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A DECLARATION OF WAR
From: Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, Justice And The American Way
To: Members
Okay, guys: time to get back in the water. The 'Cratheads are
beginning to make waves, and that's our signal to crank the
Rolls and head for the fight. Everybody send in a million: we'll
get back to you for the rest when we get a budget firmed up.
We can't rest on our laurels, but let's briefly review our tac
tics that destroyed the traitor Kerry last time: political jiujitsu.
We had the audacity to take his strength and turn it against
him. His campaign portrayed him as the triple Purple Heart
decorated skipper of a swift boat on the Mekong in Vietnam.
Since we had the money and the brass balls to get our message
out there, we were able to cast doubt on whether he was a
military hero at all. In fact, by the end of the campaign, a lot
of the voters were confusing Kerry's record with our guy's. We
did our job so well that a lot of people thought Kerry was the
one who pulled strings to stay out of the war. And the press
bought it! It was a brilliant campaign, and we've had many
a laugh remembering it. However, that was then. We've got a
whole new ball game this time, but our central tactic will work
just fine again: turn their strengths against them.
OBAMA. The biggest thing he's got going for him is
his claim to be African-American. If he's not, he's a dime a
dozen. So, what do we do? Simple. We cast doubt on whether
he really is African-American. Here's the approach. Obama is
not African-American: he's African. Africans are not African-
American. They're foreigners. They're okay in their place, but
nobody wants a foreigner as President of these United States.
And, to the extent that Obama is American, well, who isn't?
Got it? If he's not African-American, he's not special. In fact,
as an African, he's un-American. This is so much fun it's a
shame we can only do it every four years. Obama, the first seri
ous African-American candidate for president not only turns
out to be not an African-American, he's not even an American;
he's an alien. If he's only posing as an American, then he's a
terrorist, because that': what they do. The 'Cratheads are trying
to elect a member of Al Qaeda as president. Got it, boys? Crank
it. And don't forget his middle name.
HILLARY. The first serious woman candidate for president.
If she weren't a woman, she'd be indistinguishable from every
other left-wing Democrat candidate. Guess what? Hillary is
not a woman. You heard it here first. Explains a lot, doesn't
it—Bill's behavior, and all. Think about it: no woman could
be that tightly controlled and unemotional. The simple truth
is that Hillary Clinton is a man. Always has been. She's been
trading on the woman thing all her life. Got her into Yale. Got
her married to a governor. Got her into the White House. Would
she have ever got there on her own? This one's easy, guys. We
don't have to put her down because she's a woman, because
she's not. She's just another Democrat pol on the make, doing
whatever it takes to get elected. She's got balls, but she
doesn't know who she's dealing with. The Swift Boaters are not
afraid to tell the truth, even if it's a lie. Make her deny it. The
more she tries, the more people will begin to suspect she really
is a man. Nobody wants a transvestite in the White House.
Let's go! Get Rush cranked.
EDWARDS. What can we say? A billionaire ambulance
chaser posing as a friend of the little guy. The $2 million
home? The $400 haircut? Where do we start? The only thing
he's really got going for him is that he's from the South. But is
he? He was a Senator from North Carolina. North Carolina is not
the South. North Carolina is the mountains, it's the Research
Triangle. It doesn't have good football. John Edwards is no
more from the South than Dennis Kucinich, except you can
spell his name. Go get that Yankee!
BIDEN and DODD. They're already out. All it took for
Biden was an email from us bringing up the matter of his hair
transplant. Dodd bailed when somebody leaked it that we were
going to claim he's really a Republican.
RICHARDSON and KUCINICH? Save your powder. They
can't even get launched.
Okay, that'll do it for now. The campaign is just getting
started. Get your money in, and we'll ship. It's going to be a
good war. Let's just hope the liberals don't try to put a fleet
of their own into the water. Rudy & Mitt & Huck & them would
make some mighty fine targets.
Pete McCommons editor@flagpole.com
THIS WEEK’S ISSUE:
NEWS & FEATURES
City Pages 5
Local News & Politics
ACC Commission on the State Water Plan; Nakamshi Keeps Promises; Expansion of the Landfill.
The Cop in the Stall is King 7
Civil Liberties in One of 2007’s Most Memorable
Political Tales: The Larry Craig Case
UGA law professor Donald E. Wilkes, Jr. looks back at the Larry Craig bathroom arrest saga.
ARTS & EVENTS
A Look At Last Year’s Movies 25
2007: At Least It Was Better than 2006
Flagpoles resident movie critic gives us the rundown on the best and worst.
Grub Notes 27
2007 Food & Drink Wrap-Up
The ups and downs in the Athens restaurant and bar scene over the last year...
MUSIC
Purgatory Line 28
Patterson Hood Opens Up
Brighter Than Creation’s Dark is the sprawling new album, and the
Drive-By Truckers’ last with longtime label New West Records.
Like A Freewheeling Stone 31
Yo La Tengo Loosens Up And Quiets Down, And Maybe Athens Will, Too
The indie-rock stalwarts in Yo La Tengo return to town with no set list
and open their show up to audience interaction.
CITY DOPE
4
MOVIE PICK
24
CITY PAGES
5
YEAR IN MOVIES
25
CAPITOL IMPACT
6
GRUB NOTES
27
COP IN THE BATHROOM
7
PATTERSON HOOD..-
28
CLASSIC CITY ROLLERGIRLS
....10
YO LA TENGO .../
31
THE CALENDAR!
....11
THREATS & PROMISES ....
33
DOWN THE LINE
....16
COMICS
34
BULLETIN BOARD
....17
REALITY CHECK
35
MOVIE DOPE
.... 22
CLASSIFIEDS
,...36
COVER DESIGN by Kelly Ruberto
featuring a photograph of
Drive-By-Trucker Patterson Hood
EDITOR & PUBLISHER Pete McCommons
ADVERTISING DIRECTOR l PUBLISHER Alicia .uckles
PRODUCTION DIRECTOR Larry Tenner
MANAGING EDITOR Margaret Moore
ADVERTISING SALES Anita Aubrey. Melinda Edwards, Jessica Pritchard
MUSIC EDITOR Chris Hassiotis
CITY EDITOR Ben Emanuel
CLASSIFIEDS, DISTRIBUTION & OFFICE MANAGER Paul Karjian
AD DESIGNERS Ian Rickert, Kelly Ruberto
ILLUSTRATOR David Mack
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Josh Nickerson
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WRITERS Hillary Brown, Jennifer Bryant, Tom Crawford, Nicole Haysler, John Huie, Jyl Inov, Gordon Lamb,
Garrett Martin, John Seay, Michael Wehunt, Drew Wheeler, Donald E. Wilkes, Jr.
CIRCULATION Charles Greenleaf, Jimmy Courson, Justin Courson, Alex Moore, Lena Trotochaud, Alex White
WEB DESIGNER Ian Rickert
ADVERTISING ASSISTANT Nicole Haysler
ADVERTISING INTERN Katherine Johnston
MUSIC INTERN Scott Reid
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VOLUME 22
ISSUE NUMBER 1
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NEWS & FEATURES-1 CALENDAR I MOVIES I A&E I MUSIC I COMICS & ADVICE I CLASSIFIEDS JANUARY 9,2008 FLAGPOLE.COM 3