Newspaper Page Text
23, 1994
The recent tnumph of the Republicans
and the Chnstians has swept out old ways of
seeing and blown in new perspectives. Every
body has known for a long time, for instance,
that welfare doesn’t work, but nobody has
done anything else for the poor but throw
money at them
The solution all along was not to reform
welfare but to do away with it, thus saving
billions and restoring the character and in-
tegnty of the poor.
Naturally, some of the liberals who can
not extricate themselves from welfare blind
ers are concerned that abandoning welfare
will result in hordes of the poor wandering
the streets in desperation.
The answer is clear. If the poor are too
numerous and likely to breed and increase and
become parasites upon the land, these un
wanted tendencies can be controlled through
an open hunting season at specified times
dunng the year.
The summer, for instance, would be the
most propitious time for such an open sea
son, because the poor are much more likely
to be out in view dunng the warmer months.
The summer open season would also be a bo
nus for hunters, whose activities are usually
confined by law to the colder months.
Whereas in earlier times the surge and
thnll of hunting were accompanied by the
knowledge that your action provided neces
sary sustenance for your family, in latter days
we must be content in the knowledge that
we are preventing a species from overgrow
ing and crowding itself out of its habitat Con
trolled hunting, in other words, helps the spe
cies, rather than harming it.
So is it with the species we call the poor,
who, perhaps more than any other are in dan
ger of breeding and eating themselves out of
their natural habitat Therefore one must keep
in mind at all times that hunting the poor is
in no way an attack upon this species but is
an attempt to keep their numbers within
bounds that can be supported by their envi
ronment. Even so, liberal voices will doubt
less be heard in the land decrying, as usual,
cruelty to the poor.
This shnll charge can hardly be substan
tiated if hunters are careful to use humane
weapons in this program of poor control.
Large-magazine, semi-automatic rifles should
always be the weapon of choice when prac
ticing poor-control, because they were devel
oped specifically for the purpose of taking
down human beings quickly. To use a lesser
weapon would be to flirt with culpability when
the liberal cries cruelty The large-magazine,
rapid-fire weapon lessens the chance of just
wounding the prey, to have it crawl off some
where to die or to require health care.
Naturally, the more sporting proposition
is to take the poor one-by-one, running At
the same time, one must acknowledge that
there are always the bad sports who give hunt
ing a bad name by surprising game and open
ing fire into a herd.
Either way, though, singly or in batches,
this method of poor control is bound to cre
ate a supply of carcasses, and the question
naturally anses: what to do with the kill?
The poor, almost by definition, will not be
particularly edible. Food stamps having been
cut out, few of them are likely to be plump
enough for that consideration A certain num
ber can be sold to the medical colleges for re
search mto the causes of poverty, but demand
is liable to be relatively low, since poverty will
no longer be the problem it once was
Inevitably the bulk of the carcasses of the
poor will be used in some way to put their
protein back into the food chain. Here at
home consumers probably cannot be sold on
the idea of ingesting such protein, but of
course their pets can, and their gardens can
benefit from the bone meal
Abroad, as with many other products en
joying a slightly unsavory reputation here,
wide markets await, where people would kill
for cheap protein.
The bleeding hearts of knee-jerk liberals
will cry out in protest over this humane en
deavor. But in actuality, given the measure of
Republican/Chnstian control in both the
House and the Senate: Who cares?
Pete McCommons
Editor, Flagpole Magazine
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