Newspaper Page Text
f
■MVIVTS
<pje>BuYAt$TE
r«2w fttOtott ©epaar**T* ©*u
Tuesday, April 13, 2010 - Drag Bingo
Little Kings | 8 p.m. | 2 cords for $5,5 cords for $10
WaL, April 14^ 2010 - Karaoke A Prog Siadi
Go Bor | 8 p.m. | Free, Donations welcome and encouraged
Ikon., April 15, 2010 - Ladies on tke lawn
Ashford Manor | 7 p.m. (gates at 6) j $10 per person
Satwriiny,
The Fabulous 40 Watt Qub |
40 Wait, Ashford Manor. Chase Slreet Self Sloruue
Corey Johnson £ Yancey Gulley, Don Reagin & Grant 8rown
Form 255, flagpole GLOBES. Goodness Grows Hole! Indigc
lest Resort, l$M Comcast Spotlight Mama’s Boy. Paige OrwsH
Randall Short Photography Tony Kearney / Wild Cherty Sucre!
Toula's. Vernon Wall Purse •Puffy. Willie t Bunk', Jr., Wocdicnd Garden
www.boybutante.org
UGA Solves Fiscal Crisis: When the Georgia legislature cut UGA
President Mike Adams' salary by 25 percent, that got his
attention.
"I do believe those crackers are serious," Adams says.
"When you've been living on $600,000 a year, you can't make
it on $450,000. Believe me, I now understand what this
depression means to folks."
It was at this point that Adams realized he was going to
have to do something even more drastic than anticipated.
"I got all my top guys together," Adams recalls, and we
started brainstorming. We thought we had called the legisla
tors' bluff when we proposed doing away with the 4-H and the
Botanical Garden and the Review and the Press and stuff. But
we finally saw that we had vastly overestimated the legislators.
Turns out most of them think the hedges are all the garden we
need over here, and they think the Georgia Review is what they
flunked when they were trying to get into the business school.
"'Fellows,' I told my guys, unless y'all want to find out what
it's like to try to scrape by on $100,000 a year, you'd better
get creative and come up with a way to balance the budget
over here and get those peckerwoods off our backs.
"That's kind of where my hard-nosed leadership finally
woke them up, and we really got down to it and came
up with a plan so breathtakingly drastic, yet so simple,
that even a legislator could grasp it.
"When we ran the numbers, we saw that our largest
expense by far is faculty salaries, not to mention that
faculty always have the most problems and demands,
and are the hardest group to satisfy. You might
think it would be the students, but keep this
in mind: we have to pay the faculty, but the
students pay us. Now, isn't that a simple,
yet brilliant insight? That's why I pay
my guys so much—because I know
that when the chips are down, they
know how to run the chipper.
"Once we saw the light, so to speak,
the solution was easy: we just abolish
the faculty, and, poof, all our problems are
solved. Suddenly, there's plenty of money for a
world-class university without having to touch
a single administrative salary. All our institutes,
the Garden, the 4-H—we've got it all, and we've
got it way under budget. We can even admit a
lot more students, bringing in a lot more money.
I confidently expect that we will become the
model for the other schools in the SEC, where, I
can assure you, faculty cost just as much and
just as many problems as they do at UGA."
Asked at a press conference how the university
can function without faculty, Adams elaborated.
"Well, look at it this way. Students get most of their
information from the Internet. They only come to
class because they've been required to attend. They
spend most of their time in class looking up stuff
on their laptops, when they're not texting their
friends. They could actually be more productive if
they could concentrate on their computers and their
cell phones without having to pretend to be paying atten
tion to their professors. And, of course, as an added bonus,
just think how much better this will be for our football players.
Frankly, mandatory class attendance is a major interruption to
their athletic concentration. Ask yourself whether you'd rather
have them catching on in class or catching the old pigskin on
the field."
