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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
Afy boyfriend and I have been together for
five years, living together for the past two. We
spend ridiculous amounts of time together and
are truly best friends. The first three years of
our relationship'were long distance, and that
went smoothly—mostly.
I moved down to Athens two years ago
so that we could live together while he was
in grad school, and I soon found out that he
had slept with an old friend/girlfriend (they've
known each other since age 14 and had dated
on two separate occasions) while she was liv
ing in Atlanta for a brief time, months before
I had moved in. I was livid (obviously), but
I had made a few mistakes during our years
apart (though never slept with anyone else),
and after some time went by I pretty much got
over it. I merely requested that the next time
my boyfriend went back to his hometown for
Christmas that he not talk to her, as the whole
thing still made me uncomfortable. He said OK.
I found out a few weeks into the new year
that he had spoken to her at length and pos
sibly saw her, too. I threatened to move out
and break off the relationship because he had
lied to me about talking to her, and because
he couldn't honor my one request to avoid her
while he was home. He promised
it wouldn't happen again and
convinced me that just
talking to another person
was a silly reason to end
what was otherwise a
wonderful and fruitful
relationship. In the end,
I agreed (well, I'm not
sure I agreed per
se, but we did stay
together).
Now a whole other
year has gone by and
we live in a new city.
Everything is fine and
dandy, and about two
months ago my boyfriend
told me this other girl has moved to the same
city to live with her boyfriend (what are the
fucking chances?!). All he told me was that he
knew she had moved to town and that she had
contacted him through Facebook, but he hadn't
replied. I was thankful that he told me of her
new proximity and that she had contacted him.
Weeks went by, and one night I got a strange
feeling from the way he was acting. I looked at
his phone records and saw that there were calls
made between the two of them over the last
month, and texts exchanged, and that they did
in fact meet up the night before (with other
friends, too). I asked my boyfriend about it the
next morning and he didn't come clean until I
told him I already knew the truth from look
ing at his phone. . He says it's all innocent, he
loves me, wants to marry me, she has a serious
boyfriend, etc. and that he just didn't tell me
because it's all so "insignificant" (his words),
and he didn't want me to get mad about
nothing.
I'm pissed that he lied to me about their
communication again (keeping it all from me
counts in my book as lying), and I don't really
feel like dealing with this sort of thing (this
girl, him lying, me being sneaky to find out
the truth, etc.) on what is turning out to be
an annual basis. He says she's just a good, old
friend and he should be able to talk to her and
hang out; I say they clearly have a pattern of
going between "just friends" and something
romantic, so how can he be so sure it won't
happen again?
I do believe that at this point, they are just
being friendly, so am I overreacting when I
tell him I just don't want any contact between
them? Should I just say "fuck it" and let him
do what he wants and deal with whatever the
consequences may be in the future? I mean,
I guess she seems like she would, be a nice
enough girl maybe, but it seems just too weird
for the THREE of us to all be friends, right? But
can either one of them expect me to be OK with
the two of them together alone? Is it right that
I should let something that happened three
years ago (the initial offense, anyway) still
affect our relationship? This does really seem to
be the one thing that is hanging over our oth
erwise great and loving partnership. I just hate
that he lies to me about it and I end up being
sneaky (checking phones, email) to find out
the truth. This all makes me quite upset, and
it seems that my boyfriend just ends up having
his cake and eating it, too.
Three Strikes, He's Out?
The first two things that struck me, upon
first reading your letter, TSHO, are a.) after
five years, you should probably be spending
Christmas together, even if it means dividing
time between your families. This is how peo
ple in long-term relationships behave,
and it is how things will be when/if
you eventually do get married; and
b.) yes, it is definitely weird
that the girl in question and
her boyfriend (if he really
exists) happened to land in
the same city. But it is not
impossible, so don't even
bother going there.
Also, your boyfriend is full
of shit when calling his com
munication with her "insignifi
cant." Clearly he is now afraid
of how you will react after
he already made a promise
not to contact her and can't
figure out how to keep it and is feeling a lot
of stress about it. This is hardly insignifi
cant. Rather, it is wrought with stress and
uncertainty and discomfort, and he feels torn
between wanting to be free to do whatever he
wants and keeping you happy. You are right
to be pissed. But you also have to get over it,
because here's the thing: you are the only one
who can fix this.
He is lying, no matter how you slice it.
This puts him at a major disadvantage. Clearly
you have an otherwise very good thing, but
he is uncomfortable about being told how to
conduct their friendship, and he doesn't want
to blow her off.
To be fair, they have known each other for
a very long time and very little of that time
has involved them dating or otherwise sharing
more than platonic exchanges. Your only solu
tion is to allow the friendship and be a part
of it. It is likely that since you and your man
are such good friends, in addition to being
in love, that a good friend of his is a person
whom you would also like. Insert yourself into
the situation, forget about their past, and try
to be her friend, too. Trust him. Forgive, for
get, make an effort, and if you still don't like
it, then you break up. But don't throw it all
away without giving it another shot.
Jyl Inov
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