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MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
So, I was dating this girl and we just
recently broke up. She's a bit older than me,
but her life is refined. Mine is not. She’s got a
great job, great house, in short—she's doing
well. I’m 26 and finishing school. Anyway, I
believe we broke up for these reasons, being
that she wouldn't get close because of this time
in my life. My question to you is: if this has
already happened to me with a girl
a couple years older than me
who’s established, am I
going to be going through
this until I'm secure in
my future?
Thanks.
Puzzled
Not necessarily, P.
Not every woman who
is refined and estab
lished necessarily
needs or wants those
things in a partner.
Plenty of professional
women are willing to open
their hearts (and their
refrigerators, and their tastefully decorated
homes) to a guy with little or no financial
security. Life is a process, and most people
understand that at 26 (and in the process of
finishing school), you can hardly be expected
to know who you are and what you want,
much less a matching sofa and loveseat. And
there are plenty of
women who, like you,
are in the process of
getting established.
And, let's face it, some
people never get their
shit together at all,
and they sit around and
play guitar and video
games and find love
anyway (you know who
you are), or at least a
woman who will toler
ate their ass. There
really is no telling, and
you probably shouldn't
analyze it too much.
You two broke up, and
you need to move on.
Things will get better.
I love a man that I
think loves me, but he
only shows affection
when he wants to, and I can't read him at all.
How do I know if he loves me for real?
Is this your man, or a man? If he's your
man, at least that's a start. If you can't read
him, you need to start asking questions and
having real conversations. The man is not a
book to be read, he is a person to be known.
Yes, there are subtle clues like body language
and eye contact and all that, but you're not an
FBI profiler, you're his partner (I'm assuming).
Don't corner him, or throw a whiny "we never
really talk" at him, either. Just start opening
up a little. Tell him things about yourself. Ask
him things—about himself, his family, his
feelings. But not like a quiz show. That will
(justifiably) only freak him out. Not saying "I
love you" doesn't mean a lack of real love any
more than merely speaking the words proves
the existence of it. If you can't communicate,
you can't have a relationship, no matter how
much you love each other. So work on that.
I love my husband very much. We share
everything. We never fight. We have great sex.
We do nice things for each other. I have a per
fect marriage, except for one thing. Recently, I
have had major insomnia. I have always been
a light sleeper, mind you, but lately it has
been so bad that I have tried over the counter
sleeping pills, therapy and finally, prescription
medication. It works most of the time. But the
thing is, my husband gets into bed and
falls asleep immediately, every night,
without fail. And soon after, he
starts snoring, and it invariably
keeps me awake. The thing is,
I don't want to be mean, but
I sort of resent him for it. I
know it isn’t rational, but it
is very difficult to be ratio
nal when you don't get any
sleep. I am afraid I am going
to go crazy soon.
What can I do?
Sleepless
Have you tried going
to bed before him? It may
seem simplistic, but if you take your meds and
climb in, and ask him to wait half an hour
before coming to bed, it might help. Unless,
of course, his snoring actually wakes you up,
in which case you will only be more frustrated.
Do you have a guest room? Is your couch com
fortable? Have you tried sleeping separately?
It may sound crazy, but
separate beds are cur
rently all the rage. And
if you work it properly,
it doesn't have to kill
your sex life, or the
closeness you feel when
you snuggle, or any of
that. I recommend it
if you have the space.
Buy some really nice
sheets, get a comfy
pillow or two, try some
aromatherapy candles—
whatever. Make that
space your own, and
make it a place where
you can truly relax.
Bring this up to your
husband as a practical
answer to your prob
lem. It may seem weird
to him (and to you, for
that matter) at first,
but I'm sure if you are able to get some sleep
you will be more sane and you'll both be more
happy. Other things I suggest are white noise
(a fan works great for me), earplugs and books
on tape (on your headphones, if you have to
drown out the snoring). Good luck.
Hey, I think that you're straight forward,
don't-give-a-shit attitude is priceless. I enjoy
reading Reality Check and your anonymous
friend must be a home-school kid, why else
would he get offended so easily?
Anyway, I just wanted to compliment you on
running a bitchin' advice column.
Your New Favorite Kid
Aw, shucks. Thanks, YFNK.
Jyl Inov
Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry
via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.
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