Newspaper Page Text
October 30, 1991
Jbgpote JRagazine
Page 13
The World Series:Our boys continue their adventures in Minnesota...
Where the women are strong
An initial survey of our predicament provided g r im results. We
had been beaten badly, but not seriously, and were dressed in th&
simple dog skin garb of the locals. Our clothes and personal effects
were nowhere in sight, with a single torch providing the only
illumination. On the positive side our guide, Jean-Jaques, shared
our troubles, although he had been beaten more severely. “My
friends," the small man said, "look, ze women, dey deed not take zis
devize, for eet made noises weech scare dem."
We were overjoyed. With cellular phone in hand it was but a
simple matter to call the embassy and authorize an airstrike on our
position. After a wait of only a few minutes, the
Georgia ANG's Harrier VTOL aircraft were
raining destruction on the backwards Min
neapolis. Luckily, some of the ordinance found
its way to its target and created a hole in the
foundation large enough for us to make an
escape. In the confusion, we spotted a snow
mobile equipped with a sidecar and with a
fond farewell to Jean-Jaques, made our way
to the stadium.
With our press credentials stolen, we had
no legal means of entry into the ballpark, but
in considering our circumstances we felt any
creative solutions would be justified. Circling
the building, we spotted a back entrance,
overpowered the guards, and slipped in qui
etly. The Metrodome. I can only make an
earnest prayer that I should never again find
myself in a place so vile as that god forsaken pit of inequity. A
thousand foul stenches greeted our nostrils, from the slime on the
walls, from the occasional threads of black smoke, and especially
from the black, brackish water which covered the floor. We were
soon hopelessly lost in the labyrinthine structure, with the yapping
of hounds, and the din of unsavory goings on constantly within ear
shot. The only illumination came from dim, but loudly humming
bulbs and the occasional, unattended garbage fire.
We splashed along the corridors, generally heading upwards,
as we tried to make the bleachers. Our plan was simple; as we were
dressed in the simple fashion of the natives, it just might be possible
for us to remain incognito and avoid the authorities long enough to
watch the game and make an escape. We almost made it. The
bleachers were in sight, the harsh artificial lighting of the dome
spilling into the corridor, when we heard a familiar caterwauling from
behind us. "Heeeey Boyyys! Hey Flagpole! Hee haw, why didn't ya’ll
let me know ya’ll was in town!" it was Turner, as usual, he had been
drinking heavily. We pretended not to notice and attempted to hurry
on, with safety just a dozen yards ahead, but he persisted. “Hey
Joe, come on back to the lounge, I'll get Jane to rub yer feet," he
screeched, slapping me on the shoulder. By now Turner’s antics
had attracted the attention of the stadium’s private police force,
the jig was up.
We were taken into custody, and without formal arrest or trial,
informed that we were "enemies of the state" and "southern gang
sters" and as such, we were to be executed im -
Here much of the original fax transmission was lost, due to
jamming at the source. Many thanks to the folks at the R E M of
fices for picking up the feed. - Ed
- black smoke pouring from the engines.
"I can’t stop firing now!" shouted Stipe, the
red hot barrels of the twin ,30’s casting his
face in a hellish glow, “if I do the guns’ll jam."
McKay did not hear him, lost as he was in
the task of keeping the Reconstruction aloft
Indeed it seemed as if he fought a losing
battle, as the mighty soviet-c Jilt gunship
pitched and swayed, but seemed unable
gam the crucial altitude
"Crawford!" the filmmaker/pilot shouted,
"see what you can do about that oil leak!"
But Steve was one step ahead of him, and
had already removed the access panel and
was in the process of putting out the fire. All
the while the odd bullet ricocheted within
the aircraft, as we took volley after volley
from the throng below. I had never felt more useless, but with a slug
the size of my thumb resting next to my spine, I realized there was
nothing more I could do.
I groped around the floor until I found Dr. Wolf’s utility pouch.
I felt inside and found the Lemke doll still there. It was the only voo
doo talisman we had been able to capture. Would it be enough?
Could that small victory alone counter the pact with The Dark
One® that led the evil Minnesotans to all their victories? Only time
would tell.
Just then I felt rotors once again lurch into high gear. “Go, go,
go, go!" shouted Steve. We steadily rose, and with increasing
speed. I began to feel cold...
When next I awoke, I found myself on a makeshift litter, being
pulled behind a horse, upon which sat Steve. He explained to me
that we had had to ditch the gunship in the lower St. Croix, and after
splitting up from Stipe and McKay (for tactical reasons) we had
made our way into the relative safety of the Wisconsin Highlands.
"We’ll be alright now," he said. I silently wondered if he was right.
Joe Greema
Steve took this photo of our captors with a
camera hidden in his ear lobe.
Outrage at
This must be stopped! The attitude
toward artists here in Athens is a moral
outrage. Can we, the public, allow individ
ual citizens to nurture their artistic souls
unchecked 9 No censorship 9 No firm but
gentle invisible hand 9
Damn straight! Nancy Lukasiewicz is
not your mom, but you can go over to her
house, the Lyndon House, and appease
your artistic soul in a variety of ways Be
cause the Lyndon House is a part of the
Athens/Clarke Co government and receives
grants for its funding, it can feature a variety
of art, such as works by children and experi
mental and performance artists along with
quilting and traditional painting shows.
House
The Lyndon House is the kind of place
Jesse Helms would shake his fist at! Espe
cially since Nancy says she is willing to
entertain any proposals for use of the gal
lery space.
At present, a show of the Athens Art
Assoc, (the main downstairs gallery only
doesgroup shows), is on display. The show
nas some nice works, it would be worth
checking out Also, there will be a rummage
sale to raise money for art projects at LHAC
on Nov. 2 starting at 8 a m and a craft show
from Nov. 13-Dec. 13. If anyone reading this
is inspired by the open, inviting approach to
the arts at the LHAC, give Nancy a call at
357-6076, she’d love to have volunteers.
Christina Drake
Lost in a masquerade
George Benson I am not Neither am I Telly Savalas Uncle Fester, maybe The40Watt
presents its annual Masquerade Ball on Hallowe’en, Thursday, October 31. This benefits
the homeless. Our own Steve “Blood n' Guts" Crawford will be one of the judges fot the
costume contest. (Begin Peter Lorre voice.) I think you should get dressed and make it
down there. You might have a good time. I might even. Thank you. (End Peter Lorre voice.)
Sudds-nly a hidden box squeeeeaks open, a hand flies cut, it grabs your narrator by the
throat and mngph
(30) (Offstage: clunk.)
the Lyndon
Nancy feels this is what makes the Lyndon
House special; that they can put on shows
that commercial galleries couldn’t.
The Lyndon House offers classes for
people of all ages and workshops for artists
and writers as well. Participants are wel
come to come use the studio whenever the
building is open, not just during meeting
times Available to everyone in the commu
nity are a printing press, a slide-viewing
machine and equipment for photographing
art work. There is also an art library with an
extensive collection of art magazines, sup
ply catalogues, as well as books. Profes
sional artists will find the files on art galler
ies, organizations, tax and legal info useful.
Wed., 30-SINK OR SWIM
Thur., 31 - DOLLAR NIGHT
Sat., 2- 5( Saturday
(5* Draft 7:30-10:00)
Mon., 4 - LIVE JAZZ FLAVORS
Tues., 5 - LADIES NIGHT
Ladies Night
Anything Goes
“Between the Sheets'Contest
Athens' Premiere Nightclub
Located at
Downtown Park Plaza
320 E. Clayton St. • Athens, CA
Mezzanine (Balcony) Area
Available
for Private Parties
548 - 7733