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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
I have a difficult time socializing with
women. I am recently divorced, late-30s, and
generally very easy going. The problem is that
since I was married very young I never really
learned how to date. Or maybe I knew at one
time and now I've forgotten. I have been
experiencing some depression, and I do tend
to drink a lot when I go out because I am so
uncomfortable in crowded social situations. I
have several friends who are trying
to help me out and hook me
up with some of their lady
friends, and I am grateful
to them for it, but I do
manage to screw it up by
getting a bit tipsy and
going from quiet and shy
to loud and annoying. I
am fully aware that
this is happening,
but I feel unable to
control it. If I go out
and don't drink, I feel
so much anxiety that
I can't talk to anyone.
I don't really know where
to go from here, especially
because according to my "plan" I should be a
"stay at home" dad right now, happily married
with at least one kid. I guess my questions are
multiple: How can I meet women my age? What
can I do about the anxiety? And most impor
tantly, are there other women out there who
are interested in having a husband who wants
to stay at home and raise the kids?
Mr. Mom?
The first thing you are going to have to
do is get a hold on your drinking/anxiety
issues. There are various ways you can deal
with this, but I advise you to seek the advice
of a professional. In the meantime, it might
help if you limit yourself to social situations
that involve smaller groups of people, or quit
drinking, or both. You have friends. Great.
They are trying to help you. Great.
But don't forget the Internet.
Regarding your last question:
Are you kidding?! There are
plenty of women who would
love to have a family and not
have to give up their careers.
That's even more reason to
utilize Internet dating sites. The
more specific and honest you are
up front, the more likely your
chances of success.
A couple of months ago, I started
dating a woman that I met while on
a business trip. We were in another
state, but found out that at home we
coincidentally lived only 45 minutes away
from each other. The trip was great, busi
ness good, and everyone was in a celebratory
mood. She and I hit it off immediately. She is
smart, driven, beautiful and, I later found out,
sexually aggressive. I was blown away. So, we
decided to see each other again when we got
back. We did, and it was good. She came to
see me; we talked for hours; she stayed at my
house; we stayed in bed forever and then went
out and had a great time the whole weekend.
I am amazed by her. I am divorced and
in my 40s, and it is rare that I meet anyone
like me in my business, much less somebody I
find so compelling. So, things are going very
well. We see each other almost every weekend.
And just when I was beginning to feel like
everything was perfect, she told me that she
is married, but separated. She still lives with
her husband. They are going to get a divorce,
but they can't afford to live separately until
they sell their house. I don't know why, but
this really bothers me. I have no reason not
to believe her, but I also can't imagine what
would happen if she were to go back to him. I
feel awful. I feel like she cheated. I would love
for things to progress with us, but fear the
worst. She has assured me that they are
not going to stay together, that they
don't sleep together, and that her
husband is also seeing some
body else. And yet I still can't
quite get comfortable. Where
do I go from here? Should I
break it off?
Anonymous
I do find it a bit suspect
that she waited so long to
explain her circumstances to
you, A, but it is possible
that she didn't feel it neces
sary while things were still
casual. Are you worried that
she is still with her husband, or that she will
go back to him? Short of having a meeting
with both of them to discuss the status of
their marriage, I don't know how you're going
to get the reassurance you seek. You either
have to trust her or not. I know the housing
market isn't great right now, but do people
really live together through a d.ivorce? I don't
know. Also, you may want to consider the fact
that if she is currently married and having an
affair with you, you might end up being the
rebound guy. It sounds like you are really fall
ing for this woman, and I would hate for you
to get your heart broken because you were in
the right place at the wrong time. Maybe you
should get some distance from this thing until
her divorce is finalized and she has her own
place. If she really likes you, she will under
stand your concern and work a little harder to
change her situation. If she doesn't, then bet
ter you find out now before you
get in any deeper.
Just wanted to respond to
Anonymous (in the May 6th
issue of Flagpole,). Her lawyer
like lover is a sociopath still in love
with the woman he cheated on
his wife with for over five years.
He likes to watch other people
run around after him and he
likes to see people suffer as
he remains cold. He thinks these
reactions are proof that a human
cares and he will put one through the
wringer. He is sick. He knows it. He does
not care at all about this chick. He is using her
to get off.
His lover that nas his heart, mind and soul
loved him back but would not commit to him
because at first he covered up everything that
he knew she wouldn't like and then years into
it, he let some crazy ways show and she was
intelligent enough to figure out he was a whack
job. Sometimes, love dies that way.
The girl better jump ship immediately before
she is sucked down dry.
Jyl Inov
Got a question for Jyl? Submit your anonymous inquiry
via the Reality Check button at www.flagpole.com.
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