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Y « Tonight I am drink-
w • ing a wonderful
Tuscan wine, a 2001 Nottola Vino Nobile de Montepulciano Vigna
del Fattore. 2001 was an excellent year for red wines in Tuscany. To
accompany it, because one shouldn’t drink wine alone, I am having
a bruschetta with fresh chopped tomatoes and garlic with truffle
olive oil. I am listening to Cristian Cistro's CD Azul and thinking
about how much I love Latin American popular music.
I would also love to hear America's national anthem sung in
Spanish, but President Bush has decreed that we Americans not
sing our national anthem in any language other than English.
Damn. I guess he wants to
make sure that we Americans
do not go off the deep end
singing in Spanish and saying
“Hola" to each other. Some of
our Republican leaders want
to pass an English-Only law to
keep us truly American.
The English-Only law will
discourage us from using for
eign words. I can see now how
un-American it was for me to
say “bruschetta," an Italian
word (pronounced brus-keta),
which I learned about at a lo
cal Italian cafe. Bruschetta is
toasted bread with olive oil
and some sort of topping, such
as tomatoes and garlic or olive
pat£. Oh goodness! Instead of
pate, which is a French word,
I should have written "paste."
I'm having toast with olive paste. And I shouldn't
have said "caf§," another foreign word, jDios
mio! I am going to have to watch my tongue!
I wonder how our government will enforce the
English-Only law. I guess the National Security
Agency will monitor Americans' emails and tele
phone conversations to ensure that Americans do not communicate
in foreign languages to each other or to foreigners. The NSA will
have to employ thousands of people to monitor what we say, and
that is probably a very good thing. The thousands of new jobs will
make the economy soar. President Bush will have to transfer some
of the 133,000 American soldiers now stationed in Iraq into a
new National English-Only Enforcement Bureau, or rather National
English-Only Enforcement Office. Bureau is a French word. These
soldiers will be happy to leave the combat zone and I will be
happy to reduce the number of troops in Iraq.
In the new NE0E0 Building ir. Washington, NE0E0 agents will lis
ten to Americans’ telephone conversations and read Americans' email
24/7. Few of them will be able to understand anything we say that
is not in English, so they will simply report to local police that they
heard so-and-so say something they couldn't understand. The local
police will put the unpatriotic Americans in the hoosegow- oops, I
mean jail. 'Hoosegow" comes from the Spanish word “juzgado."
The purpose of the English-Only law must be to send foreign
ers back home where they can speak their own language so that
America can stay the way it has always been, English-speaking.
Spanish-speakers will all have to return to Latin America or Spain.
Swahili speakers will return to East Africa. Chinese speakers will
return to China. Vietnamese-speakers will return to Vietnam. Cajun
speakers will return to Louisiana. Americans will all speak happily
to each other in English.
Other countries will follow our example. Venezuela will pass
a Spanish-Only law. Germany will pass a German-Only law. North
Korea and South Korea will each pass a Korean-Only law.
If Iraq passes an Arab-Only law, and Afghanistan passes an
Afghani-Only law, then American soldiers, who are required to
speak English only, will have to come home. So will the generals.
The United States won't have military bases in any country that
enforces use of its own language.
Multi-national corporations, like Coca Cola and McDonald's,
whose executives speak English only, will close down in other
countries, and transnational financial networks will no longer be
transnational. CNN International will cease to be. CNN will report
only American news, like murders and unusual perversions.
Del Taco and La Fiesta will return to Mexico, since their menus
are full of Spanish words,
like chile relleno. Peppino's
Pizza will return to Italy.
Shoki Steak House and Sushi
Bar will return to Japan. No
more sushi, or Peking duck, or
Swiss cheese.
I suppose that German
Shepherds will return'to
Germany. Persian cats will re
turn to Persia. Siamese fight
ing fish will return to Siam.
And African Grey parrots will
return to the Congo. Oh, no!
I don't want to give up my
little dear!
In the one final planet
wide human migration, every
body will return to his or her
own fatherland, or at least
the land of his or her parents'
language.
I do have one big question: How will we
Americans get our oil if our military can't occupy
the Middle Ea t?
However, reduced access to oil is just the
downside of deglobalization. There is definitely
an upside. To the benefit of American workers,
American corporations will no longer export jobs to countries
where labor is cheap and English not allowed, nor will they import
products from countries where labor is cheap and English not al
lowed. At a time of rocketing transportation costs, we won't be
importing bananas from Ecuador, grapes from Chile, or fish from
Finland. Local farmers will appreciate consumers buying local pro
duce with English names, like lettuce, peaches and zucchini (oops.
I mean oblong green squash).
And if we Americans aren't allowed to speak English in Europe,
then we will stay home and enjoy our own cuisine—I mean,
cooked food.
Deglobalization may actually make the world more peaceful,
especially if we Americans are not involved in the lives of people
around the world who don't speak English.
I'll have to go back to California wines, but that's okay if by
doing so I can help bring about world peace. Tomorrow night, I'll
try a 2003 “Aisling" wine from Mat Garretson's winery. It is a cab,
and I'll bet it's just as good as the Vino Nobile di Montepulciano.
I'll have it with peanut butter on saltine crackers.
Betty Jean Craige
Betty Jean Craige is University Professor of Comparative
Literature and Director of the Willson Center for Humanities and Arts
at the University of Georgia. "Betty Dowdy ~ is a character she in
vented, an old lady wno writes in her diary on the state of the world
ct night over a glass of fine wine. Her website is www.arches.uga.
edu/%7Ebjcraige/dowdy.
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I wonder how our
government will enforce
the English-Only law.
$2 Bud, Bud Light, Mich Ultra
& Mich Ultra Amber
msDsnjmmMwaxsi
Milligan Acoustic
$3 Martini Madness
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80's Bash with The Mighty McFly
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That's What She Said
$3 Bombers
Live Music with The Revival
$5 LIT Pitchers
mzmiEOSE
Team Trivia Night sponsored by Budweiser!
rams?
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Buy a Dozen Wings.
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karaoke with Extreme Entertainment
$2 Domestic Bottles and $12 Buckets
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www.wildwlngcafe.com
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NEWS & FEATURES I ARTS & EVENTS I MOVIES I MUSIC I COMICS & ADVICE I .CLASSIFIEDS
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