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MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
For the first time, I am enjoying the single
life. Being able to be alone without being lonely
is great—then I met a girl that screwed that up
for me. The last time I connected with someone
so amazing, I got a lifelong friend and became
the godfather of her baby. I guess it
figures tuat such a great person
would already be taken. I read
your column all the time,
so I know this is probably
the most frequent subject.
I know she likes me more
than the average friend, but
it could just be a crush that
never amounts to any
thing. To make things
even more complicated,
the two of us are com
plete opposites. Our only
similarity is our taste in
music.
She's got an older boy
friend she met as a freshman
and now he's graduated and
no longer lives here. I'm sure that he's about
to buy a diamond ring, so the clock is ticking. I
don't think the girl reclly knows what she wants,
but without any competition, she might take the
dive. I know you've said in other situations not
to be a homewrecker. I don't really mind if I am,
though. I've had my homewrecked before, once by
a good friend. I know how it feels and I survived.
I am still friends with that good friend (there was
a brief hiatus). As long as she doesn't cheat on
him, I don't see anything wrong with going after
what you want. Life's too short not to. I might
jeopardize a great friendship by telling her how I
feel, but I would regret doing nothing at all and
missing my chance. I know that opposites attract,
but do you think opposites can last? If two people
are meant to be, do I even need to say anything
or will it just happen? Finally, are there any good
girls out there that aren't already taken?
Hopeless Romantic (Maybe Just Hopeless)
Ever heard of James Carville? Mary Matalin?
Look 'em up. They are perhaps the most famous
example of opposites
that I can think of who
have lasted. As far as
the whole "meant to be"
thing goes, you're asking
the wrong person. I left
my Tarot cards behind
the last time I moved.
Look, you've already said .
that you don't really care
if you lose the friendship
over this, and you have
no regard for her current
relationship or her cur
rent boyfriend. So what
the hell are you waiting
for? Are you looking for
a thumbs up from some
body else so you don't
have to take the blame if
you screw up? Well, tell
her already! You obvi
ously don't care about
the consequences, so you
have absolutely nothing
to lose.
My ex-boyfriend of a year and half broke up
with me a year and half ago. I've dated several
guys since then, but they all irritate me. Every
time any guy does or says anything, I think,
"Hmm, [my ex] wouldn't have done that." We've
only spoken a handful of times since we broke up
and he's made it hurtfully clear he's over it. I'm
clearly not and don't know what to do! How does
"getting over" someone happen and how can I
expedite this shit?
Anonymous
Be thankful that your ex is making it clear
that he's over it, because you sound like a po
tential victim of the old "friends with benefits"
scam, in which one person remains emotionally
attached to a former significant other while said
significant other continues to screw them with
great gusto and no emotional attachment
until they find a new partner. There is no
magic equation for "getting over" a
relationship. Dating other people
is a good start, but it doesn't
always work. I've found that
time is the only thing that
really helps. That and meet
ing the next person you fall
in love with. It isn't easy,
and it sucks in the process,
but nothing makes you forget
a past relationship like the next
big thing.
I read with great interest
the recent letter to the editor
by one Kris Langley, which ad
monished shitty tippers. It prompted a discussion
amongst several friends of mine, a few of which
are in the service industry. After a long and hilari
ous debate, the consensus was that bad tipper =
bad lay. What do you think?
Big Tipper
Aside from the fact that bad tipping is shitty,
unfair, and just plain bad form, I think you and
your friends have hit on something that could
save a lot of people from crappy sex. Think about
it this way: A person who is selfish with their
money is probably selfish in other areas as well.
Do you think a person who leaves 10 percent on
their credit card for a good waiter is going to
give reciprocal oral sex to a good date? I would
say that it's highly unlikely, because said bad
tipper is not a very giving person. On the other
hand, when a guy (or girl, I'm not differentiating
by sex) drops the bartender five bucks on two
drinks, it indicates a generosity and an eagerness
to please that, if translated into the bedroom,
could spell multiple orgasms. I'm not saying that
this is always going to
be the case, but it is
an intriguing thought.
Obviously, I can't be
absolutely certain be
cause I would never,
ever knowingly have sex
with someone who left
a shitty tip, but I would
very much appreciate
your thoughts on this
issue, dear readers. Can
a Hummer driver realisti
cally be expected to give
good head? Did one of
•these people ever actu
ally get you off? Have
you ever been so turned
on by the way a woman
returned her meal to the
kitchen seven times and
then left a quarter on
the table that you tock
her home and made pas
sionate love on the front
• lawn? Have you ever walked out of a restaurant
because you were so embarrassed by the behav
ior of the person you were sitting with? Have you
ever dropped a bad date for a good waiter/ wait
ress/ bartender? Tell me I'm right, tell me I'm
wrong, but please do tell me. And while you're
at it, Google search the phrase "bad tipper" just
for laughs.
Jyl Inov
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