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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
I have a very good friend who I have known
for several years. Her birthday is coming up. I
know this because she brings it up at least once
every few days for a month or two beforehand.
There is. of course, a big to-do planned,
even though we are well into our 20s. and I
don't see why every birthday has to be such
a big deni She has invited a sizable group
of people to dinner. Her birthday falls on a
Tuesday, which is wholly inconvenient for every
one else, and I tried to tell her as much, but
she won't hear it. 1 know damned
well that half of her "friends"
won't be there, not that
I blame them, and she
wilt inevitably be disap
pointed. (Can you tell I
have been through this
before ? )
Also, she will expect
those of us who are
there to pick up the
tab for her meal,
which isn't a big deal,
but it would be even
less of a deal if we
could alt go on Friday.
Saturday or Sunday. The
thing is, ! know her other
friends, but I am not their friend. We alt know
each other only through this girl, so I have no
one else to talk to about this.
Okay, so now I have a huge problem; 1 am
starting a new job that day. ! will not be able
to make it, even though I agreed a month ago
to be there for her dinner. I have no idea hovv
to tell her because it is going to be a big deal
no matter what. I know she is going to be
really upset, and I don't want to deal with it. I
am one of the few peo-
Oit who consistently
Peals wdh he> through
’>■<(k and th>n. and no
leave room for her to get manipulative on your
ass. Just say, "Hey, it turns out I'm not going
to be able to make it... new job blah blah
blah," and ask if she wants to get together at
the weekend. Don't leave her room to argue. If
she tries, you might want to tell her to think
about somebody else for a minute. Or some
thing. Sheesh.
My best friend is a woman. We have known
each other for a realty long time, longer than
I have known my wife. I have never had any
feelings for my best friend other than
strictly platonic ones, and as far as I
know the feeling is mutual. My wife
knows this, and there has never
been an issue. I often go
out with my fnend when my
wife is either at home or out
with her other friends. My
best fnend and I are often
mistoken for a couple, which
is natural and not really a big
deal to either of us. I have a
very happy marnage, and my
wife and I trust each other
implicitly.
The problem is that
some of my friends seem to
think that my best fnend and I are more than
fnends. or at very least that she has "a thing"
for me. It is really uncomfortable for me since I
would never, ever even think about cheating. It
makes me mod because my guv fnends should
know me better, and I feel like it also devalues
my friendship with my best fnend. I know they
don't really think I would do anything, but I
am totally sick of the jokes and remarks, and I
know it makes my fnend uncomfortable too. AM
I demo too sensitive 7 Is there a way to make
this stop without the whole "Thou doth protest
too much" problem ? Help 1
Totciiv Mamed
way after that day o f
should l tell hur I'H tie
mere, not show up. ana
apolog'ze later?
Roc k—Me—Hard Place
Normally. I am a propo
nent of being upfront, RMHP.
In this case however, an old saying
springs to mind: "It is easier to ask
forgiveness than permission." The bot
tom line is that this needy, pain m the-
ass friend of yours (and you never did
say WHY you were her fnend, since she
is clearly not yours) is going to whine
and carry on regardless of what you do.
At least d you pretend that you mignt
make it. you can get through your first day
at your new job without having had her nag
gmq you for a week beforehand. You can just
cad her after the fact and apologize, and see
if maybe she wants to get together that week
end If she decides not to forgive you, then
you'll hkely be better off. But. I don t see that
happening, since you ate obviously one of the
only people msane enough to put up with her
pravo to your wife 'or being cool. And
i to you to. making both you' friend-
p and your marriage work. Ihe'e isn’t
,c r) you car* jo about the assumptions
f a waiter but d your guy
fnends a ? e going to continue
to be jackasses, it may be
time to Hnd new friends.
Are they giving you
shit because it amuses
them and they know
it pisses you off, or
,. ' is it possible that
they really aren't sure? The
reason I ask is because if they
know it bothers you and it amuses
them, then fighting back will only
make it worse Depending on their
personalities, if they know they are
really getting under your skin they
might redouble their efforts. But. if they
are adults, and truly your friends, and if
they're just giving you shit because they
have nothing else to talk about, then you
need to set them straight once and for all.
Tell them that it isn't cool to suggest that you
might cheat, and that it is disrespectful of
you, your wife, and your best fnend. Ask them
seriously to not bring it up aqain because it
really pisses you off.
Jyl Inov
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