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MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
I have a huge dilemma. My best friend is a
guy. We have known each other for almost five
years. We know each other well—past relation
ship crap, hopes and fears, etc. We have, on
occasion, slept together, but we were drunk
and flirty and one thing led to another and,
well, you know. We usually laugh when we wake
up in the morning, go out for breakfast like
we would any other time, and go our separate
ways. We have never met each
other's parents. We have never
had a real discussion about
our relationship. It just
seems like it is what it
is, and we are both okay
with it.
So, recently, we were
out with my group of
friends having dinner.
He often hangs out
with my social circle,
but is not actually
in it. In other words,
they all like him, but
they are my friends and
when I am not around
he doesn't hang out with *
them. He has a similar group of friends with
whom I get along well. Anyway, we were all at
dinner, and he asked me what my plans were
for the rest of the weekend. I responded 'with
a list of the usual crap that my life entails—
laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning house, etc.
And I added, very casually (but not "casually
in a not casual way," as if I was trying to
make a big deal out of it), that I was going
on a date with a guy I had been out with a
couple of weeks before. At this
point, there was an oddly
long pause, followed by
him saying, "Oh, I thought
you said you thought he
was too short." I answered
that I had in fact said that,
but that I had been shamed
into re-thinking my ridiculous
attitude by several of my best
girlfriends.
At that point the conver
sation shifted abruptly to my
best friend talking animatedly
about a girl he had met at
work and how she gave
him her number and that
he might give her a call. He
followed that up with remarks about the very
attractive new bartender that they had hired
at work. So, now I am left to wonder if he is
jealous—if it is real jealousy because he likes ■
me, or just friendly competitiveness—and how
I can find out without making a big deal out of
this. My girlfriends agreed, by the way, that he
reacted weirdly to news of my date, so I know
that it isn't all in my head. I really do like this
guy, but I guess I always assumed that trying
to make a real relationship out of what we have
would just ruin our friendship. I assumed that
he felt the same way, and nothing has hap
pened recently that would explain this sudden
jealousy. So, what do I do? Am I reading too
much into this? Do I attempt "The Talk?" I am
not opposed to trying to date him, but it never
occurred to me that he would want to until
now. The problem is, I am not hell bent on this
turning into something, and I am afraid that
bringing it up might make things awkward and
make it seem like this is what I want and that 1
I am presenting him with some sort of "shit or
get off the pot" scenario, which I am REALLY
not. Help! I don't want to hurt his feelings, but
I don't want to ruin what we have, either.
Ms. Mixed Signals
It seems to me that you guys are close
enough and honest enough with each other
that you should be able to just ask him what
he is thinking. I know it will be difficult and
awkward, but if you present it to him the
way you just presented it to me, then there
should be no confusion. You seem pretty
relaxed about the whole thing, so I
have every confidence that you can
get your point across without
putting any pressure on him
or seeming like you are
. anxious to get to "the next
level" or whatever. Just tell
him that he seemed uncom-
• fortable with your dating
the Short Guy, ask him if he
is, and ask him if he has ever
thought about having a real
relationship with you. Tell
him that you aren't necessar
ily pushing for it, but that
if he wants to try he should
tell you, and that you would be willing to try.
And remember to tell him that you are fine
with things the way they are, and that things
do not have to change between you after
the conversation, should you decide that you
don't want to try.
I need help. I am a straight guy in my
mid-20s. As weird as this may sound, I actu
ally want a girlfriend. I have a lot of friends. I
am not the best looking guy I know, but I do
fine with girls. The problem is, none of
them seem to want a real relationship.
I feel like people my age are just into
getting drunk and hooking up, and
while I don't have anything against
it, I am getting really bored. Also,
I wonder if there are any women'
out there who are not "Sex and the
City" addicts? I can suffer through
a chick flick here and there, but
it seems like all of the girls I am
friends with get together and watch
this show religiously, and then talk
about it incessantly, and I am so,
so, so sick of hearing about it. Am •
I missing something? I have seen
it, and it can be funny, but I really
don't understand the whole cult thing. Am I
crazy? Am I the only guy who feels this way?
Because my guy friends seem perfectly happy
with things the way they are. I don't get it. I
need more. Is there something wrong with me?
Anonymous Guy
I think what you are experiencing is called
Emotional Maturity. It can be confusing, AG,
but you should embrace it. I suggest you ven
ture outside your circle of friends right away.
Either start going to new places or join a club
or volunteer or something. You could also try
the Internet. As far as the whole "S&TC" thing
goes, I don't know what to tell you. Your best
bet might be to drop it into conversation with
every woman you meet right away, and then
w#t for the one who says "I've never seen it"
or "I hate that show" and propose to her.
Jytlnov
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