Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page.

The Calhoun Times. Volume X. IP calhoiw Dimes. IVK ,;v TBtfMDAf .VoltMMi, BY /. i y/y/.v & Marshall, Trrms o<* Subscription. ; j } : $2.()0 One 1.00 six Months ; Kates of Advertising! 1 B~Mos.‘ 6 Mas. 1 year. AXA vHm» —$7XK> $ 1*2.00 $20.00 V lO .. "f/oo 10.00 18.00 35.00 ' o,ir llimn 0.00 15.00 30.00 40.00 ! c01,,m 15 (M) 25.00 40.00 65.00 | !! 25.00 40.00 05.00 115.00 ill gahseriptUNifl **» ,l '{ ctl ; v 111 „1v nee- awl at the expiration ot the time ’ which payment is ma.le unless pre vrncwetl, thennm; of the subscriber ,-m i,. stricken from our books ... r e . ic i, s,|iinrc of ten lines or less, for the j insertion, SI, an<l for each subsequent Insertion, fifty cents. Ten lines of solid pr C vier, or its equivalent in spneo, make a ’’fi-rnis cash, before or on demand after the first insertion. Vlvcrtiscments under the head of “ Special Sotiecs," twenty cents per line for first in ■.ertion,' and ten cents each sebsequent inscr \il communications on matters of public | interest will meet with prompt attention, and " (onciso letters on general subjects are re spectfully solicited from all parts of the boiintry.^ mmm—mmmmm **BAILBOAI>S. Western it Atlantic. xrour rASSKXQKR*Ta\ix —outward. We Atlanta .3-45 P. M. Arrive at Calhoun 11.21 a. m. Arrive at Chattanooga 2 43 a. M. IUV PASSKNUhR THAIS—OUTWAKD. Leave Atlanta 3 15 A. M Arrive at Calhoun l'J I> * M - Arrive at Chattanooga 5.80 i*. m. ACCOMOU TION TRAIN OUTWARD. Leave Atlanta 530 i>. m. Arrive at Dalton .......3.30 P. m. MtiHT passbnobb train—inward. Leave ChaiUnooga 7-50 r. m. Arrive at Calhoun 11.21 P. m. Arriveat Atlantal 4 00 A. M. DAT PASSENGER TRAIN —INWARD. t,eive Chattanooga r ».30 A. M. Arrive at. Calhoun 944 a. m Arrive at Atlanta 3.00 p. m. ACCOMODATION TRAIN - IN WARD. Leave Dalton 200 p. m. Arrive at Atlanta 11.00 A. m ’professional cards. W. S. JOHNSON) Ailornc.v At LaWj r ALU01'X, GEORGIA. f«fy- Office in Southeast corner of the r .nnrt House. Aug 11 1 ts I. C. FMS. .los: m’uonxki.?,. fain and McConnell, A.lloni(\ys at, Law, CALHOUN, GEORGIA. {r-j-V* Office in the Court House. Augii l ts W. CANTRELL, Attorney Law. Calhoun, Georgia. •fjlbb Practice in the Cherokee Circuit, T* in P. S. District Court, Northern Dis trict of Georgia, (at Atlanta): and in the tsu premc Court of tlie .State of Georgia. 6n.lV, Pmir:r4, W. 11. VUnkis*. Yuriett.t, Ct.i. Calhoun, Ga PHILLIPS & RANKIN, A TTOHXEYK A T LA TV, eoUSCTINQ AGENTS Calhoun, Ga, \\J —:o: M ll.Tj practice in tlio Court., of tlie Cherokee Circuit. feif* Office North side Public .St pin re. 1L •I. Ivl K KU, A.ttorney;at Law, VALID) LX, GEORGIA. [Ojiire at the Old Stand of Cantrell Kilcer.] \171!,L practice in all the Courts of the H Cherokee Circuit; Supreme Court of ''Corgis, an d the United States District Court fit Atlanta, Ga. nuglO’TOly Bov. -A.. Martin, ATTORNEY AT LA IP, DAIILONKQA, - - - (iF.O. -Nov 10 1870 ts inoriEW Surgeon & PitgsiciatU flALIft/IN. . . . GEORGIA, M\s be found at his office, in the Krick store of lioaz, Barrett & Cos., day n- night—when not profe^iditally engaged jan2ti’7ltf RUFE WALDO THORNTON' DENTIST, CALIIOUX, - - . G.O.IGIA. IWANKFLL for *ornler patronage, solicits . a continuance of the same. Office at Residence. sepls DR.D.G. HUNT, Physician and Druggist, _ CALHOUN.\ GA. JTdT TINSLEY; WATCH-MAKER , J eweEee, CALHOUN, : : : : GEORGIA. .. * o Ab a style*of Clocks, Watches and Jewelry -t* neatly repaired »ml warranted. (ESTABLISHED Jy 1855.) •1.0. MATHEWSON, i’h'oWCe COMMISSION merchant -1 Vo UST Ay GEORGIA. Kcpt 1-870 ly T I N-W A R E Cooking Stoves ! W.T.HALL&BRO, WOULD iifform the public that they arc prepared to fill all orders in the Tin-Ware Line, At as LOW PRICKS as any similar* cstub lislimerit iii Cherokee Georgia. Our work is put up by experienced work men, and will compare favorably With any in the country. 