Adams closed the press conference by emphasizing the fact
that the University of Georgia will become the most popular
school in the SEC until the others catch on, but by then we
will have doubled our enrollment and signed all the top pros
pects in foothalL
"The University of Georgia will continue its rise to national
prominence academically and athletically," Adams prophesied,
"while operating well within our present budgetary restraints.
And that's something even a Georgia legislator can under
stand." [PMc]
Simpler New Tax Plan: Paying taxes will become entirely
voluntary in Georgia if a Republican proposal passes the
General Assembly next week. "It just gives people a choice," .
says Watkinsville Rep. Bob Smith, who introduced the mea
sure. "Democrats will probably continue to pay their taxes.
Republicans won't." But faced with Georgia's budget crisis,
Smith acknowledges something new may still need to be done.
That's why Republicans in the General Assembly are looking at
an "affair tax," he adds. [JH]
Minor Error No Big Deal: Republican State Senator
Ralph Hudgens says he was "flabbergasted" at new
census reports showing that there are Democrats
in Athens. "I had no idea," Hudgens confesses.
"Athens has repeatedly elected Republicans."
But he acknowledges that a "computer
error" in drawing voting districts may have
diluted the votes of Athens Democrats.
A computer storage drive was
inserted "backwards, and upside-down,"
he says, resulting in errors in drawing
the districts. "That's why Athens ended
up in a Congressional district running from
here to Augusta," he explains. Hudgens says
he expects some Athens Republican repre
sentatives to resign once the errors get sorted
out "They wouldn't want to do anything that
would interfere with the democratic process,"
he says. "I mean, that's what makes this the
greatest country in the world." [JH]
Yes, We Know: After being elected to two terms
in Congress, former ACC Commissioner John Barrow
stunned political observers by announcing he'll soon
leave Washington to return to the county commis
sion. In Washington, "they all thought I was a
Republican," Barrow complained at a press confer-
where he wore a flag suit. At least in Athens, h
will know what I really stand for." [JH]
If You Build It... What Happens?: Current District
5 Commissioner David Lynn is already working on
ways to pass the time when his term expires: he'
started building a tower in the back yard of his Hill Street
home out of picnic tables and old Highlights magazines.
Asked what the tower is for, Lynn replies, "Well, I gotta
something, right?" The commissioner, whose other job is with
UGA, could find himself with a lot of time on his hands once
most of the university's academic programs and services are
dissolved.
"I had bundles and bundles of these great educational
magazines in the basement from when I was a kid—doesn't
everybody?—and I got the picnic tables cheap from a guy at
Leisure Services." Lynn isn't quite sure yet what to do with
the tower when he's finished, but "I'll cross that bridge when
come to it," he says.
Local entrepreneur Jared Bailey, who has announced he will
run for Lynn's seat in November, is taking an interest in the
matter. "Since nobody else seems to be running for the District
5 spot I feel like I'm the commissioner already," Bailey says.
"I haven't really looted at the zoning code or anything, but
I'm pretty sure it'll have something to say about this." [DM]
flulm U^AfMiM Aaetfi Inhll Licit a fi. LSam
rmfl WCwtHTilTtCsftjf, «W1* 8 WW wwHT
MARCH 31,2010 RAGPOlf.COM
1
With a Spicy Orange Sauce, Perhaps: A proposal to allow hom
eowners to raise cats for food in their backyards now appears
unlikely to pass the ACC Commission. It was put forward as a
sustainability measure for residents who wished to raise small
quantities of the organic meat for their own consumption; but
local dog owners now say the caged cats would be distracting
to their pets.
"This is why we have animal control laws," says Desiree
Colquest, who raises Dobermans, English Bulldogs, Pekinese,
Affenpoos and Aussiedoodles out of her Five Points home.
"Clarke County already makes it nearly impossible to run your
own business."
Mayor Heidi Davison says she'll reluctantly withdraw the
ordinance if commissioners can't reach a consensus. "There are
some really great recipes," she says, citing the abun
dant local supply of the potential livestock. "I just
thought it was something we should try here." [JH]
ATHENS BOOZES AND STEWS