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HATTERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
I have been dating this guy (“John") whom
I met through an Internet dating site. When
we met, we were both very clear that neither of
us was interested in an exclusive relationship.
I had just gotten out of a marriage, and he a
relationship of five years. I am wise enough in
my older age to know now that I don't need to
be jumping into anything serious for at least a
year. So after waiting six months for the divorce
to finalize and to get happy with myself again,
I got on the Internet and started a profile. In
addition to John, I have been dating a few
other guys. Nothing serious, and barely any
thing sexual.
I like John very much, and there is another
guy (“Ben") that I a bo feel pretty strongly
about, but I know that I am not ready for a
real relationship yet. While Ben is
fine with this, John is start
ing to get weird about it.
It's getting frustrating,
because every time we
go out together, we
start out hoving a great
time, and the conversa
tion flows freely. We
have a lot in com
mon and never run
out of things to talk
about. The only prob
lem is, now he asks
me regularly if I have
been on any other dates,
and I always tell him the
truth, and the answer is
usually yes. I told him that I would never lie
to him about this, but I abo told him that he
shouldn't ask if he doesn't want to know.
There is no reason to start off a relationship
with lies (that was a problem in my marriage),
but now I am starting to rethink my policy. He
gets very sully if I tell him I've been out with
anyone ebe, especially Ben. I didn't tell him
that Ben is as high on my list as he is, but he
has figured it out by
the fact that Ben
still around. But when we started dat
ing, he was seeing other people, too, and
I told him he should continue to do that.
So, I have gotten to the point where every
time we see each other (which is usually a cou
ple of times a month), I am starting to spend
the whole time holding my breath for when
“the question“ is going to come out. John
wants us to be exclusive now, and I keep telling
him that I don't want that, and then he pouts
just long enough for me to start to get bored
and want to go home, at which point he pre
tends like nothing has happened and gets on
with the night. (Now that I just read that back,
it sounds even more irritating.) So, I guess
what I want to know is, should I just start lying
to him? Or tell him to quit asking? I really like
him, but I know if it gets too serious now it
will never work. Am I being unreasonable?
N.M.
It's not that you're being unreasonable,
NM. It's just that "John* agreed to something
that he can no longer abide by. Lying to him
is not the answer, and he obviously is not
going to quit asking. If he weren't being
manipulative, then I would suggest some kind
of State of the Union discussion, but since
his behavior on dates is probably indicative of
trouble down the line, I would say that ending
it now is your best bet.
I have been in a relationship for a couple of
years. I am in my late 20s, and my boyfriend is
a great guy. We get along really well. We never
fight. We have lived together for two years
now. He rarely does any house work. He never
pays the bilb or makes a meal. He is somewhat
emotionally distant. Lately, he has been out of
work, so he is not contributing anything, and
he never leaves the house. Now I want out of
this relationship and I don't know how
to do it. I suppose I should hove left
him before so it didn't look like I
was just doing it because of the
money.
The only time I am able
to be alone is A) in the
bathroom and B) if I close
myself into our spare room
and watch a movie. I abo
go out once a week with my
girlfriends, and every time I do
that I dread going home after
ward. I am getting depressed
and I don't know what to do.
I don’t want to hurt him, but
I can't take this anymore. I
feel like I can't do anything now because he is
out of work and it's Christmas. There are other
guys I like and who I think like me. I would
like to have a chance at a better life, but I feel
guilty and trapped and I don't know what to
do.
Unhappy Holidays
Whoa. So this “great guy" doesn't help
you with housework, doesn't cook and doesn't
leave the house? Well, he sounds
like everything a girl would want
in an emotionally distant guy!
Honey, you have got to get
it together. Does your boy
friend have anywhere else to
go? Can he stay with family
or a friend? If he does, you
should have a talk with him
immediately and ask him to
move out. Tell him you are
depressed and you have been
for a long time. Tell him you are frustrated
at his lack of participation. (Seriously, if he
isn't going to work, then he should at least
be cleaning and cooking; there is no excuse
for this.) Is he even trying to get work? If
he doesn't have anywhere to go, then give
him a deadline. TeU him you're done with
the relationship and he has a month to find
somewhere else to go. You are not doing him
any favors by staying with him because you
feel guilty, and if you're both just quietly
depressed and tiptoeing around each other,
eventually everything is going to fall apart
anyway. You need to work on making yourself
happy, and being comfortable in your own
house is a start. Today is the first day of what
ever you're going to do next. Make it happen.
Jyl Inov
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