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myself in trying circumstances, mainly by way of relationships. If
it wasn't edgy or daring enough, I turned my back on it. At one
point during my undergraduate studies, I juggled a passionate
cross-country love affair, a fling with a striking man from Chile, a
devastating obsession with someone I worked with and a doomed
live-in relationship with a locaL I was actually shocked when I re
alized later that I had lived through a nervous breakdown.
But the nature of manic depression is this: two polar opposites
of emotion, hence the name Bipolar Disorder. Within these opposi
tions, there are several different layers, which is another reason
I prefer the term manic depression. Bipolar suggests something
clean and simple, when in reality, it is far horn simple and clean.
In my experience, I was either living on the edge, relishing the
dangerous situations that I purposely got myself into, or I was in
the deepest of depressions, filled with remorse and despair over
all the pain I had caused my loved ones and myself. Mania can
also produce delusions: one late night I drove down every dark and
forbidding road 1 could find, screaming for the Bogeyman to show
himself and prove his existence.
And yes, there is middle ground, when you feel relatively nor
mal, when you may even look back with a sense of humor at all
that crazy shit you pulled. However, I feel that I am constantly
worrying about my actions the day or night before. Did I lose con
trol? Did I do something to embarrass myself once again? If I am
manic, or depressed in some cases, I often have no idea of what
I'm doing, and I certainly don't care about the possible conse
quences. “A frustrating mess."
"I don't have a sodding clue." That's what my husband says
about handling this illness. Neither do I. Medication to grant
me some shred of self-control, writing and people who care for
me—that's what I have. There is no cure. So, I wait. I wait for the
next manic episode, wait for the next time I fire out a bunch of in
coherent emails or letters, wait for the next time I drink too much
and look for a fight at a bar downtown, wait for the next time I
upset someone close to me. Or I wait for that depression. That de
pression that drags me into the darkest depths of Hell, and I wait
for the next bout of uncontrolled sobbing and sheer agony, wait
for the next time that I am choked by guilt and solitude.
It's a dirty, gritty business.
But hope does exist. Hope. If you don't have the support of
family or friends, turn to a professional. Find help, because while
the illness will always be there, at least you can do something to
make life a bit more tolerable. If you can't afford to see a thera
pist. try the resources that places such as Nug's Space offer. With
the annual Mental Health Benefit about to kick off (see Box), I
know that these amazing people will take great strides in once
again bringing awareness to the community of those’suffering
from mental illness. Without the continual support that I have
received from my family, my friends and my doctor, I would have
committed suicide. But I'm rtill here. I'm still kicking, screaming,
fighting, living and breathing.
Find support. Find help. But please realize that this is not the
latest trend in "hip" mental illnesses. It is real, and it is hell.
It's possible that you or someone you know may have something
very similar, so proceed with caution. And if you are a loved one
of someone who has this illness, the only thing that I can say to
you is be there. Don't try to understand it. because you never truly
can. I have found that only other manic-depressives possess a pure
comprehension of what it's like. However, don't turn your back.
Don't pretend that there's not a problem. You may receive benefits,
too. My husband says that my illness has actually taught him a few
things: patience and a deeper understanding of human nature in
general, and it has proven strength within himself that he never
knew he had.
loneliness is a killer, and as long as I know that someone is
out there for me. I think that maybe, just maybe. I'll be all right.
Blair S. Heaid
16th ANNUAL
MENTAL HEALTH BENEFIT
This year’s events are planned for Feb. 4-9, 2006.
The opening reception for the art auction will do at
Nutt’s Space (396 Oconee St.) on Saturday.' et, 4 at
6 p.m. The art will be up all week, and the a. 4 auc ion
will be held on Saturday. Feb. 11 at 6 p.m.
Flicker Theatre & Bar will host a film night on
Tuesday, Feb. 7, beginning at 8:00 p.m. The eve
ning features a collaborative film by the National
Mental Health Association and the History Channel
titled Lincoln. All proceeds from the art auction and
film night benefit the Mental Health Association of
Northeast Georgia.
The music events for this year's Mental Health
Benefit will include performances by Some Animal,
Hope For Agoldensummer, Heros Severum and Five
Eight at Null’s Space on Thursday. Feb. 9 at 9 p.m.
All proceeds from the show benefit Nug’s Space.
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