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THE PRESIDENT AND THE PRETZEL
The makeup couldn’t quite hide the still raw
scrape on the side of his face. Neither could the
formal setting of the Oval Office, made even
more austere by camera lights, conceal the fire in
his eyes. As he has done time and time again.
President Bush projected a calm steady resolve in
moments of crisis.
This was his first nationally televised speech
since being choked into unconsciousness by a
pretzel and he understood the significance of his
mission. He knew he must steel a war-weary
public for the tasks that lay ahead.
Speaking slowly and deliberately, the
President denounced pretzels as a threat to the
American way of life and the safety of all
American citizens. He then vowed to track down
the alleged mastermind behind the tasty treats.
"The evildoer Rold Gold can run but he can't
hide. And if he does hide, we'll smoke him out of
his hole, which would seem to be a logical
hiding place, or from his isolated cabin if he
decides to go that route, no matter how long it
takes. I assure you, my fellow Americans, we will
not bite off more than we can chew. And chew it
we will. Thoroughly."
While munching from a bowl of Goldfish
crackers on his desk, the President stressed that
his agenda should not be construed as an attack
on all salty snacks. He warmly praised the satis
fying goodness of potato chips, pork rinds,
Doritos. Funyuns, Bugles, both Cheese Nips and
Cheez-Its, and even the hard to find but totally
worth it if you like spicy, Andy Capp's Hot Fries.
The President stated there was abundant shelf
space for all and others just like them. But where
pretzels were once stocked, something else will
now be displayed. Pretzels are about to become
the pariahs of the snack world.
“Every supermarket, convenience store and
gas station that carries snacks now has a deci
sion to make: either you are with us or you are
with the pretzels," declared the President.
Already thousands of bags of pretzels have
been rounded up by the FBI. The Justice
Department has refused to give out the exact
number, but admits that bags of Chex-Mix. which
lists pretzels as a primary ingredient, are among
the detainees.
"We -will make no distinction between pretzels
and those who harbor pretzels," said Attorney
General John Ashcroft.
While the public has responded favorably to
Bush's speech and the way he has handled the
crisis, the White House spin machine is still
working overtime. Presidential spokesperson Ari
Fleischer defended the decision to whisk Bush
out of Washington immediately after the attack.
"We had credible information at the time that
other pretzels remained in or near the White
House, possibly in a vending machine. We felt
the prudent thing to do was to get the President
to a secure location as quickly as possible."
Fleischer also did a little damage control.
When first describing the incident to reporters.
Bush said, "I just all of a sudden passed out. The
next thing I know, I wake up on the floor with
my face all scraped up, I have a pounding
headache and can't remember a thing. It was
totally like I was back in college again."
Fleischer explained that the President was
referring to his many all-night study sessions
that often led to an exhausted collapse.
At the time of the pretzel attack. Bush was
alone in the White House residence, except for
his two dogs. The dogs apparently did nothing to
aid the fallen President even though a simple
bark could have summoned Secret Service
agents. Both canines now face military tribunals.
Roger Naylor
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If you think you arc beaten, you are;
If you think you dare nol y you don't.
If you like to win but think you can't
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose,
Your lost;
For out in the world we find success
begins with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind.
Life's battles don't always go to the
stronger or faster man;
But sooner or later the man who wins
is the one who thinks he can.
Author i'nhunun
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6 FLAGPOLE.COM • JANUARY 16, 2002