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A Son Of The South
Takes On The Big Apple
“We’re never
going to live in New York,
are we?"
I had heard this question, in one form or another, many times
over the years. Before we met, Jennifer, a city girl from Miami, had
dreams of migrating to a great northeastern metropolis, with New
York City topping her wish list. Yet for reasons still unclear to ei
ther of us, she married me, a small-town Southerner whose lifelong
impressions of the outside world were shaped by movies and tele
vision. As such, the New York I knew wa* that of "Kojak," Escape
from New York and Ghostbusters—a dirty, depressing, crime-ridden
post-apocalyptic hellhole prone to attacks from giant marshmallow
men.
But being relatively young and moderately restless, I eventu
ally warmed to the idea of trading comfortable Southern living
for unpredictable New York times, and we took the plunge. For all
you would-bes, wannabes and
not-on-your-lifers, here are
some of the lessons learned so
far. As usual, truth has proven
stranger than fiction.
Learning
The Ropes
Since 1626, when Dutch
colonist Peter Minuit signed
an eternal lease with Lenape
natives in exchange for $24
worth of beads and trinkets.
New York has been a city of
renters. Because apartments
are so hard to come by—and
possibly because rents here
are pricier than mortgages
nearly everywhere else—most
New York renters behave like
homeowners. It is not uncom
mon for the average Gothamite
to invest in a top-to-bottom
renovation of a space she or
he will never own, then hunker
down like a Dutch settler.
For this reason, finding the
right apartment in the right
neighborhood is the most sig
nificant undertaking faced by
aspiring New Yorkers. It's also the most difficult. To get started,
one must become versed in housing iingo: pre-war, post-war, walk-
up. floor-through, co-op, cond-op, townhouse. crackhouse, rent
controlled, rent stabilized, pied-^-terre, Marquis de Sade.
Equally critical is mastering neighborhood geography: east side,
west side, lower east side, upper west side, downtown, uptown,
midtown, Chinatown, Koreatown, Washington Heights, Jackson
Heights, Greenpoint, Red Hook, Hell's Kitchen, Satan's Boudoir,
SoHo, NoHo, DUMBO, TriBeCa, NoLIta, Chelsea, Clinton.
Going For Broker
Not only are there racks of books dedicated to the subject,
the cutthroat New York housing market has spawned an industry
of folks whose job is to help you find that perfect closet to call
home. They're apartment brokers, and every morning they slink
from their subterranean lair to situate themselves between those
who own apartments and those who want to live in them. For a
mere couple grand or so, the right broker will listen carefully to
your needs before showing you whatever happens to be available
that particular day.
Ultimately, deciding whether to enlist the aid of a broker
depends on personal circumstance. If you have a lot of time, pa
tience and unfettered access to the Internet, it is entirely possible
to acquire a "No Fee" place on your own. If you have little time,
limited patience and unfettered access to shower facilities, a bro
ker might be the way to go.
Sacrificing The Virgins
It is impossible to pinpoint the exact moment when the idea
of shelling out $1700 a month for a 500-square-foot apartment
begins to seem not only sane, but reasonable. Like falling in love
and acute appendicitis, it just happens. Either go with it or seek
help immediately.
The virgin New York apartment hunter must also shed any
preconceived notions of what constitutes a normal living environ
ment, and be willing to forego that which has always been taken
for granted. For example: oven doors with enough clearance to
open; ovens which are in the
same room as the refrigerator,*
ovens; refrigerators; bedrooms
large enough to accommo
date a bed; bedrooms; beds;
windows that don't open onto
brick walls; buildings that
don't collapse as you sleep; *
landlords who wouldn't just
as soon kill you as honor the
terms of your lease; heat;
elevators; cabinets; closets.
To New Yorkers, these are all
nice-to-haves. And forget
about central air conditioning.
Only Trump and Stern rate such
extravagance.
Running The
Gauntlet
If you've ever applied for
a mortgage while being de
voured by fire ants, you have
some idea what it's like to
secure a New York apartment
once you've found one that
suits you.
The most important thing
to keep in mind is that time is
of the essence. If you cannot
produce cash or a certified check for the deposit and first month's
rent within 1.7 seconds of entering the place, you've probably lost
it to someone else.
The next most important thing to keep in mind is that unlike
in most cities, where basically any warm-blooded life form with
a decent credit history and a detectable pulse can score a rental,
landlords in New York are more selective. When you apply for a
New York apartment, you are actually applying. Like applying for a
job applying. To have a snowball's chance in Satan's Boudoir you
must come equipped with copies of your drivers license, Social
Security card, bank statements, pay stubs, a letter of employment,
tax returns and, ideally, ihe results of your latest colonoscopy. If
you haven't had a colonoscopy lately, most management firms are
happy to perform one for you—payable in advance, beads and
trinkets not accepted.
To Be Continued...
Still to come: bedbugs, stray bullets, electric sidewalks and
Angry Bank Guy.
Brad Aaron
Brad Aaron, former executive editor of Flagpole, lives in a rent-stabilized
pre-war one-bedroom with kitchen cabinets, closets and partial views, on the
island of Manhattan.
E. Clayton St • 706-353-0000
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