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WHERE’S THE BEEF?
Tour de Burger: Let's get this out of the way up front. I know
you, dear reader, unless you are a health nut or a vegetar
ian, probably have your eyes light up with demonic glee at
the idea of a deep-fried hamburger, which the brand-new The
Burger and Cheesesteak Factory (227 Prince Ave., in the
Bottleworks) touts as being on its menu. I know mine did. The
very concept of an entire hamburger, not just the patty, being
staked, dunked in Guinness batter and plunked into the deep
fryer made me tingle in anticipation. Sadly, very sadly, I must
warn you not to make the same mistake, dear reader.
The hamburgers in general at the restaurant have a faint
flavor of hot dogs (Is it preservatives? Nitrates? Sausage added
to the mix? Whatever it is, it caused someone to write "hot
dog breath" on the wall, with one of the Sharpies provided
throughout for customers to markup the place however they
like), and it's only intensified in the deep-fried version, which
ends up tasting like a meaty, greasy, hot doggy sponge. Does
that sound appealing? If it does, you know where to get it,
but don't say you didn't know what you were in for. Dissection
revealed the presence of bacon as well, although you certainly
couldn't taste it under all the fried goop. If I know you, you'll
want to test your limits, but if you're looking for a cholesterol-
fest, you could clog your arteries with far more pleasure
elsewhere.
The "deep-fried paradise" section of the menu is a misno
mer as well. Did you think bacon could only ever get better,
especially if you decided to deep-fry it? You'd be wrong. Ditto
for broccoli coated with Cheez Wiz. Both of them taste almost
solely of batter. The deep-fried Oreos (with Coke batter) at
least continue to taste like Oreos, and the deep-fried Milky Way
still resembles a Milky Way, but by this point demoralization
has set in, and one begins to
question why anyone would just
start frying with abandon at all.
The atmosphere seems posi
tively soaked in grease, unavoid
ably no doubt, but the speedy grungification of the space,
not even previously a restaurant, is impressive. The walls are
marked up, one door plastered with Transformers images and
peanut shells litter the floor near a bin of the legumes. Ice
cream is available but not fried. According to the staff, it takes
too much time and effort. If you must, and I know some of you
must, the classic cheesesteak, made with Cheez Whiz the way
it's supposed to be, is a far better option than the burgers,
supplying plenty of food, good flavor and no wienery-ness. The
restaurant is open every day for lunch and dinner, including
very late on weekends and takes credit cards. It also serves
a four-pound hamburger called "The Godzilla," plans to hold
quarterly eating contests, and has a TV devoted to "Walker,
Texas Ranger."
Mo' Better Burgers: If you want a really good burger and, in
fact, the only one I can think of offhand in town that you can
actually get medium-rare, as opposed to being asked how you
want it cooked only to be served a charred hockey puck, The
National (232 W. Hancock Ave.) makes an absolutely delicious
one with Grafton white Cheddar, piquillo peppers, romaine and
aleppo-scallion-mayo, served with crispy potatoes. It's $11,
and it's only available at lunch, but it's soft, light, buttery
and happiness-inducing. The Last Resort Grill (174-184 E.
Clayton St.) makes a nice one as well, with cheddar, jalapehos
and bacon. It's a little overcooked, but the mayo moistens it
to where that could be overlooked, and it's nice to get a salad
on the side rather than a mound of fries, sometimes. Clocked
(259 W. Washington St.) is where most people turn for a burger
downtown, if they're not over by The Grill or Five Guys, and
despite my frequent annoyances with their service, they still do
a pretty good job. It would be nice, however, if they'd go back
to using the buns from Luna Bakery they used to. The new ones
are squishy and flavorless and can't stand up to the patties.
What Up? The space on Baxter that held Tu Metapan most
recently is becoming Yo Spicy Mexican Bar and Grill. Sounds
authentic. Damon Krebs, one of the men behind Allgood
Lounge, Walker's and The Pub at Gameday, aims to open Blue
Sky, yet another bar named after a departed establishment,
above the downtown Taco Stand.
Hillary Brown
...a meaty, greasy,
hot doggy sponge.
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