0 In these days of Freedom, every good husband.should see that the *‘goot wife” is supplied with a goal Coolting Stovo, And \vc arc prepared to furnish any size or style desired at the Lowest Possible Prices. Give us a call. aull,tf A. W. BALLfeW, DEALER IN DRY-GOODS, NOTIONS, Boots, Shoes, Hats, Groceries, Hardware, Queensware, &c., MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS, FACTORY YARNS, SHIRTINGS, AND READY-MADE CLOTHING, FAMILY GROCERIES, LIQUORS, cfco. Railroad Street, - - CALIIOUX, GA. Has just received and constantly receiv ing, a fresh supply of BACON, LARD. FLOUR, MEAL, SUGAR, COFFEE, RICE, CIGARS, TOBACCO, CONFECTIONERIES, (iaiiiUttl Fruits, Nuts, Oysters, SARDINES, CHEESE, Ac. And, in fact, a full and complete assortment of Staple and Fancy Groceries. Ho also keeps one of the best, Stocks of WINES & LIQUORS, in this part of the country. If you want good, fresh Groceries, or Fine Old Whiskies, Brandies, or Wines, give me a call. feblb’7l6m J H. ARTHUR, DEALER 1N T STAPLE AXI) FAXCY DRY GOODS, Cutlery, Notions &c. Also keeps constantly on hand a choice stock of FAMILY GROCERIES, In all of which purchasers arc offered in ducements.to buy. Augl 11 Cm J. N. U. COBl!. isi)i W. WALKER. COBB a WALKER, AGENTS FOR CROVI4 BARB’S CELEBRATED SI-]\V I NX) M A Cl 1 1 Nil Every Machine Warranted to keep in good running order. ALSO AC ENTS FOB GEN. LEE MEMORIAL ASSOCIATION. G. M. HUNT, Callumn, Georgia, is author ized to transact nil our business during our absence. marlO-Gm CHEROIi EE iIAIMMINC I’ll, DAL TON, GA. Manufactures all Kinds of FUHKTITURE, Os the best material this country affords, and very superior in style and workmanship, which they offer to the public and the gen eral trade, as low as can be afforded. Chairs & Bedsteads a Speciality. Blinds, Doors, Sash and Job Work, to or der, on short notice. Dr. D. G. Hunt is our Agent at Calhoun, Ga., and keeps a good supply of Furniture onliarfd. J. W. WALKER. SWpt. L. D. Pat. mfi;, Secretary. aug2(»’7o-ly lIISSIIII TIIIY XtITKT. fill IE copartnership heretofore existing un -1 der the-firm name of Ballew & Marshall, is this day dissolved by mutual consent—J. W. Marshall retiring. The books of the firm are iri the letiids of .1. W. Ballew, who will close up ntl the ln‘tsin‘o < Nos the late firm. A. W. BH4k* J. W. Marshall. Read Further! I propose to continue the business at the old stand, and sr determined, at all times to keep a full and first-class jft'MftJ:. fehlG.lm A. W. DALLEW. G. H. & A. W. FORCE, SKIN OF TIIE BIG IRON BOOT, Whitkhall Strkrt, : : : Atlanta, Ga. BOOTS, Shoes and Trunks, a complete Stock and new Goods arriving daily! Gents’ Boots and Shoes, of the best makes. Ladies’ Shoes of all kinds. Boys, Misses and Children’s Shoes of evdry grade and make. IW We are prepared to offer inducements to Wholesale Trade. s6pt2-V7O-ly * ANY QUANTITY of “Fine Virginia Leaf ” and Manufactured Tobaccos at Dk JOUB NETT & S()N'S, G r > r. Brohtf & linage sts., Rome, CA.LHOTJISr, GA., THURSDAY, JITTSTE 8, 1871. POETRY. Tlie Boy Stood.on tlie Burning Beck—ln a Horn. The mule stood on a steamboat deck, The land he would not tread; They pulled the halter round bis neck, And cracked him over the head. Yet firm and steadfast there he, stood As though formed for to rule; A critter of heroic blood, Was that there cussed mule. They cussed and swore, he would not go, Until lie felt inclined; And though they showered blow on blow, He would not change his mind. The deck hands to the shore then cried “This here mule's bound to stay, And still upon tlmcritter’s hide Witli lash thtTy fif%d away. % ~ Ilis master from the shore replied, “The boat> about to sail, And every other means you've tried, Suppose you twist his tail. ” “ Its likely that will make him land, ” The deck hand, brave though pale, Approached him with his outstretched hand To twist his muleship’s tail. There came a sudden kick behind! The man.