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EEDE^ hey, bonita...
My Friend Used a Racial Slur
ADVICE FOR ATHENS’ AGHAST AND TAKEN ABACK
By Bonita Applebum advice@flagpole.com
Hey Bonita,
I’m having a huge issue. A white internet
friend of mine is one of my good friends. We
talk about the same TV shows and such, and
it’s great to have someone to fangirl over them
with. But I was on FaceTime with her one day,
and we were talking about how this really
pretty character was dating an average Joe,
and she said, “For real, she’s so gorgeous, and
she’s with this n****r.” Immediately after, she
said she was sorry, that she shouldn’t have
said that, that she didn’t mean for it to come
out, and not to judge her. I said, “I do judge
a bit,” and was surprised, but I was glad she
knew it was wrong. But she proceeded to say
that she hardly ever says it and never with a
hard “r,” and that she only says it to her (white)
dad who also says it. She also said most of the
time she doesn’t say the whole thing, just the
first three letters. She then
proceeded to say the
first three letters.
I was taken aback
and pretty
uncomfort
able.
thinking that she’s still a good person.
This is garbage behavior, and she knows
so, because she’s only got the stones to use
hate speech in front of other privileged peo
ple like herself. I find it possible that maybe
she was testing the waters and seeing how
you’d react if she dropped a casual N-bomb,
determining if you were also cool with hate
speech. Because she’s definitely cool with it
herself.
As a privileged person, you’re in a unique
position. I believe that it is not the job of
oppressed people to educate their oppres
sors in 2021, not when there’s so much
media and info available that explains to
white people why using racial slurs is bad.
Also, we usually have to navigate a lot of
defensiveness and self-centering out of
privileged people who are called to task—
look at the Sharon Osbourne situation
for a perfect example. That
alone can be trig
gering and
She
also
said she
only says
the first three
letters because it’s
an inside joke with her
dad, and that they are most defi
nitely not racist. This didn’t make me feel any
better, because what could the joke be about,
you know?
Anyway, I could really use some advice on
what to do. As a white woman, I want to make
sure I go about this the right way. I had an old
friend who would throw the word around, and
I tried to educate her, but she didn’t listen, so
I had to end the friendship. And since we don’t
live in the same place, I don’t know if she will
decide to just not say it to me but still say it
whenever else. Please help me!
Confused and Frustrated
Dear Confused and Frustrated,
It seems to me like you know exactly
what to do, because you’ve done it before.
This woman knows that she’s completely
in the wrong for using a racial slur that is
not hers to reappropriate in any way, and
it’s extra mind-blowing for me because she
uses the term in a derogatory manner with
her trashcan of a father while somehow
fatigue-in
ducing to the
point that the
conversation sim
ply isn’t worth it for us.
I regularly tell my margin
alized friends to walk away from hair-split
ting and devil’s advocacy, because the
people taking those positions often do so
in bad faith and with no desire or intention
to learn anything. They’re just mad because
they got called out and enjoy “triggering the
libs,” whatever that means.
I say all of this to point out that you
don’t have that particular kind of collective
trauma to deal with, plus she will be less
defensive when hearing this from some
one who looks like her. Talking to her and
sending her a few articles about hate speech
could be really helpful for her, but I also
support you just ending this friendship if
she tries to act pigheaded about all this.
She is nothing but wrong, and she’ll either
acknowledge that and become a better per
son, or she’ll lose her friend. ©
Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com or
use our anonymous online form at flagpole.com/
get-advice.
10 FLAGPOLE.COM | MARCH 31, 2021