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MAHERS OF THE HEART AND LOINS
Editor???s Note: We???re running items from some of Jyl???s old columns
until a new advice columnist turns up, and, guess what? A new
advice columnist has shown up and will soon be answering your
questions in this space. Meanwhile, send in your questions at
advice@flagpole.com, so that our new columnist can begin help
ing you sort things out.
So, I'm seeing this girl. We have a lot of the same friends,
but for some reason, we only met a few months ago. Things
are pretty good, but I have been wanting to keep things casual
because I need time to get over my last girlfriend
and because I might be moving when school
is over. She says that's what she wants,
too, but all signs point to ???looking for a
boyfriend." Whenever I say that, she gets
offended and pouts and tries to make a
big point out of looking at other guys or
whatever. It makes me feel weird and feel
sorry for her in a way, and kind of guilty.
The thing is, I really like her, and
in a lot of ways I can see myself hav
ing a serious relationship with her if
I stay and if things go well. But she
does weird stuff like look through my
text messages or scroll through the calls
on my phone while I'm in the bathroom. I
have tried to talk to her about it, always in
a very non-confrontational and non-public
way (meaning that when she does this shit and other people
are around or we're partying, I wait until we're alone and sober
to try to talk to her about it), but she always blows it off, turns
it into ???I was joking around! You're so serious! I thought you
didn't want to be serious?" and all that. What am I doing wrong
here? I want to be a good guy, but I feel like I can't win with
this girl.
Good Guy
conversations about the future. He is in his upper 30s, never
married, and I am in my early 30s and divorced. It really seems
like the perfect match.
Also, he has a female roommate. And I never thought any
thing of it at first, but then one day he said that he was going
to ask her to move out because she has feelings for him. OK,
whatever. But then it kind of bothered me, so the next time I
talked to him I asked him if anything had happened between
them. He said that they had slept together, but that it was over
a year ago and nothing had happened since. I wasn't happy
about it, but I let it go. So, he told her to move out, and he
said she started crying.
Then he had to have surgery, and he has been
mostly MIA since. We talk on the phone every day,
but he never comes to see me, and never wants
to do anything. He says he doesn't want me
to see him like he is. He's all depressed, and
I never see him. And now I don't know what
to do. His roommate is still there, too. And I
hate that I'm thinking of this, but I assume
she's taking care of him, and it bothers me.
Whenever I talk to him everything seems fine
between us, but since I never see him anymore I
have no idea where this is going. Normally I am
not anything like this. I don't understand what's
happening to me. I'm usually quite confident
and this is throwing me.
What am I supposed to do? I feel like an
idiot for being this way. I know if any one of my friends came to
me with this situation I would tell them they were crazy and to
drop the guy. But I am having a hard time letting go. Plus I feel
bad leaving him if he's just depressed because of the surgery and
stuff. But it's been almost three weeks and I am going crazy.
What do you think?
Waiting
What you're doing wrong is trying to be honest and adult
when this girl is obviously not ready. Snooping through your
phone is not a joke; it's paranoid,
intrusive and weird. She's passive-
aggressive, petulant and childish.
Your reasons for keeping it casual are
sound, and if she can't hear you, then
she's just not listening.
OK, so there is a girl that is a friend of
a friend. Turns out she has a big crush on
me. We get along great, have similar tastes in
music, art, everything that would make us a great
match. She is quite pretty, but the only problem for me is
that she is a little (15-20 lbs) overweight. Fitness is really
important to me as I do personal training, run marathons,
etc. Overall it is a large part of my life. Should I just accept
that we don't share the same
priorities for fitness or is there
anything I can do to let her
know that I would be really
interested if only she incorporated a
healthier lifestyle?
Anonymous
How about: "Hey, I hear you have a
crush on me. Do you think you can drop 20
pounds by next Saturday so we can go out?"
Yeesh. Just because fitness is a big part of
your life, Anonymous, doesn't mean it has
to be a big part of hers. I think if you really
like this girl you should give it a try. Maybe
if things work out, she will start to get more
active and fitness will be more of a
priority. Or maybe your priorities will
change.
I have been hanging out with this guy
for a couple of months. We have everything in
common???same values, same politics, we like the
same music, we both have military experience, etc. Our relation
ship has been strictly platonic so far, but we have had some
I don't really understand what you're waiting for, Waiting.
You're not even in a relationship with this guy and already he's
playing games with you. What exactly do you think you have
to look forward to once you start sleeping together? If you
had such a good thing going, and you were talking about
the future, then why would he not want you to see him
just because he's in recovery? And what reason do
you have to trust him about the roommate? It
sounds to me like he's bullshitting both of
you. He's either a man-child or a liar, and
either way, I can't for the life of me figure
out why you would start planning your future
with him. Look at it this way: you weren't
dating anyway, and now you haven't seen him
in a couple of weeks. So, what's the big loss?
If you just cut him off, all you will lose is a
lot of bother and second-guessing yourself.
And if you stick around and wait, what do you
have to gain? At best, an inconsiderate ado
lescent, and at worst, a lying, manipulative
jackass who makes you feel worthless and
doubt yourself. Is that a guy you really want
in your future? Take your own advice and get
out now. Stop calling, stop taking his calls.
Block his number. And hey, it's not like he can
chase you if he's bedridden, right? Do not invest
any more time or energy in him.
I met a girl whom I really like over at my
friend's house. We exchanged numbers after
talking for a couple of hours. I want to
ask her out but I don't want to seem too
eager. When do I call?
Slowpoke
My God, I hope you don't
wait for an answer from me
before calling. You know, papers have
lead time. Yikes. I hope you gave in and called. For the record,
though, there is no specific amount of time. No magic formula.
Just do it.
Jyl Inov
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