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THE MERCER CLUSTER
February 24, 1966
Conning The Professor
“Grades are your means of getting into
graduate school; your means of keeping your
parents happy; your means of avoiding the
Army,” says a student publication at' the
University of California at Berkeley. But, it
adds with splendid candor; “Do not give the
professor reason to suppose that your interest
is in the grade. You must always act like an
interested intellectual, no matter what your
motive.”
Here speaks an authentic voice of U. S.
education, in contrast to the stately bromides
of college presidents. It sums up the art of
conning the professor for higher grades—a
sick art that grows more feverish as more,
collegians compete for more degrees at ever
more crowded campuses. Even school-children
get apprenticed in the technique in how-to-
study manuals that warn “Study Your Teach
er” and advise: “You have to work with
people all your life; start making a science
of it."
Gone: The Short-Skirt Bit. The old apple
has to be polished a little more discreetly
than it once was. The sweet Southern thing
who sighs, “Ah’ll do anything to get a good
grade,” is now likely to be told: “Try study
ing.” Symbolic of the times, a Michigan State
professor last year ruined the short-skirt bit
by ordering all coeds to the back of the room.
"I don’t let myself get close to any student",”
says a grim Houston professor. “I try to look
at all of them as enemies.”
Yet, faced with 700 yawning faces, the big-
campus lecturer yearns for one passionate
learner—and this is what the good con man
impersonates. “The very first lecture, the
one everybody cuts, is the most important in
the course,” says a Wisconsin senior. Moving
in fast, the con man lovingly establishes his
own name with the prof. After that, says a
Princeton honor student, one need only “sit
in the first two rows of the lecture room and
maintain continuous eye contact with the
lecturer. Give him that receptive gaze, which
implies amazement at his genius and quiet
excitement at the information being trans
mitted.”
Prof. Voltaire. At the University of Michi
gan, fraternity houses are stocked with not
only old exams but also "teacher psych-outs”
—dossiers compiled by A-students on pro
fessors’ likes and dislikes. This allows con
men to lug around the prof’s favorite maga
zine, or to ape his lingo. If this fails, says a
recent Michigan graduate, there is the “wel
fare approach” of pretending poverty by-
wearing “hand-pressed khaki pants" and ask
ing the professor on the very first day “Ah,
how much did you say that textbook was?”
As a Wisconsin con man puts it: “These days,
if you’re not one up, you’re one down.”
( on men rely heavily on “respectful dis
agreement”—tantalizing the professor who
pines for ardent student protest. Really dar
ing grade grubbera go much iarthar. “If his
poli-sci prof is an outspoken liberal,” says one
Yaleman, “the imaginftive con man adopts
a fascist interpretation'in his classwork. Since
most profs like to compare themselves to
Voltaire, they will give the little fascist every
benefit of the doubt.”
Run-of-the-mill flattery includes tape
recording the professor’s lectures, pretending
to shift one’s major to his field, and inviting
the wretch to speak at one sorority house
after another. One Northwestern sociologist
finds graduate students going in for the
"Gemeinschaft attitude” — getting folksy
through baby sitting, for example. This puts
them on almost unassailable ground: “How
can a teacher flunk someone his kids like?"
"A professor will write a paper for you if
you will just give him a chance,” says a
Berkeley student tip sheet. “Take in a draft
or outline, and tell him you are having trou
ble with it; then take his criticisms and com
ments to heart. This will eliminate midnight
panic and at least one grade’s worth of
errors.”
Excuses & Exams. Good conning neces
sarily includes a range of ingenious excuses.
No. 1 seems to be infectious mononucleosis,
which is hard to diagnose and can be feigned
to excuse weeks of goofing off. One Yaleman
comes down with it at exams, which he then
takes in the infirmary with his notes under
the mattress. A Chicago professor notes the
prevalence of “unspecified emotional dis
turbances,” such as “the traumatic experi
ence of a bov who, discovering his roommate
was a homosexual, just wasn’t able to study.”
