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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
While out in downtown Athens this past
weekend, I ran into three girls whom I used
to dote in the same bar. I'm not on speaking
terms with two of these girls, and while both
of these relationships ended for not too terrible
reasons and included the common "I hope we
con still be friends," the truth is that neither I
nor they won't grow a pair (the technical term
for being brave) and just go initi
ate conversation and begin the
path back towards friend
ship. I want to ask what
women think of their ex
trying to be friends after
a relationship? One rea
son I haven't broken the
ice and started conversa
tion with an ex is that
I think I may come
off as either cocky or
desperate, or will just
make a fool of myself,
when in reality I would
just like for a trip to the
bar to not be awkward. I’m
not trying to get back with
these girls, or show them how much of a good
time I'm having being single... any sugges
tions? Or is it just a case-by-case thing?
Sincerely,
A Dude
Dude, thanks so much for explaining what
"growing a pair" means. I really do appreci
ate it. If you have any other technical terms
you'd like to translate, feel free. I am just a
girl, after all. As for your exes, just be normal.
Don't ignore them, but don't hang on them
either. Say "hi" if you get close to them and
move on like you would anybody else. The
more you make a big deal out of it, the more
they will.
A few difficult months after my ex-girlfriend
left me, I decided to leave Athens for my sake
end for hers. We hadn't spoken much since the
break up and when we did it was unpleasant to
say the least. Maybe I wanted some attention,
but I deeded to inform her of my departure.
Surprisingly, we had a final tryst and I left. I
thought our meeting held some intrinsic rec
onciliation. I didn't expect us to reunite (I've
moved across the country), but I did think we
could converse amicably, civilly and fondly.
Apparently that's not the case. I keep break
ing my self-imposed rule of no communication
knowing the attempts are futile. I'm hung up
on her and our memories from a distance. The
silence between us is challenging me to accept
the most feared ideas of her activities. The
silence and the assumptions are the worst.
I don't mean to say that my world has
halted and crashed; I'm doing quite well in
other aspects of my life. I was hesitant to write
this because most of the time I have a good
grasp on my thoughts. I've even tried dat
ing new women, but I've found them horribly
insipid. I guess my questions are: Can anyone
else identify with me? How can I stop thinking
about her without falling in love with someone
else? Do I really have to trash anything that
reminds me of her to get over this? Should I
even be looking for a new relationship now any
way? What am I supposed to do?
pain will let up. Can anyone relate to you? I
don't know, but I suspect you're not nearly as
"out there" as you think you are. You shouldn't
be looking for another relationship right now.
That would be a rebound, and it would likely
not be good. Spend some time alone, explore
your new hometown, and try to occupy your
self with something other than imagining who
your ex is with now. Easier said than done?
Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. Do you have
to trash everything that reminds
you of her? I don't know you well
enough to answer that, but it
might be cathartic. Maybe
you can start by putting
those things in a box some
where and not opening it for
at least a year. This shit isn't
easy, but most everybody
goes through it. Eventually it
will get easier.
I am a regular reader of
your column, and typically,
I find your remarks witty
and insightful. However, you
made a comment in your response to "Sick of
You Already" that was completely offensive.
Using the word “retards" to describe people
who are socially inept is offensive and degrad
ing to people who have developmental disabili
ties. In the future, I hope that you will choose
your words more carefully, rather than perpetu
ate the use of this offensive term. Thanks.
I appreciate your insight, oh, anonymous
one, but I Google-searched the phrase "social
retard" and you know what? One of the first
things that came up was an article about the
effects of home schooling on children—and
whether or not it retards their social skills.
So just for you, my anonymous and easily
offended politically correct friend, I will now
refer to social retards as "the home schooled."
Is that good enough for you?
One: I think you are unfair in a heartless
sort of way in most of your responses lately.
It's like you don't believe in love at all. Just
had to put that out there. Two: I wrote to
you last year one night when I was frustrated
about this guy I had previously dated. My entry
wasn't completely honest or true; basically I
was pissed and hoped that my published ques
tion would "get to" the guy. It worked. You
called me immature then, and I'm sure you
would call me immature now. I'm not. I'm just
creative in my shit-talking, which is something
lots of people, including grown-ups, do. I see
this guy around every now and then and it's
usually awkward; actually it's always awkward,
and I always want to apologize. I am over the
harsh feelings and would like to be friends-in-
passing. Or should I just let it go? I just hate
having that negativity out there, you know?
MC
One: no, you didn't have to put that out
there. But you chose to anyway. Two: when I
called you immature, I left out stupid, self-
congratulatory and home-schooled. And you
wonder why I'm so freaking negative. Let the
guy go, Mensa Candidate. He let you go a long
time ago.
Get. Over. It. It's called breakup sex, and
you had it, and it was good. Now you have to
stop. That's all. Just stop calling her, suffer,
meet new people, suffer, and eventually the
Jyl Inov
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