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that gets more complex daily are so first-world boomer.
Suffice it to say, when a remote first came to my house,
there was just one, and now I have four—for one TV.
I wave them around, synchronizing points, clicks and
now scrolls, like an orchestral conductor privy to a secret
language whose success depends on perfect adherence to
cryptic directives. When I succeed, achieving my viewing
goal, it’s embarrassingly satisfying, whereas if I fail (again),
I’m consumed by frustration and shame. Technology inferi
ority complex will be a diagnosed disorder, if it isn’t already.
Years ago, my daughter sat me down on the couch for
a final tutelage before she left for college. She said, “There
are things you don’t know about using the remote.” I said,
“Really? ’Cause I can get the TV on almost every time now.”
She then took me on a tour of the many buttons that
were a mystery to me, unveiling options that amazed me.
Neglecting to use those options regularly, that esoteric
knowledge is now buried beneath how to pair my phone.
After all this time gazing at remote buttons, I’ve begun
to identify with them:
Go ahead, put it down.
Which remote button most closely resembles the way
you navigate through life? (Facebook probably has a survey
on this already.)
Is your POWER status on or off? No judgment, just
askin’.
Hit TOP MENU to reveal what is currently trending in
your life.
INPUT tells us your mode/mood, not to mention your
communication style. Are you being heard, or would
SUBTITLES be helpful? Maybe you should try listening for
a change and go MUTE.
Struggling with existential angst? Find the GUIDE.
RECALL will kindly return you to the path you were on.
I have been guilty of FASTFORWARD-ing through much
of my life, but now, on the back end, I find myself in a
thoughtful REPLAY tendency.
But the button I most identify with is PAUSE.
Pause your life, your mind, your show, and process. Or
not—just pause to pause.
But whatever button you choose, remember that some
require an extra step—your engagement. Hit ENTER.
Now, put down the remote.
STEPS FOR INSTRUCTIONS
By Steve Piazza
1. Learn how to read.
2. Select appropriate instructions.
3. Read instructions.
4. In order (mostly).
5. Follow instructions, unless they do not make sense.
6. If they do not make sense, reread the instructions.
V continued on next page
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