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Law and Order in... 2008?
hen climate starts withholding what was once ours, the
routine things we're accustomed to doing become increas
ingly criminal. So it goes with our drought, and in an
attempt to beat gritty reality to the punch, I've compiled
some water-related police reports that, a few months from now,
may not seem so farcical.
(Editor’s note: Any resemblance herein to real persons or to the names ot real
persons is entirely unintentional.)
GOOD-SMELLING ATHENS WOMAN STALKED, HARASSED An Eastside woman
told police she was harassed by a man at a supermarket late
Tuesday afternoon. After passing the woman several times in two
different aisles of the store, the man asked the woman how she
could smell so good. When the woman didn't answer, he became
more insistent, demanding to know how many baths she had taken
that week. The woman abandoned her cart—which police say con
tained bottled water and several bars of soap—and walked to her
car. As she drove away, she saw the man exit the store and shake
his fist at her. Police are looking for an unkempt, greasy-haired
man wearing a stained shirt last seen on College Station Road.
COUPLE WINS “BEST YARD” AWARD, ARRESTED A westside couple was
awarded a certificate Saturday for having Kingswood subdivision's
best-looking yard and was subsequently taken into custody by
Athens-Clarke County police. Kingswood, located near Timothy
Road and the Atlanta Highway, gives an award each April to the
household with the most colorful, lush and striking yard. The panel
of 10 residents judged 14 different yards and finally chose the
property of a retired couple whose "gift for juxtaposing colors and
allowing natural beauty to shine through, yet not at the expense
of order and grace" outshone the other contestants'. John and
Sarah Jones, both 68, were charged with premeditated gardening
and released on $50,000 bail.
OUTHOUSE FOUND TO HAVE INDOOR AMENITIES An Oconee County man
was booked into jail after police discovered his outhouse had
indoor plumbing. Neighbors alerted police to the suspected offense
after they reported hearing flushing sounds coming from the
structure. After inspecting the toilet inside, and finding a water
line feeding it, police charged Neal Swartley, 38, with flushing and
failure to compost feces.
UGA SWIM COACH CITED FOR PUBLIC DISTURBANCE The University of
Georgia's synchronized swimming coach was charged with disturb
ing the peace after he threw a beer bottle through a local tavern's
plate glass window. Bartenders at the Georgia Bar on West Clayton
Street said a man entered at 4:15 p.m., ordered a beer and soon
after became agitated. When an employee attempted to calm
him down, the man shouted that it was impossible for his team
to compete with "schools that are allowed to have pools." Upon
being told to quiet down, the man lay on the bar and began mut
tering unintelligibly. When the employee told him he was sorry
about the "water ballet team," but that he needed to get off the
bar, the man sat up and threw his bottle through the window. It
was the fifth time this month the tavern's window needed replac
ing, breaking the previous record of four set last month. Richard
Burrows, 41, was booked into Athens-Clarke County jail and
released on his own recognizance.
MAN CAUGHT LURKING BfcHlND RESIDENCE A Whitehall-area woman told
police a man was looking through her window yesterday evening
from a wooded area behind her house. The woman told the officers
she recognized the man as her next-door neighbor. When police
knocked on his door, he told them he had been evacuating his
bowels in what he thought was a secluded spot. Telling the offi
cers he was complying with water-rationing laws and urging them
to check for his mound of feces, the man became increasingly '
insistent until pepper spray was needed to subdue him. Martin
Ridley, 44, was taken to Athens-Clarke County jail and charged
with Pooping Tom.
MAN REPORTS WATER-RESTRICTION VIOLATOR An area vagabond told
police he saw a North Athens woman take a lengthy shower last
night, and fail to turn off the water while soaping her breasts,
thighs and buttocks. Kenny Walters, no address, told police the
woman stood in the shower stall with the water running for
"upwards of 15 minutes, not conserving at all." In accordance with
the Good Water-Neighbor Act, police arrested Carley Smith, 20,
and booked her into Athens-Clarke County jail without bond. Also
* in keeping with the Act, Walters was awarded a key to the city by
Mayor Heidi Davison in a ceremony at City Hall late last night.
Greg Benson
tailgate Olympics
karaoke night
dawgtown ramblers
auburn @ UGA
sabo & the scorchers
312 E. Washington Street
706-227-WING (9464)
wildwingcafe.com
r -£Cj'<G\r\ rHEAT*
www.georgiatheatre.com v
215 North Lumpkin St. • Athens, GA
706-549-9918 • 18 & over / ID reqd.
O WED, NOVEMBER 14th
SLIGHTLY STOOPID
FISHBONE
THE SUPERVILLAINS I "
NEWS & FEATURES I CALENDAR I MOVIES I A&E I MUSIC I COMICS & ADVICE I CLASSIFIEDS
NOVEMBER 7,2007 • FLAGP0LE.COM 47
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