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MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
My partner and I recently broke up during a
fight. Then, a week later, we started hanging
out, messing around and generally returning to
our routine as lovers. I head over there after
work, my partner visits me on my lunch break,
etc. We decided to continue as we are without
the serious labeling of partnership. We are a
gay couple, and in our circle of friends, partner
ship is next to godliness: the holy grail of com
mitment and love.
While things are nice between us, I want
the label (and the respect that comes with it)
back. I want the full thing. The only issue is
that I'm afraid bringing it up will make him
pull away and that I'll lose him forever. I ended
the partnership very unceremoniously???on the
phone screaming while he was sobbing???and I
don't know how to broach any of this without
it passing into sadness and regret. I've already
hurt him so much and I don't want to lose
what tittle we have left. Our routine may be the
same, but the lovey-dovey stuff is gone.
I've tried to talk to my friends about this
but they think that a gay man in his late 20s
shouldn't need relationship advice or help
discussing emotions. I want my partner and
our old life back (we were previously planning
a commitment ceremony to take place in the
next four years, when we had the
money to do it the way we both
wanted), but I don't know
what to do. I guess I'm
not gay enough.
Not Gay Enough
I'm not sure what you
mean by your moniker,
NGE. Maybe you
actually mean not
human enough, or
not mature enough
to face difficult and
emotional conversa
tions with a person
that you purport to love?
Maybe you need to "pass
into sadness and regret." I mean, how are you
going to get back to the way you were with
out talking about how you got where you are
now? You should regret the way you broke up,
NGE, because screaming into a phone at your
sobbing partner is regrettable behavior.
I have no idea why you two broke up or
who was at fault, and I don't want to make
any assumptions, so I'll just say that it is up
to you to bring this thing back around. If you
really love this guy and not just "the label"
of partner and the respect of your peers,
then show him. Have the talk, as painful as
it might be, and tell him how you really feel.
It is possible that he wants the same thing
but he's too afraid to ask because the last
time things got emotional you were screaming
through the phone at him.
I have been hooking up with my friend Bill
on and off for the last two years. He travels a
lot for work and goes to school, and I have a
job and I volunteer and neither of us really has
a lot of free time. We live in the same apart
ment complex, though, so when we are both
around we tend to hang out a lot. We cook
together, watch movies and occasionally go
out. We have talked before about the status of
our relationship (or lack of it), and both agreed
that neither of us had the time or inclina
tion to get serious. We have a lot of the same
friends (the apartment complex has a lot of
people in their 30s like us who are fairly active,
and we tend to get together in groups a lot,
especially when the weather is warm). We are
both independent people and need a lot of time
to ourselves, so we have always been respectful
of one another's space and don't make assump
tions about being home meaning not busy or
necessarily feeling like hanging out. Things
have been going very well.
Recently, Bill's friend Dave got back from
Afghanistan. This is a guy whose name I have
heard a million times. Dave and Bill have
known each other since college and were room
mates years ago. Dave used to live in this
complex for a while before he deployed. Dave
calls when Bill and I are together sometimes,
so I have shouted hello at him from across the
room. I know so many stories about Dave that
I feel like I already know him. However, I had
never seen Dave before he got back???not even
a recent picture, if you can believe it. I don't
know what I thought he looked like but I was
not prepared for what I saw when I first met
him. He is beautiful. He is also charming and
funny, and has a lot of the qualities that Bill
lacks, which in my mind make Bill not serious
relationship material.
I won't get into it, because it is too gooey
and boring, but suffice it to say that I have
a real thing for Dave, and Dave has made it
clear that the feeling is mutual. I have
spent a month trying to figure out
what to do, and when I talked to
Bill about him, I really thought
that Bill gave me his blessing
to date Dave. I can't remem
ber the conversation exactly,
but I guess I was being
less than completely direct,
because I thought he got it
and I thought I understood
that he would be fine with me
dating Dave. Well, Dave and I
went out together one night
and we had a great time.
Then we started calling each
other to go to the gym and
get dinner, and occasionally for no reason at
all. Now, Bill seems to have figured out what is
going on and he told me that he really wanted
to have a relationship with me. He seems con
fused about how Dave got into the picture at
all. And I really, really don't want to date Bill,
but I also don't want to make a huge drama
and ruin their friendship. (I'm pretty sure ours
is going to crash either way.) How do I do this?
Melrose Place
You start by ending things with Bill. Tell
him that you just don't feel the same way
that he does and that you were fine with the
friends-with-benefits arrangement but that
you never saw any future there. Then you take
a step back from Dave. I'm not sure if the
two of you already hooked up, but you should
probably keep things fairly platonic while you
figure out if the two of you are actually as
compatible as your hormones think you are.
If so, great. Go for it. Bill's gonna have to
live with it, because he's been saying for two
years that he didn't want a relationship with
you. But if you figure out that you and Dave
really aren't so compatible after all, then you
haven't created a raging drama between old
friends. Good luck.
Jyl Inov
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THURSDAY, JANUARY 10
WHO'S BAD
THE ULTIMATE MICHAEL
JACKSON TRIBUTE BAND
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FRIDAY, JANUARY 11
HEAVY PETS
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THE INFAMOUS
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COMING SOON
1/23 ZOSO
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ALL SHALL PERISH S BATTLECROSS
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2/19 THE RANGERS feat. JIMMY HERRING.
WAYNE KRANTZ, MICHAEL LANDAU.
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JANUARY 9, 2013 ??? FLAGPOLE.COM 27