—oh! where was he? Ask of the softly blowing wind, The fishes of the sea. For a moment there Was not a sound, When that mule winked his eye, As though to ask of those around, “ Now how is that for high ?” “Cut that mule’s throat right away,” Tlie Captain did command, But the noblest critter killed that day Was the fearless, brave deck hand. MISCELLANTY. The Mysterious Organist. At a grand cathedral overlooking the Rhine there appeared a distinguished organist. The great composer who had played the organ so much had suddenly died, and everybody, from the king to the peasant, was wondering who could be found to fill his place, when one bright Sabbath morning, as the sexton entered the church, he saw a stranger sitting at the carpet shrouded organ.— He was a tall, graceful man, with a pale but strikingly handsome face,great black melancholy eyes, and hair like the ra ven’s wing for'gloss and color, sweeping in dark waves over his shoulders. He did not seem to notice the sexton, but went on playing, and such music as he drew from the instrument, no words of pjjntr can describe. The astonished lis tener declared that the organ seemed to have grown human—thatH wailed and sighed and clamored as if its tortured human heart were throbbing through its pipes. “ Ufa* who are you sir ?” “ Do not ask my name,” he replied; £; I have heard that you were in want of an organist, and I have come hereon trial!” “ You’ll be sure to get the place,” ex claimed the sexton. “Why you surpass him that’s dead and gone.” “No, no, you over-rate me,” said the stranger with a smile; then as if disin clined to conversation, he turned from old Hans, and began to play again, and now the music changed from a sorrowful strain to a grand old pesean, and the mysterious organist : Looking upward full of grace, Playing still from a happy place— God's glory smote him in the face. and his countenance seemed not unlike that of St. Michael, as portrayed by Gui.do. Lost in the melodies which swelled around him, he sat with his far-seeing eyes fixed on the distant sky, a glimpse of which he caught through ass open window, when there was a stir about the church door, and a royal party came, sweeping in. Among them might be seen a bright young girl, with a wealth of golden hair, ey<w like the violet’s hue, and lips like wild cherries. This was the Princess Elizabeth, and all eyes were turned towards her, as she seated herself in the velvet cushions appropri ated to the court. The mysterious or ganist fixed his eyes upon her and went to playing. No sooner had the music reached her ears than she started as if a ghost had crossed her path. The blood faded from her crimson cheek, her lips quivered, and her whole frame grefir tremulous. At last her eyes met those of the organist in a long yearning look, and the melody lost its joyous notes, and once more wailed and sighed and clamored. “By faith,” whispered the Kipg to his daughter, “this organist has a mas ter hand. Hark ye, be shall play at your wedding.” The pale lips of the princess parted, but she could not speak—she was dumb with grief. Like one in a painful dream, she saw the pale man at tire organ and heard the - melody which filled the vart edifice. Ay, full well she knew who it whs and why the instrument seemed breathing out the agony of a tortured heart. When the services were over and the royal party had left the cathedral he stole away as mysteriously as he had come. He was not seen again by the sexton till the vesper hour, and then he appeared in the organ loft and com menced bis task. When he played, a veiled figure glided in and knelt near a shrine. There she remained until the worshippers disappeared, when the sex ton touched her on the shoulder and said : “ Madame, everybody has gone but. you and me, and I wish to close the door.” “I am not ready to go yet,” was the reply ; “leave me. leave me !” The sexton drew back into a shady niche and watched and listened. The mysterious organist still kept his post. and his head was bowed upon the in strument, and lie could not see the lone devotee. At length she rose from the aisle, and moving to the organ loft, paused beside the organist. “Bertram !” she murmered. Quick as thought the organist raised his head. There with the light of the lamp suspended to the arch above fall ing upon her, stood the Prince*?, who had graced the royal pew that day.