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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
I just wanted to thank everyone who contribut
ed to the advice given the week of Aug. 22 for the
newcomers to Athens. I would have appreciated
reading such advice when I first arrived. I hope
the new students take it to heart. Cheers!
Reminiscent Alum
Thanks, RA. I'm sure they
all appreciate it. All of them
except for Paul and Jack,
anyway, because I didn't
use their stuff for that par
ticular column. And since
they went to the trouble,
they should be heard.
Here's what they had
to say:
Paul Black, sometime
writer, former bartender,
and all-around smart-ass:
"Practice looking BEFORE
you step out onto the street.
I know you're pretty, but that
doesn't stop the physics that happen when a
one-ton vehicle runs into your hip at 25 mph. I
know it would strengthen the species, but think
of your parents and how much they've invested
in you.
"If you become a recognizable regular at a
bar, don't go into that bar to celebrate your 21st
birthday."
Jack Inov, advice columnist stanQ-in and ex
traordinary sibling:
"Ladies, it's okay to be experimental in col
lege. Hell, that's what college is for. But don't go
around drunkenly making out with, feeling up,
and having sex with every willing sorority sister
and then have the nerve to call real lesbians
'damned dykes' I've seen it happen, and not only
are you a giant hypocrite, you are likely going to
get a well-deserved ass-kicking. If you're going
to open your legs, you should really try open
your mind as well.
"I know somebody already said this, but it
bears repeating. Be careful about your drug and
alcohol consumption. Know what you are doing
and how much you can handle. And think about
how much and how often you drink. Habits are
formed during these crucial social years, and 'pre
gaming' when you're 40 is less
festive and more furtive. It's
called 'vodka for breakfast,'
and it makes having kids,
a job, and/or a life very',
very difficult.
"Put down your cell
phone for a minute. It
will seriously help your
driving skills and your
social skills. Say good
bye to your best friend
from high school (you
can call her back when
you get done watching
The O.C.' reruns) and
actually treat the person
who is waiting on you like a human being. You
know: speak to them, smile, make eye contact.
You will be amazed at how easy it is to function
without that thing attached to your head. And
you will be a bettei person for it."
Solid advice. I hope at least a few people
take heed.
I am in my mid-twenties, and despite desper
ately wanting a serious, romantic relationship,
I haven't thus far been able to establish one. I
recently went out on a couple of very nice dates
with a young lady also in her mid-twenties.
According to what she's told me, it was her first
experience going out with anyone, and truthfully,
it was not far off from being mine as well.
After our second date, I walked her to her door,
and I kissed her. She responded at the moment,
so I felt that that was what she wanted me to do.
I realized shortly thereafter that maybe it wasn't
what she wanted me to do, or maybe not what she
expected right then. The week following, as we
were planning to spend the evening watch
ing television, she abruptly decided that
we should just do it as friends. I know
what that's the code word for.
I see how perhaps two dates
was too soon for her to deal
with how strongly I became
attached, especially consider
ing that she hadn't dated
anyone before. But to have
gone from so happy, thinking I
had finally made a romantic con
nection, to suddenly having her
withdraw hurt me more deeply
than I imagined it would.
In similar situations in the
past, the only method I had
available of protecting myself
from that pain was to withdraw from the situa
tion entirely, to eject the girl from my life. I was
prepared to do it again, but a desire not to keep
repeating the same mistake and a desire not to
lose everything about a sweet girl made me decide
to apologize for putting so much onto her and
that I would try to be friends with her.
For not wanting to repeat the same mistake,
though, I'm still in a position to have the exact
same thing happen again. We've visited each other
and been out a few more times, as friends, and
it's been enjoyable. Having her company is really
nice for me. But, there's tension there that I know
is going to cause harm. See, even thnugh I spend
time with her as a friend, my heart still wants
that romantic connection that I wanted from the
start. I hold those emotions inside and try to keep
them chained down, so I don’t put too much on
her again. If I started out by wanting to move
too fast, then I'm perfectly happy to slow down
as long as I need to. But if months from now, or
even years from now, if she were to still decide
that she doesn't wont a romantic relationship,
then I'd be hurt like I was before all over again.
I don't know if it would be best if I told her
what I'm feeling now and risk overwhelming her
again, or if I ought to try and keep things under
wraps and see if maybe things
might get better between us
on their own. Should I even
expect anything positive
out of this situation?
Heart on a Leash
The only way that
anything positive is go
ing to happen is if you
are actually able to slow
down emotionally, rather
than just pretending
to. I can't say for sure
why she reacted the
way she did about the
kiss. Maybe you were
moving too fast, but maybe she just doesn't like
you that way. Will she ever? Hard to say, but best
to assume not. In the meantime, you shouldn't
put her in the "maybe someday" category, and
be happy with her in the "friends" category Be
honest with yourself. If you really can't do that,
then you should end your friendship so you aren't
torturing yourself. And seek professional help.
If you were so emotionally wrapped up after two
dates that you had to consider cutting your ties
completely in order to protect yourself from emo
tional pain, then you need to figure out why.
Jyl Inov
Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry via
the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.
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