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MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
Jyl is taking some vacation time. This column
is reprinted from the July 16, 2008 Flagpole.
I have a very good friend who I have known
for several years. Her birthday is corning up. I
know this because she brings it up at least once
every few days for a month or two beforehand.
There is, of course, a big to-do planned,
even though we are well into our 20s, and I
don't see why every birthday has to be such a
big deal. She has invited a sizable
group of people to dinner. Her
birthday falls on a Tuesday,
which is wholly inconve
nient for everyone else,
and I tried to tell her as
much, but she won't hear
it. I know damned well
that half of her "friends"
won't be there, not
that I blame them,
and she will inevitably
be disappointed. (Can
you tell I have been
through this before?)
Also, she will expect
those of us who are there
to pick up the tab for her
meal, which isn't a big deal, but it would be
even less of a deal if we could all go on Friday,
Saturday or Sunday. The thing is, I know her
other friends, but I am not their friend. We all
know each other only through this girl, so I
have no one else to talk to about this.
Okay, so now I have a huge problem: I am
starting a new job that day. I will not be able
to make it, even though I agreed a month ago
to be therefor her dinner. I have no idea how
to tell her because it is going to be a big deal
no matter what. I know she is going to be
really upset, and I don't want to deal with it.
I am one of the few peo
ple who consistently
deals with her through
thick and thin, and no ???
matter what I say it
won't be good enough.
So, here's the dilemma:
Should I tell her ahead of
time that I can't go, in
which case she will give
me grief from now until
way after that day, or
should I tell her I'll be
there, not show up, and
apologize later?
Rock???Me???Hard Place
Normally, I am a propo
nent of being upfront, RMHP.
In this case however, an old saying
springs to mind: "It is easier to ask
forgiveness than permission." The bot
tom tine is that this needy, pain-in-the-
ass friend of yours (and you never did
say WHY you were her friend, since she
is clearly not yours) is going to whine
and carry on regardLess of what you do.
At least if you pretend that you might
make it, you can get through your first day
at your new job without having had her nag
ging you for a week beforehand. You can just
call her after the fact and apoLogize, and see
if maybe she wants to get together that week
end. If she decides not to forgive you, then
you'll Likely be better off. But, I don't see that
happening, since you are obviously one of the
only people insane enough to put up with her
shit.
| sn
IM ???
, y . / I
Should you decide to go the truth route,
just say it. Don't hem and haw, and don't
leave room for her to get manipulative on your
ass. Just say, "Hey, it turns out I'm not going
to be able to make it... new job blah bLah
blah," and ask if she wants to get together at
the weekend. Don't leave her room to argue. If
she tries, you might want to tell her to think
about somebody else for a minute. Or some
thing. Sheesh.
My best friend is a woman. We have
known each other for a really long
time, longer than I have known my
wife. I have never had any feel
ings for my best friend other
than strictly platonic ones,
and as far as I know the
feeling is mutual. My wife
knows this, and there has
never been an issue. I often
go out with my friend when
my wife is either at home or out
with her other friends. My best
friend and I are often mis
taken for a couple, which is
natural and not really a big
deal to either of us. I have a
very happy marriage, and my wife and I trust
each other implicitly.
The problem is that some of my friends
seem to think that my best friend and I are
more than friends, or at very least that she has
"a thing" for me. It is really uncomfortable for
me since I would never, ever even think about
cheating. It makes me mad because my guy
friends should know me better, and I feet like
it also devalues my friendship with my best
friend. I know they don't really think I would
do anything, but I am totally sick of the jokes
and remarks, and I know it makes my friend
uncomfortable too. AM I being too sensitive?
Is there a way to make this stop without the
whole ???Thou doth protest too much" problem?
Help!
Totally Married
First, bravo to your wife for being cool.
And bully to you for making both your
friendship and your marriage work. There
isn't much you can do about
the assumptions of a waiter,
but if your guy friends are
going to continue to
be jackasses, it may
be time to find new
friends. Are they giv
ing you shit because
it amuses them and
they know it pisses you
off, or is it possible that they
reaLLy aren't sure? The reason I ask is
because if they know it bothers you
and it amuses them, then fight
ing back will onLy make it worse.
Depending on their personalities,
if they know they are reaLLy getting under
your skin they might redouble their
efforts. But, if they are adults, and truly
your friends, and if they're just giving you
shit because they have nothing else to talk
about, then you need to set them straight
once and for aLL. TeLL them that it isn't cool to
suggest that you might cheat, and that it is
disrespectful of you, your wife, and your best
friend. Ask them seriously to not bring it up
again because it really pisses you off.
Jyl Inov
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