— The court dress of velvet with its ermine trimmings, the tiara, the necklace, the bracelets had been exchanged for a gray serge robe and a long thick veil which was now pushed back from the fair girl ish face. “ Why are you here, Bertram ?” asked the Princess. “I came to bid you farewell, and as I dared not venture into the palace, I gained access to the cathedral by bribing the bell ringer, and having taken the seat of the dead organist, let my music breathe out the adieu I could not trust my lips to utter.” A low moan was the only answer, and he continued : “l"ou are to be married on the mor row ?” “Yes,” sobbed the girl. “Oh ! Ber tram, what a trial it will be to stand at yonder altar and take upon me the vows which will doom me to a living death.” “Think of me,” rejoined the organ ist. “l"our royal father has requested me to play at the wedding, and I have promised to be here. If I were your equal I could be the bridegroom instead of the organist; but a poor musician must give yoii up.” “It is like rending my sou! and body asunder to part with you,” said the girl. “To-night 1 may tell you this—tell you fondly I love you but in a few hours it will be a sin! Go, go, God bless you.” Ehe waved him from her, as if she would banish him while she had the power to do so; and he—how was it with him ? He arose to leave her, then came back, held her to his heart in a long embrace, with a half smothered farewell left her. The next morning dawned in cloudless splendor. At an early hour the cathe dral was thrown open and the sexton began to prepare for the wedding.— Plume-colored flowers nodded by the way side--flame-colored leaves came dash ing down the trees and lay in heaps upon the ground; and the ripe wheat waved like a golden sea, and berries dropped in red and purple clusters over the rocks along the Rhine. "* A* length the palace gates were opened and the royal party appeared, escorting the Princess Elizabeth to the cathedral, where the marriage was to be Solemnized. It was a bright brighter than the entwined foliage and blossoms where the tufts of pinnies which floated from stately heads and festal robes that streamed down over the housings of the superb steeds. But the Princess, mounted on a snowy palfrey, and clad in snow-white velvet looked pale and sad; and when on nearing the church, she heard a gush of organ music, which, though jubilant in sound, struck on her ear like a funeral knell —she trembled and would have fallen to the earth, had not a page supported her. A few min utes afterwards she entered the cathe dral. There with his retinue stood the royal bridegroom, who she had never before seen. But her glance roved from him to the organ loft, where she had ex pected that mysterious organist. He was gone, and she was obliged to return the graceful bow of the King, to whom she had been betrothed from motives of policy. Mechanically she knelt at his side on the altar stone; mechanically listened to the service and made the responses. Then her husband drew her to him in a convulsive embrace,and whispered: “Elizabeth, my queen, my .wife, look up.” Trembling in every limb, she obeyed. Why did those eyes thrill her so? Why did that smile bring a glow on her cheeks ? Ah! though the King wofe the royal purple and many a jeweled order glit tered on his breast, he seemed the hum ble person who had been employed to teach organ music, and had taught her the lure of love. ‘‘Elizabeth,” murmered the monarch, “Bertram Iloffwer, the or ganist, and King Oscar (the Royal Free Mason) are