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MATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
For the last year or so, I have been see
ing a wonderful man. We are both in our AOs,
divorced and with grown kids. We met through
the old-fashioned way being introduced by a
mutual friend at a party. No Internet hook up
or anything like that. We started off slowly—
just a few casual dates over a couple of
months, then things picked up and we began
spending more time together. I am really into
this guy—big time! He is smart, handsome,
funny and incredibly interesting.
So, you may ask, why I am I writing to you
about Mr. Perfect? Well, here it goes. He has a
friend. Not just any kind of friend but a special
friend that he confides everything to. And yes,
this special friend is a woman. Am I jealous?
Duh! He has known her for over 20 years. They
met as coworkers when both were in the final
stages of a dissolving marriage. Neither of them
ever remarried. I would say, on aver
age, he spends as much time
with her as he does me,
just not the same kinda
hours. The two of them
have lunch together
quite often and do things
on the weekend during
the day. Seldom are they
together after six.
Of course, I had
to ask him if they
were or had ever been
lovers. He quickly
answered that they had
been lovers once and that
was a long time ago, and
they preferred to just be
friends. I don't find this totally unbelievable
except for one little thing. This woman embod
ies everything he wants in a woman. She is
educated, independent, friendly and, yes, she
looks awesome. She even dresses the way he
likes to see women dress.
So, am I wasting my time on this guy? If I
keep on with this relationship will it more than
likely end badly for me?
Anonymous
If they have known each other for over
20 years ar.d they haven't decided to have a
serious relationship, then the chances they're
going to strike one up now are pretty slim.
Do you not have any male friends? Is it really
so difficult for you to understand this? You've
already said that they don't spend evenings
together, (though I fail to see why the time
of day that they meet is relevant), and he
already told you that they slept together
once and it was a no-go. That rules out the
possibility that they don't know what they're
missing, or that they will one day decide that
they should have tried sleeping together a
long time ago.
So, what is your problem, exactly? I assure
you that there are single women your age
reading this right now and cursing you for
being so incredibly thick. If you decide to
blow this over petty jealousy, then please do
us all the favor of making sure I know how to
put them in contact with Mr. Perfect. In the
meantime, you should let both Mr. Perfect and
his best friend know that you have some feel
ings of jealousy, but (and this is important)
that you know it is ridiculous. Do this in a
rational way, and don't threaten them or tiy
to make them feel bad. Just explain that you
have tjjese feelings and that you are working
on them. Maybe once you get to know her
better you'll feel less threatened.
•v' ^
*
I have been seeing this woman every once
in awhile for the post year. "Mary" and I met
through mutual friends and we live quite a
ways apart from one another, so the relation
ship is casual. We have talked about it at
length, and since neither of us is willing to
move, we have both decided that we'll take
what we can get for the moment. We also have
the understanding that both of us are allowed
to date other people. So, things have been roll
ing along nicely, and then recently there have
been some things that have given me pause.
I have two roommates, both of whom are
female and both of whom have boyfriends.
Mary is fully aware of this, and has never been
bothered before about either cf these ladies.
Then about a month ago, I went out on a
couple of dates. One of those dotes went very
well, and I have since seen that woman (I'll
call her Kate) a couple more times. We are not
involved physically, but she has spent a
night here. Out of a desire to be totally
honest, I have told Mary about Kate.
She said she wasn't bothered,
which I assumed was true,
and then she hung up the
phone a bit abruptly a few
minutes later.
Next time we talked,
she asked me if I had seen
Kate again. I had. She then
launched into a long story about
a guy she had gone out with a
couple of times, clearly trying
to make me jealous. I wasn't
jealous, because I knew
this was something I would
likely face eventually, so I didn't really react.
She then asked me if she could come visit on
the next weekend. I said yes. Now, Kate knows
about Mary, and I have told her that I wasn't
necessarily interested in an exclusive relation
ship. She seems fine with that. I told her Mary
was coming to visit, and she also seemed fine
with that.
When Mary came for the weekend, things
started well. We had a great dinner, vyent out
for a couple drinks, and came home to bed. In
the middle of the night, my roommates came
home and Mary got out of bed, still undressed,
to use the bathroom. I don't think my room
mates were particularly offended, but it seemed
like an odd thing to do. She ended up staying
an extra night, and on Sunday night she was
being particularly loud during sex. I asked her
to be quiet since my roommates were sleeping
and had to get up early the next day, but she
wouldn't listen. Even afterward, she made a big
show of going down to. the kitchen for water
and yelling up the stairs to see if I wanted any.
She left on Monday afternoon, and I made
dinner for my roommates that night to make
up for her rude behavior. So, now I don't know
what to do. I have been having a great time
with Mary, but it seems dear to me that she
jealous of Kate. My roommates say that I have
to choose. What do you think?
Regardless of what you agreed to or what
she says, Mary is obviously jealous. You know
it, she knows it and she's willing to drag your
roommates into it just to prove a point Kate
may or, may not work out but even if $he
doesn't there will always be another Kate ft
Mary to get mad about If neither of you is
willing to move, it is as good as over anyway,
so you might as welt pull the proverbial plug
Jyl Inov
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