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MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
I'm a graduate student in a committed, happy
relationship. My girlfriend and I live together and
she is great: positive, beautiful, smart and a lot
of fun. The problem isn't necessarily with our re
lationship, you see. She dropped out of college a
while ago and is working at a typical
part-time job. Lately, she has been
growing more and more unhap
py, feeling like she doesn't
know what to do with her
life. She feels worthless,
unmotivated and like a "no
body. " She is considering
getting back into school,
but doesn't see the point
because she has no idea
what she wants to do
with a degree if she were
to get one. Basically, she
feels like she's wasted all
of her potential. I hate
to see her feeling like this
and I also feel completely
powerless.
I'm also confused about how and/ or why I
attract this type of woman. I've been in three
relationships that lasted over a year, and each of
these women have felt similarly lost, confused,
unambitious and unmotivated. Each time, their
unhappiness associated with this got them so
down that they became un
able to continue to invest
in our relationship, and
it wound up breaking us
apart. I desperately don't
want this to happen in
my current relationship.
I'm looking for a little
advice and also some
answers as to why I
seem to be a mag
net for this type of
woman. I don't think
it's that I seek them
out; in fact, I'm attracted
to driven, career-oriented
women in general. Is there
something I'm doing to cause or
exacerbate this? Jyl, I could use
some wisdom.
Concerned Boyfriend
Tell your lady I said, "Welcome
to the Club!"
I would caution you against as
suming that just because somebody
works a crappy job that they are
unambitious. In my experience,
having too much ambition can be
just as paralyzing as not having
enough. Having a wide variety of
interests makes it difficult to decide
which one to pursue. You should
encourage her to try to figure out
what she is most interested in and
best at. There are tests you can take
(I'll bet you can find them online) that tell you
what type of work you are best suited for based
on your answers to a simple questionnaire. Also,
taking a class in something, volunteering or
finding an internship is a good way to see if you
might be suited for a career without investing a
lot of time and money.
Why you attract this "type of woman" is
likely your age. It used to be that a girl gradu
ated from high school, got married and had kids.
Happy (or "Happy") housewife. End of story.
Then women started going to college. Some of
them had a career and kids, but some still chose
to be stay-at-home moms. Now that women can
do basically anything from stripping to fighting
fires to waiting tables or working in a lab, there
is quite a bit more room for existential angst.
The general feeling of rudderlessness tends to
happen in the twenties and early thirties, and I
would guess that this is why you have repeatedly
dated women in this situation. Also, you live in a
college town, and lots of people get into college
and discover that either a) they can't hack it; or
b) they don't want to, because they have no idea
what they want to do and they realize that get
ting a random degree is a gigantic waste of
time and money.
I’m a gay girl who is falling for
a straight girl. Now, before
you tell me to turn the other
cheek, here is why I need
your help: this “straight" girl
doesn't act so straight when
she and I are alone together.
She constantly tells me that
there isn’t a chance for her to
become gay or have a one-time
lesbian experience, yet when
we are alone, she strays away
from her claim! We share a
lot of the same friends, and
with her acting the way that
she does, they get the impression that I am some
lovesick lesbo going after the wrong person. What
they don't see is that she constantly flirts with
me and she treats me how she would treat her
boyfriend (if she even had one). A few friends
have already caught onto the sexual tension that
exists between the two of us, but they think it is
because this girl is just lapping up all the atten
tion and flattery she gets from me. We spend a
lot of time together and she has even told me
that if I weren't a girl. I'd be the perfect kind
of guy for her. A part of me feels like if I
am just patient, maybe that moment
will eventually happen between us
or maybe I am so fixated on a
fantasy that I can’t see how
cruel she is actually being
to me. At the same time,
we spend a lot of time
together and we actu
ally do have a great
time when we are
in each other's
company. She
tells me there is
no point in hit
ting on her or flirting
with her because she
isn't going to "budge,"
but then she constantly initiates flirting
with me! What should I do and what do
I need to say to this girl?
Anonymous
I don't know what your definition of
"flirting" is Anon, but the girl-has made
it very clear (at least verbally) that
she is not going to date you, or even
sleep with you, so you have to get
over it. I'm not saying that she isn't
playing games with you, because I
don't know that. You haven't given
me enough information to decide that either
way. I'm just saying that you shouldn't partici
pate. I suspect from her remarks (You'd be "the
perfect kind of guy" for her? Please!) that she is
enjoying the attention, and in a perfect world
you would simply walk away from this situation
before it gets any worse. I would say the same
thing if you were a lovesick straight boy (or girl).
But knowing human nature the way I do, I can
only suggest that you shift your focus to a more
attainable girl, and try to at least pretend that
you are moving on. Maybe your "friend" will stop
acting the way she does with you if she stops
achieving the desired effect.
Jyl Inov
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