one. Forgive my strate gem. I wished to marry you, but I would not drag to the altar an unwilling bride. Your father was in the .secfGt.” While tears of joy rained from her blue eyes the new-made queen returned her husband’s fond kisses, and for once two hearts were made happy by a royal marriage. A Dutchman’s Answer. —Squill— I say fellow, can you tell me where Mis ter Swackerhammer, the preacher, lives ? Dutchman—Yaw. You just walk the road up to de creek, and durn the britch over the sthream. Den you just go on till you come to a rote wat winds woo to afourrd the schoolhouse, put you don't dake dat rote. Well, den, you go on till you meet a big- barn. shnYgXed mit straw, den you durn de rote round do field and go on till you cam to a big white house all speckled mit white, and de garret up stairs. Well dat is my broder Han’s house round de barn, and you see a rote dat goes up in de voot?. Den you don’t dake dat rote, too. Den you go light straight on, and' de first ding you meet is a hay stack, and the neck is a barrack. Well, he ! don’t lif dere. Dcff you see a house on ! top de hill, and about a mile, and go ! on dere, and ax de ole voiuafr, and she j viH tell better as J can. ULLOFFS HEYic Wlmt the Doctors Say About It. Ruloff’s brain, which was carefully examined this morning, weighed 5H ounces, being 9J or 10 ounces heavier than the average weight. The heaviest brain ever weighed was that of Cuvier, the French naturalist, which is given by some authorities at 05 ounces, and by some at 54 ounces. The brain of Daniel Webster (partly estimated on ac count of a portion being destroyed by disease) weighed 64 oiinces. The brain of Dr. Abercrombia, of Scotland weighed 63 ounces. The. lower (brute) portion of Ruloff’s brain and the mechanical powers were unusually lal*ge. The up per portion of the brainy which directs the higher moral and religious senti ments, was very deficient. In the for mation of the brain, Ruloff was a fero cious animal, and, so far as disposition could relieve him from responsibility, he was not strictly- responsible for his acts. The measurement es Ruloff’s head around at the eyebrows, (supra orbital) was 251 inches. The skull was probably the thickest ever known. In no place was it less than § of an inch in thickness, and in most places it was half an inch thick. The usual thickness of man’s skull is less than one fourth of an .inch, lluloff’s head was opened in the usual way, by parting the scalp over the top of the head, from one ear to the other, and sawing off the top. The surgeons who performed the operations say it re quired three quarters of an hour to saw around the skull, and before it was com pleted they began to think the head was all skull. With the protection of a skull half an inch thick, and a scalp of the thickness and toughness of a rhi noceros rind, the man of seven murders was provided with a natural helmet that Wbuld have defied the force of any pis tol bullet. If he had been in Mirick’s place, the bullet would have made only a slight wound; and had he been pro vided with a cutis vera equal to his scalp, his defensive armor against bullets would have been as complete as a coat of mail. The cords in Ruloff’s neck were as heavy and strong as those of an ox, and from his formation, one would almost suppose that he was protected against death from the gallows as well as by in jury to his head. Ruloff’s body was larger than it was supposed to be by the casual observers. The Sheriff ascer tained when he took the measure of the prisoner for a coffin to bury him, that he was 5 feet 10 inches in 'height, and measured 19 inches across his shoulders. When in good condition his weight was about 175 pounds. It is very well known that Ruloff’s grave was opened three different times last Friday night, by different parties who wanted to obtain his head. One of these parties was from Albany, and twice the body was disintered by persons living