Another up-to-date excuse, says the same
professor, came from a lad who missed an
exam and expained: “My roommate is going
with a colored girl. Last night his father
came to town to shoot the girl, and we were
up all night barricading the door to keep him
from her.”
Exam time gives the con man his last
chance—and perhaps the best instructions on
how to seize it came from David Littlejohn,
who last year was a Harvard teaching fellow,
and is now an assistant professor of English
at Stanford. Littlejohn set out to rebut an
annual Harvard Crimson piece on how to fool
the grader on exams by “use of the vague
generality, the artful equivocation, and the
overpowering asumption.”
“Your only job is to keep me awake,” wrote
Littlejohn. “How? By Facts. Any kind, but
do get them in. They are what we look for, as
we skim our lynx eyes over every other page
—a name, a place, an allusion, an object, a
brand of deodorant, the titles of six poems
in a row, even an occasional date. Think of a
few specific examples of ‘contemporary deca
dence,’ like Natalie Wood.
“Keep us entertained, keep us awake. Be
bold, be personal, be witty, be chockfull-of-
facts. I’m sure you can do it without studying
if you try. We did.”
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Affirmation,
What?
On Saturday, February 12, several member* of the Cluster
attended the Affirmation: Viet Nam ralley at the Atlanta Static
for the purpose of hearing an affirmation of the United State* on
mitment in Southeast Asia. From the nature of the speeches m*
at this assembly only one can conclude that policy, not commiti-*,
was the keynote. Whether this came about through planning |
through honest misunderstanding is a matter of conjecture, bu H
fact remains that this rally did not achieve it* stated purpose. W) *t
did achieve was the deception and resulting dissillusionment of
substantial number of college students—students who expected a no
partisan affirmation of our commitment without reference to polk y
The first half of the rally was devoted entirely to musical sele< tin
designed to stimulate patriotic fervor. Among the songs played w«
"There is Nothing Like a Dame”, “Ramblin’ Reck”, and “Hail t< 0
Georgia”. These are fine songs in their place, hut they were thoro ig
inappropriate to that occasion. Also among the selection* w«:
current popular hit, “The Ballad of the Green Berets", a song la id
military achievement and death in war. Organist Graham Ja k
played an original composition entitled "The Battle of Atlanta”, vk
utilized realistic sound effects and strident, confused music. The -H
of the entire first half was one of disturbance. The only appropri
parts of the program were the singing of the National Anthen i
Anita Bryant's beautiful performance of “America", the roost st n
song of the rally.
Secretary of State Dean Rusk had been eagerly awaited in w
of a clarification of our position and the future action possibly |
posed, but his speech was an exercise in emotional polemics «
neither significance nor rational content. There would probaby
less objection if the speeches had been held to the non-political i
jects which were justly anticipated. Except for Governor Carl Sarxk
of Georgia, none of the speakers seemed to have been aware of
purpose of the rally. Sanders attempted to right things when
stated that our troops were our commitment and we were at the r
to show support for them. His statement was apparently unhi-edi
for the remaining speeches were in the same vein: policy support
In addition to the political nature of the speeches, we nofe
particularly the crass commercialism surrounding the venture. A ven^p;
sold American and Dixie flags, hats bearing the U. S. shield and h
with the legend “I'm a tiger, grrr." The car plates shown above
other "patriotic” geegaws of little worth and great price were p
valent. This is out of place at any meeting whose avowed purpose it
worthwhile as that originally proposed for Affirmation: Viet Nam.
Despite the nature of the rally we must assert that the stated purp(
was not only admirable, but necessary to show student support tl
has been too long lacking in a country where all that is seen of studi
opinion is the placard-bearing beard and sweatshirt crews, who
their diaft cards. We regret that the original purpose was by-paw
and hope that, should the opportunity arise again, more emi>hi
will be placed on our soldiers and less on getting support for our polici
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Welcome Back Alumni!
It is good to soo you
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your wookond will bring back
wondorful momorios of your
yoars at Morcor.
Serving the Mercer Community for the Fast 17 Yean
1605 Montpelier Ave.
742-8111
Across from Mere**
742-91V