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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
Met her online. I know, I know—that sounds
ridiculous, but it's true. So, we live far away
from each other. But we got along well and we
had a lot in common, and we exchanged a lot
of messages and then phone calls—months
worth—and then finally deeded to meet. We
did, and it was good. Good enough that we
planned to meet again. More calls, more mes
sages, an actual relationship. Visits,
plans, holidays, talks about the
future, us, what we wanted
out of life, and then...
then I basically freaked
out. She was perfect, but
was she? Was she too
perfect? Was she the only
perfect woman? Could I
actually settle down?
Yes, I could have.
But my ego and my
bullshit got in the
way. I crushed her.
It was bad. She was
nicer than she should
have been. I was weird and
smug and "not that into
her." It was ridiculous. I was ridiculous. I wish
I could blame it on youth or temporary insanity
or depression or something, anything. I can't.
I was dumb.'And now I am not. And it is two
years later and I would really like to see her
and I don't know what to say. I have sent her
an email or two, just to see how she is. She has
been polite but distant, telling me what she's
doing and who she's dating and all about her
great life and her great job. I'm dying. What
should I do? Should I tell her I was an idiot
and I would do anything for a second chance?
Is that stupid? Is it fair? Am I crazy? I feel like
' I could really do this now, I just don't know
how.
That Guy
I'm tempted to tell you to suck it up and
deal with the fact that you were a big jackass
and you blew it, TG. Because you were and you
did. But all may not be lost. The way I would
put it to her is that you know you were stupid
and that she was great and you sucked, and
that you know that now, and that if she ever
thought she might find it in her to forgive you
and possibly consider giving it another shot,
she should get in touch and tell you. Consider
telling her this in writing, as it will involve a
lot of details. You need to make sure that she
knows that you know exactly how (and how
much) you blew it. But don't keep bugging
her. Be nice, be humble, be completely honest,
grovel just a little, and then be completely
hands off. Leave the ball in her court and
leave her alone. Do this with the knowledge
that you will probably never hear from her
again. Then, cross your fingers that she calls,
knowing that she probably won't, and learn
from this mistake. At least you'll have that.
And don't eff it up next time some nice young
lady is kind enough to give you the time of
day, you undeserving douchebag.
P.S. Maybe you should clip this out of the
paper and send it to her also.
I think of my ex-husband everyday. We don't
talk or see each other, and I keep dreaming
about him. I dream that I am always search
ing for him and never find him. He told
me once that he couldn't have any
thing to do with me because it hurt
him too badly.
I was wondering if you
think he will ever feel a need
to hear my voice again. I
think he wants to hear me
but can't because of his own
issues. I saw a photo of him
and he looked sad, lost, and
had a drink in his hand. He
looked bad, and I know pictures
are just pictures. His look
made me sad, and I want him
to be happy.
I am constantly missing
him and wondering about him. I can't help
myself, and my friends say that I just need to
forget him and move on. I know I am not ready
to move on because it only happened less than
a year ago. He told me that there wouldn't be
any reconciliation on his part.
Do you think there would ever be a change
of heart on his part? I have heard of divorced
couples meeting again later in life and remar
rying. He said NO to getting back together. I
know sometimes that people change what they
think.
What would you do in my situation? I am
not looking for anyone to be with because I am
still heartbroken. There are plenty of fish in the
sea, but I can't seem to bait my hook because
of the traumatic experience with the last fish.
You give really great advice to people and I
want to know what you think about this.
Thank You,
Little Fishy in the Creek by the Sea
Since I don't really have any information
about the why or how of your separation,
Fishy, I'm going to have to go on what IUo
know. Your husband said that he is not
interested in getting back together with
you. Ever. Never, ever again. Do I think
he might change his mind? I have no way
of knowing that, but I do know that your
best bet is not to count on it. I know
that hurts, but you have no reason to
believe that he is lying, which means you
are going to have to listen to your friends
and move on. This is not easy, and there
is no time table. You can't be expected to
just snap your fingers and be over it. Give
yourself time to mourn and time to heal,
and try to focus on other things. Figure
out what might be next. Don't throw yourself
into dating until you are sure you're ready.
Just be yourself and take your time and get
through it. You may be heartbroken for a long
time. Just be patient with yourself. In the
meantime, try to have some fun and do things
you enjoy and spend time with your friends.
Try to think about him less, and eventually it
will get easier.
Jyl Inov
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