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-t-i.
*r*L.._* question people ask me when they find out—and almost
I f fly- no one finds out—is why. Why do I let you do this to
me?'I don't fit their stereotype: I'm an intelligent, educated, finan
cially stable woman, and I worked hard to put myself here. Why do I
let you tear me down?
Honestly, I don't know.
What I do know is this: before I met you, I often congratulated
myself on my independence and self-confidence. Sometimes, I even
felt attractive and believed that I was worth loving.
And I know this: I don't go out looking for you. I barely even
notice you when you first come into my life, and I don't think of
you in a romantic way, I swear.
So when you approach me, I think you
must be kidding. You're so good looking,
young, smart and from the best family in
town. But you're not kidding. You pursue me
relentlessly and wear me down with your talk
of soulmates, destiny and love.
You tell me how amazing I am, and yOu say
you love everything about me that I like about
myself. You're not just saying that or so it
seems. You get specific, and you notice the
little things that matter to me. This never hap
pens to me, so it's not long before I'm thinking:
"at last"
And 1 whisper to myself: *1 want you to take
care of me.*
But I don't blame you for the seduction. It's
not your fault Yes, you offer me the love heroin,
but I'm the one who takes it eagerly, desper
ately. I see the warning signs: the boundaries are
mine to set if I want to. But I don't want to. I
want you to consume me. I want you to be my
life, because I don't think I have one of my own.
I leave my marriage (dead long before I met
you) right away. It's just that easy. I can't sleep
or eat but in a good way. You and I can't stay
away from each other. You're obsessed with me,
and magical thinker that I am, it's my dream come
true. Finally, for the very first time, a man loves
me for me! And I love him, too! This is the best
thing that's ever happened to me.
In a matter of days, you own me.
with you still inside me, I look into your eyes and tell you that I do.
You push me off of you and say no, no, no. And just like that I'm
on the floor alone and naked and crying and trying to understand
how you can love me and want me one minute and hate me and be
repulsed by me the next
Maybe you know the answer, but I know you won't tell me,
because you won't even talk to me, and you won't let me talk to
you. You're in the bathroom, washing me away from you.
1 pull myself up, try to get dressed. I don't know what's going to
happen next, but I know it'll be less humiliating if I'm not naked.
Time for damage control
But it's all an illusion, of course. I keep trying to
get more of the drug, to re-create that high, but it
never comes back, because you're no longer giving;
you're just taking. And now I'm hooked: powerless
to do anything but give you what you want
I try to extricate myself. I go to therapy, desper
ately tfying to find the answers that I don't really
want The self-help books 1 read, and I read an awful
lot of them these days, tell me to cultivate my hob
bies and interests.
Bullshit I already have hobbies and interests, and
none of them engages me the way you do. Who
writes this shit anyway? Has anyone ever walked
away from a fiery, all-consuming love affair so they
can have more time to knit and fly-fish?
Not me. And so I sign up to play the game. But
I'm doomed, because you've already won. And because
you don't love me, boy are you holding all the cards.
I try to play anyway, but how can I win at a game I don't under
stand? I would play by the rules if I knew what they were, but you
keep changing them.
One day, I undress you and kiss you and stroke your beautiful
stomach. You sigh and say, *1 love the way you touch me.* Of
course you do, I think. I'm your soulmate, so I know what you want
and I'll give it to you. The next week, when I touch you in exactly
the same way, you slap me away and snarl, "Don't touch me!*
Another day, you ask me to love you. You tell me that we can be
together forever if I love you. Days later, I make love to you, and
you want. I know how to fix every single thing so the man doesn't
get angry. I'm something of an expert But it's not working now.
You put me in your truck—what are you going to do, drive me
away from your family's good name? In an instant I'm transformed
from object of desire to leaking bag of garbage to be dumped.
It's funny—my worst fear right now is not where are you taking
me, and what are you going to do to me? It's that you don't want
me anymore. Sure, I'm afraid of you, but I'm more afraid that you'll
abandon me.
And that's exactly what happens. You force me out of the truck
at the edge of town. Total humiliation: you've fucked
me, abused me, abandoned me. and I'm crying,
bleeding, alone right there on the main drag in our
tiny town.
And no one sees me at aU. Remember: I'm the
expert
now i m Bleeding. l tnmx, youve really nurt me tms
time. But no. I've started my period. Everything—you, me, my
blood—is smeared all over me, and I'm crying and now you don't
love me.
And believe it or not I'm the one who's apologizing. And I dean
it up. It's my job to keep your secrets. You're saying you shouldn't
have brought me here. Look what a mess I'm making of your family's
historic building. Now, I'm making too much noise. I'm just toying to
calm you down, but everything I do makes you angrier. Oh, God,
how am I fucking this up so badly? I've spent my whole life in
training for this. I can be perfect and quiet or whatever it is that
So... tonight is the night. This is when I know
for sure that I'm in an abusive relationship. But I'm
so addicted to you now (my therapist doesn't like it
when I use the words "love" and "relationship"
when I talk about you) that I'm willing to follow
you down as far as you'll take me.
Because it's not just about you. You're not just a
man. You're a link in a chain. I know that if I get
away from you, there will be another one—and
he'll be worse, no doubt, because they've gotten
worse as I’ve grown older. I put more in; I get less
out That's how it works.
Later, after these episodes, there's a honey
moon phase. You come back to me, saying, "You
Know it's not my fault right? You know you pro
voke me. You change me into a different person."
I don't disagree.
What damages me most is not that you're
doing it but that I’m letting you do it and l don't
j want you to stop. It's a downward spiral: The
: lower I feel the more I take, and the worse you
get, the lower I feel etc
Those books I read say that women like me
don't leave men like you because they can't
afford to leave or they're afraid you'll come after
them and the children. What's my excuse? You're
surety not giving me any money. I've got money
of my own, and you don't give a shit about me,
so I'm pretty sure you won't come after me. You
can go somewhere else: what girl in town
doesn't want you? I'm nothing to you, but you
feel like my last chance.
therapist tells me that as long as I'm
to you, I can't meet a nice guy. I hear
words come out of my mouth: "Nice guys
don't go for girts like me." If any friend of mine
said this, I'd prop her up and find a way to con
vince her it isn't true. But I can say it about
myself, because I know ft's the truth, and
there's no sense denying it That leads to false
hope, and false hope leads to men like you.
I swear, it's not like I pick you and your
brothers. You guys always come for me, and I
no. You find me and wear me down. Who did she say she worked
for? Call her there. What's her last name? Look it up. It's a small
town. It's not b'ke I'm turning down the nice guys and picking you.
The nice guys don't approach—girts like me.
I'm so ashamed that I'm letting you treat me this way, but the
truth is, the worse you treat me, the more I love you. Those closest
to me want me to be free of you, I think, but mostly, they don't
know what to say. They tell me to stay away from you: "If he calls,
don't answer the phone. If he comes over anyway, call the police.
Don't talk to him/ He's bad for you."
They don't get it You don't stop because I don't want you to
stop. If I really wanted to, I could find a way out
10 FUGPOLE.COM • JUNE 8, 2005 .