Newspaper Page Text
ET ITO-V hey, bonita...
My Friend Used the N-Word
ADVICE FOR ATHENS’ LOOSE AND LOVELORN
By Bonita Applebum advice@flagpole.com
Hey Bonita,
Sol was riding around helping my friend
with errands one afternoon when we started
talking about Black Lives Matter. I’m Black
and was just talking about how overwhelmed I
was feeling by everything happening across the
country, along with my general stress of being
a Black woman in America, using the tendency
of white people to describe me as aggressive as
an example. Her response really threw me for
a loop—my friend, who is unmistakably white,
started talking about how people look at her
“community” in that way as well. What com
munity? Sicilian Americans. She told me about
how Sicilians are typically
more “dark skinned”
than other
Italians because of
“cross-breeding
with the
Moors"
difference, however, is that my friend didn’t
also go out of her way to stereotype and
insult African Americans, too.
I think it’s important to keep in mind
that she meant well and was trying to
empathize, though that doesn’t make her
use of a racial slur OK. I think she thought
that she was invited to the cookout, as they
say, and got way the hell ahead of herself.
There’s no disputing the othering of Italian
immigrants in American society of the late
1800s and early 1900s, and that history
must certainly still influence the Italian-
American experience to a degree. Sicilians
were othered even more so within their
community, of course, and
it’s perfectly fine
for the
and how
her family is
loud and uses
lots of corporal pun
ishment. She then stated
that other nationalities refer to
Sicilians as “Italian n ****** s .”
I was blown away! I told her to never use
a racial slur around me again, and reminded
her that there is no way that the experience of
Sicilians could be compared in any way to that
of Black Americans. And does she really think
that all Black people are loud and beat their
children? I am furious. Should I follow up with
her or just ghost her ignorant ass?
Sincerely,
Appalled
Dear Appalled,
What?! I shouted out loud when I read
that, hand to God. Not because I was
surprised, but because I had the same
experience in undergraduate school with
a friend. I went to college in a part of the
South that has a large population of Italian
Americans, and one of my homies once
went on and on about the same thing, even
daring to use that same slur in reference
to themselves. I only wish I’d been as con
fident in my response as you were, and I
decided to ghost her. But honestly, I regret
having done that because it was a teachable
moment, and back then I wasn’t so fatigued
by racial justice that I was happy to walk a
friend through a painful issue for me. The
Sicilian
experience
and the Black
experience to exist
alongside each other.
One doesn’t have to be better
or worse than the other. Your friend’s priv
ilege kept her from seeing how her empa-
thetic statement was actually serving to
minimize and silence your own experience.
It’s unintentional “whataboutism,” and I
mean that—I really don’t think she meant
harm, from what you describe here. I’d be
interested to know if she apologized or
tried to explain herself in any way. I mean,
every white person in America must know
by now that the N-word is off limits to
them, now and forever. That’s the part that
makes me scratch my head the most: Where
the hell did she get the idea that saying that
would be OK? It’s the only part that makes
me hesitant to recommend following up,
because she could very well accuse you of
reverse racism (not a real thing) or get so
defensive that you can’t have a productive
conversation at all. You know her temper
ament better than I do, so that’s your call.
I’m leaning towards a follow-up here, but I
would not judge you for ghosting her. In a
perfect world, she’d know that she was in
the wrong, and she’d reach out on her own
to initiate this conversation. I hope that
happens, but you have the right to contact
her yourself and explain her transgression
to her. ©
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