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Nancee Tomlinson
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hey, bonita...
My Partner’s
Is Too Clingy
ADVICE FOR ATHENS’ LOOSE AND LOVELORN
By Bonita Applebum advice@flagpole.com
Hi Bonita,
My partner was raised by a single mom. He
has issues (understandably) with dads and his
dad in particular. He’s also very protective of
his mom, which I also understand.
His mom has pretty fancy taste, which I
totally respect, hut I’ve also gotten the vibe
that I’m not of the right pedigree for her son,
despite being a professional myself. Also, she
demands a lot of his time, and he feels pres
sured and melts down a lot in regard to this or
lashes out at me. (I’ll want to spend the week
end together, and he’ll break down because he
doesn’t have enough alone time after hanging
with his mom every day after work.) He has a
hard time managing his time around our rela
tionship and his relationship with his mom. My
partner is awesome, hut he’s very affected by
all this, and I get the brunt of it. There are also
times he’s said stuff to me
that seems straight
out of his mom’s
mouth.
I
want to
have a good
relationship
with his mom, so I
have no desire to accuse
her of anything or him of not
knowing how to break away. At the end of the
day, I’ve been through enough family drama of
my own, and 1 know that everyone, my partner
included, has limitations. There’s a lot of talk
of his mom being “old” and alone (therefore
needing extra love and attention), which both
ers me, as she is several years younger than my
parents and has had several partners of her
own that she’s sent packing because, as she
states, “The only man I need is my son.” I don’t
have it in me to challenge this stuff or even
think it’s my place. I fear that my partner will
put his mom first and never really commit or be
fully present in our relationship. Friends raised
by single parents have told me that this is just
the way it is, and he’s not going to get out of it
ever, so best for him to find someone who gets
it. Should I say goodbye? It would break both of
our hearts, but I can’t see having a third person
in the relationship or an ongoing doubt about
the quality of person I am. Please help, Bonita,
I don’t want perfection, just less intensity.
Three’s a Crowd
that out of
him, but you
can be confident
and uncompromising
in boundaries that you
establish for yourself. Your partner should
not be discussing the dirty details of your
relationship with your mom, he should not
be allowing her to badmouth you, and he
should be directing his stress and anger
properly instead of lashing out at you,
which is the detail here that I dislike the
most. I wouldn’t blame you for saying good
bye to a man who likes to take out his anger
and frustration on you, but he needs to
understand that this behavior isn’t appro
priate or tolerable by any means. Stay if you
like, but I’d bet you a dollar that he’s been
dumped over his mom before. He is walking
around here thinking that spending time
with his mom to the point of a meltdown is
acceptable and that lashing out at his girl
friend about it is OK, too. He needs to grow
up, with or without you. ©
Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com or
use our anonymous online form at flagpole.com/
get-advice.
Hey there, Crowded,
First off, don’t believe your friends who
say that all single parents are clingy, nosy
curmudgeons who can’t let go of their kids.
The nature of their relationship is clearly
problematic, and a single-parent household
is not the prerequisite here. Also, state
ments that equate someone’s progeny with
their sexual partners (like “the only man I
need is my son”) are a sign of much deeper
issues than loving your kid too much, and—
honestly? It’s GROSS. Stop saying that,
parents!
You already seem to know that your boy
friend needs to lay down some hard bound
aries with his mom—the lashing out and
breakdowns are not a sign of happiness. But
it’s clear he feels beholden to his mom, and
you can’t force him to change the nature
of that relationship. I’d say that it’s not
even your place to demand
18 FLAGPOLE.COM | JANUARY 13, 2021