Irving, who freely declared that the game started in THAT
town.
Now you see how Macon was robbed of having started our
national pastime of baseball. And L’il Abner Tooday won fame
and renown as the inventor of the game.
But we down here know different. For had it not been for Jesse
Murdered, when his Mares no longer drew a crowd, the game wouldn’t
have started at all.
There’s how Murdered got it’s nickname, MARES?
April Fool
Win Close Football (Same
Murdered University’s well-train
ed football squad last week ran
over Nater Dame’s under-develop-
April Fool
Golf Team Meets
Michigan State
Murdered's undefeated Mares
golf team will meet the linksters
from Michigan State College and
William and Mary in a triangular
meet on the Idle Hour Country
Club course today. Murdered coach
ed by Dr. Dgriht Sawell, has gone
through the season with victories
over the University of Georgia,
UCLA, and Slippery Rock College.
Leading the Mares in search of
their fourth straight win will be
Capt. Joe Watkins, Charley Ebby-
head, Jim Newton and Boy Blue
Birdsed. Reserves for the Mares
will consist of Jim O’Neal, John
Binns, and Mac Smith.
Caddies will be furnished by
Murdered and will consist of TV
Capitalist John Hulsey, POGO
Park, ‘‘Red” McDaniel and Ray
Crabtree.
ed eleven by a close score of 106-
19.
The Murdered boys pulled out in
front early in the game and held
a slight edge throughout the con
test. The day was slightly damp,
and the field was fairly muddy. The
local weather bureau recorded 14
inches of rain during the period of
the game.
Most of the touchdowns were
made sitting down, as the ball
carriers slid across the goal line.
No player who stood up got very
far. Not only did the game go at
a snail's pace, but most of the
playing was done in a worm's posi
tion.
The game was played in Murder
ed's commodious ' stadium which
seats only 99,000 people. Several
thousand were turned away from
the gates.
The main spirit of the game waa
inspired by line coach Lucy Pol-
lared. Head coach Claudius P.
Smiff gave the boys a pep talk at
Half-time; this inspired the read
point-making during the third per
iod of the game. Back-field coach
is James Cocwfa.
NO PROFESSORS
Great Things Predicted
For Murdered University
By Owen (Baldy) Adams
A prominent Murdered sooth sayer (the kind that rides
broom sticks) has finally conquered the time problem and
discovered the Murdered U. of 1984. She described it as
follows to your reporter.
Much Work
Is Required
For 'Clutter'
The 223-member staff of The
Murdered Clutter takes great pride
in presenting this special issue. We
have been working almost con
stantly on it for several months.
Most of the staff-members have
flunked all their classes as a re
sult of the strenuous task, but
they do not mind it—their policy
is to give the campus complete
coverage.
There is only one precaution we
would leave with you. What you
read here is really
APRIL FOOL!
There are now no professors to
prate when our vibrant spirit of
youth is depleted after a dissipated
week-end of social and extra-cur
ricular events. Instead, we all stroll
once per quarter into the dean’s
office where we sit in the path of
an electronic beam which impresses
mathematical formulas, sociology
theories, and language comprehen
sion forever and firmly into our
little white brain cells. This meets
the approval of the administration
because now, of course, students
are not compelled to bum midnight
electricity and i > cause a waste of
money.
Next, let us consider our esmp-
us’ physical characteristics. For
example, the trees are made of
durable plastic, capable of being
moved about to form any land
scaping scheme desired. There
are escalators going to and from
the Co-op at all times of the
day. There are self-service vend
ors throughout the Co-op and
all the booths are lined with
Democratic plush.
On the west side of the campus
is a 600-foot tower with a huge
harvest moon constructed of a re
flecting mirror and burning phos
phorus. In the place of onerous
classroom buildings, there are rows
after row of rusty park benches so
that the satellite of romance may
be fully appreciated. This change is
liked by students’ parents because
now money is not needed for
theaters, where pictures are only
a needless service of the manage
ment, anyway.
Along this same line, there are
TV sets in every room, with pinups
of Debbie Reynolds along the walls
of the boys’ dorms, and statuettes
of Robert Taylor in MEP. Too,
windows are tinted with a delicate
pink, so that the world may be
seen through rose-colored glasses.
Many other changes, of course, are
in the making, and through these
developments, youthful spirits are
made contented in this wonderful
Utopia.
MORE FORTUNATE HIT DROO PLES
“S” ourve that a speeder has
straightened out.
Ghost in a snow storm.
A vertical line, ignorant!
BE WISE LIKE Jim Crow! Use
Hits! The fortunate thing about
them is that they are so cheap.
The makers of Fortunate Hits use
genuine rabbit tobacco—very eco
nomical. Also, you can not only
smoke them, but you can eat, drink
burn, or destroy them. Anyway,
we don’t care what you do with
them. We just want you to buy
them.
Fortunate
Hits Taste Better