in jling hampton. One company no sooner cover up the body, which all found headless, and leave it, than an other company would come and go through the same operation. It is now known that the head was never buried with the body, but was legally obtained before the burial, by the surgeons who have possession of it. The hair and beard were shaved off close, and an ex cellent impression in plaster was taken of the whole head. The brain is now undergoing a hardening process, and when that is Completed,, an impression will be taken of it entire, and then it will be parted,the different parts weighed and impressions made of the several sections. Mafriage Maxims. A good wife is the greatest earthly blessing. A man is what his wife makes him. It is the mother who moulds the char acter and destiny of the child. Make marriage a matter of moral judgment. Marry in your religion. Marry into a different blood and tem perament from your own. MaiTy into a family you have long known. Never talk at one another, either alone or in company. Never both manifest anger at once. Never speak loud to one another, un less the house is on fire. Never reflect on a past action, which was done with a good motive; and, with the best judgement at the Dmc. Let each one strive to" yield oftoncst to the wishes of the other. Let self-abnegation be the daily qjm and effort of each. The very nearest approach to domes tic felicity on earth, is the mutual culti vation of absolute unselfishness. Never find fault, unless it is perfectly certain that a fault has been committed, and even then, "prelude it with a kisS, and lovingly. Never allow a request to be repeated. “I forget” is never an accepatble ex cuse. Never make a remark at the expense of the other, it is meanness. Never part for a day without loving words to think of during your absence. Besides, it may be that you will not meet again in life. —-a ■» ■ Some me?f afe strangely sensitive.— They will get drunk, rave about the Streets, yelling like savages, go home, beat their wives, turn their children out of doors, resist the officers who ar rest them, pay a fme before the court, ancf having rnaue themselves as notori ous as possible, will slide around to the editor and beg him, with tears in their eyes, not to bring disgrace in their families by mentioning the little affair n the paper. Wiiat Does Masonry Do for Men. —A prominent anti-Mason in Windham county, at a funeral of a man who was followed to the grave by hundreds of Masons, and as honorably buried as though he had been a King, said to the Marshal of Moriah Lodge that he could not understand it all; that when a man so obscure died, being a church member, his brethren would not honor him in death as Masons honor their dead. The Marshal asked him if this man who was dead was not an honest man. “ Yes,” was the reply, “ but still I can not till— derstand it.” “ Tell u.c,” said the man, “ what Masonry does for men who go in at its portals. The reply of the Mar shal came promptly, and all of its words are golden, and each should have a setting ol the purest diamonds, and be treasured ana remembered*forever : “ Masonry seeks to make men what God designed they should be, without it.” Such in deed is masonry. It guides, directs and influences men to be good, and when he foachds the dark portal which, once hav ing passed, he comes to us no more, it only asks, did he die an honest man ? This being so, silently they gather around the bier, and grandly, as though he were of the mighty of the earth, they bury him out of sight. —Jjoomis ’ Mu sical and Asa son ic Journal. — Tifdl’ k.- : -TIIc Boston wreckers who have been engaged in re covering $5,800,000 sunk in the British vessel Hussar during the revolutionary war have been successful. During the the past week Conductor H. Barnes and sixteen men have been work ing in eighty feet water at Port Morris, Westchester county, where the wreck lies. Divers have reached the treasure hold, which contained twenty-six nvu chests of specie ; but the action of the heavy substances of the chests have been cemented so firmly together that they must be raided en masse. Doubt of the ultimate success of the work is over. Twenty thousand dollars have been expended on the work. Many Cannon and other cm iosties of the wreck have been raised and presented to the Central Park Museum. A Dutchman’s Joke. —When the nickle cent first came into u,sc n stand ing joke was to ask “ Why tlie eagle was represented in a flying position,” “ Be cause he’s on anew cent (scent).” A friend of ours propounded the question to a gentleman from Germany, and on giving the answer his friend seemed to think there might be a good joke in it, but be couldn’t see it. “ He’s ,on p new ~(s)cent,” repeated Our friend, “ he smells something, scent is something you can smell.” “ Oh-h! ya’as, dat vas a goot von, vere you got it '{ Foots rate, ain’t it.— Stop a leedlo, I fools Yoppy mit dat, you shust vait. Yoppy, coom here.”— Yoppy walks up. “ You knows vot for dat eagle vas flying ?” loppy acknowledged his ignorance, but was enlightened at once by the fol lowing : “ Bccose he’s on anew shtink.” Old Fashioned Religion. —Fanny Fern says real devotion may stroll to church with a gilt edged, gilt clasped, velvet prayer book, with a staring gilt cross on the cover, held by the daintiest yellow gloves, in conjunction with a cob web handkerchief, heavily freighted with rich lace ; real devotion, may do this, but it staggers my faith to believe it. It is a relief to me, at any rate, to look away from such a spectacle to some poor body, in but well, mended clothes, in company with a wel! thumbed Bibl£ or prayer book, with the look of having been used; a leaf turned down here, a pencil mark there, perhaps by some dear toil-hardened hand, cold and white enough now, over which warm tears have dropped on its pages, during life’s great struggle upward. - “ Bob, where’s the State of matri mony?” “It is one of the United States. It is bounded by hugging and kissing on one side, and cradles and ba bies on the other. Ifs chief products are population, broomsticks and staying out late o’nights. It was discovered by Adam and Eve while trying to find a northwest passage out of Paradise. The climate is sultry till you pass the tropics of housekeeping, when squally weather commonly sets in with such power as to keep all hands as cool as cucumber*.—- For the principal roads leading to (his interesting State, consult the first pair of blue eyes you run against.” — “Well Tom,” said a blacksmith to his apprentice, “you have been with me now three months, and have seen all the different points in our (?ade. I wish to give you your choice of work for awhile.” “ Thank’ee, sir.” “ Well, ~olf, what part of the busi ness do you like best ?” “ Shuttin’ up shop, and goin’ to din ner, sir.” A Story is told of a young couple in Hartford who wanted to hear Dickens read. They could hardly afford it. but screwed up their extravagance to the necessary piL*V. A- they had conclu ded to invest, they bethought themselves of a poorer family near by who was suf fering from lack of work. So they gave up Dickens and paid the price of two tickets to their impoverished neigh bors. The people took the money, bought tickets with it, and attended the readings. Sawdust pills, says an old physician, would effectually cure many ot“ the dis eases with which mankind is affected, if every patient would make his own saw dust dumber 43; YHrtous Items. jjt, The laps of time—Onr old coat-tails. A ‘‘storied earn"—The novelist's pw t Cats Hnd effect—Crows and scare crows. • How to keep bools.—Don't lend Itlcm. , . A real teetotal curiosity.—A pair of water-tight boots. What is the worst seat a man can si* on ? Self-concc^. When is a scheme like the third of A yard? When it ’a n-foot. When is it useless to try to rorrow a book ? When it's lent. If seven clays mike one week, how many will make one strong? If forty Perches make one rood, how many will make one polite ? Moisey that comes back ten fold—that expended injudicious advertising. Why is hunger like the chastening rod ? Because both make the boy holler. Marriage makqs a man and woman one; but the trouble is to tell which of them is the one. “Halloa, there, Betsey, what o’clock is it, and where’s the chicken pie ?” “It’s cv/ht } sir.” A GIRL with a “ringing laugh” caused an alarm of fire th<j other day. They took her for a rer ‘. A cross old bachelor suggests thai births should be announced under the of new music. A young Philadelphian has just died of softening of the brain, caused by the coculm i*»W?f ; ’orin lager beer. Carpenters are plane fellows, apt to chisel, often great bores , and sometimes cut up people badly with their old sows. t • i Student—“ Professor, can you sco anything in my eye ?. It feels very sore.” Professor —“1 see a very bad pupil, sir.” A young lady who was boasting of her was asVetl if they were natura| of aftiiieial. “Neither, they are gutta pe reha.” What is that, which when brought,to the table, is cirt hilt never eaten? X pack of car&s. •. , * */ An Ohio lyceum is trying to cipher out which is the oldest battle cry, “Erin go bragh' o? Iff tPgo blue !” A darkey who witnessed the explosion of a shell for the first time, declaimed : “See dar, hell hab laid an egg.” A lady in reply to some guests who praised the mutton on the table, said : “Ob yes, my‘husband always buys the best; he’s a great cpivac ! A nigger applied at a drug store for a tin kcr’s violin, saying it had been pre scribed by a physician. Tincture of iodine was just what he wanted. Schuyler Colfax, who recently retired from public life, will engage in the man ufacture of patent, overshot, back-ao tion, reciprocating hen coops, Hi HnHir Bend. “Have you ‘Blasted Hopes ?’ ” asked a lady of a green librarian, whose face was much swollen. “No ma’am,” here plied, “but I have a blasted toothache.” A shrill old lady in Memphis, when ever she loses her scissors, rouses the whole family with' “Where's them shears appeared to ?” “ Whisky is your greatest enemy.” “But.” says Mr. Jones, “don’tthe Bible say, Mr. Preacher, that we are to love our enemies /” “Oh yes, Jones, hut it don’t rsiy $6 ate to swallow them.” Why is a young lady considering tho numerous proposals she has recieved, like the terrestrial sphere ? Because she is revolving on her axis. “There is no place like home” unless it's the home of the young lady you aro after. Future poets will please make note of this. An Ohio woman was so amiatlc at breakfast the otjicr morning that hcl* husband took the coffee to a chemist for analysis. “Them soldiers must-be an awful aj?* honest .?ct,” rnic? an old lady, “for not a night seems to pass that some sentry irf not relieved of his watch.” A gentleman who was o *i his death bed, stffrounded by a 'enclave of physi cians, appealed to them in piteous tones, “My dear sirs, whatever you do, please let me die a natural death.” A Yankee being to hi:? wife, said, “Why, sir, she’d nudcc a reg ular fast, go ahead steamer, my wife would—she has s?uch a wonderful talent for blowing A colored barber in lowa, subpoenaed to serve as a juror, was on the usual ex amination asked. “ Af*e you a voter?” arf<? brought, *be hot?«e by answer ing.* “ I’s black enoiTgh, but not okf enough.” • A pretty girl says if it was wrong for Adam to live single *rben there was not a woman on earth, how guilty arc ok? bachelors, with the world full cf pretty girls. . “MnrSifa, my (fcniV’ said a loving hus ba id to his spouse, who was several years Ms junior, “what do you say to moving to the far West?” “Oh, I am delighted with the idea. You rccollcei wHeiY MrV Morgan moved oift tWef6 Ft vfqs as poor as we are, and in three years he died, leav ing his widow worth n hundred tkx/- sand dollars. *■