Newspaper Page Text
EDE^ Hey, bonita...
Should I Explore My New Boo’s Kinks?
ADVICE FOR ATHENS’LOOSE AND LOVELORN
By Bonita Applebum advice@flagpole.com
Hey Bonita,
I got rejected by someone I was very inter
ested in not too long ago, but I started dating
other people right away ‘cause damn, I have
needs, sexual needs! After a few dates (and
before sleeping together) this lovely person
let me know he’s into domination. So my
question here is about trying new things that
don’t appeal to me at all. Do I try it and see if
I like it? We had a good [conversation] about
our expectations around it, yet deep down it
just seems like it’s not my thing. Sex is already
so performative for cis women, and his kinks
would be around additional performance. Also,
he’s a straight cis guy; I’m a queer cis woman;
I’m not into the textbook guy
dominating the lady
vibes this gives off
for lots of stereo
typical reasons.
I don’t want
to yuck
with you if he wasn’t; he’d just jump in and
expect you to play along, which is what hap
pened to me. We exchanged maybe three
sentences before I told him to kick rocks
for pulling something so egregious on me,
and hopefully he’s somewhere now being
smarter about his kinks. He was also well-
known around town for sending unsolicited
photos of his junk to women, so I highly
doubt it.
That soft-headed idiot was absolutely an
outlier in my experience of the BDSM com
munity, and your guy sounds like someone
who understands the public perceptions
and apprehensions that most people have
about his fetish. Your guy sounds like he’s
not being pushy about it,
and that’s respect
able as hell,
any
one’s
yum
here, and
I’m not judging
anyone’s moti
vations, I just want
to know if this is some
thing people have been hesitant
to try and then liked. Maybe my own biases
are keeping me from experiencing something
potentially freeing? Or maybe this just isn’t
my vibe, and I’m lying to myself? And maybe
there’s a million vanilla people to bone that
are into what I’m into and I should just go find
them. Anyway, let me know what you think
about this, or if you’re seeing something I’m
not about the situation.
Reluctant Sub?
Note: First off, I want readers to know that BDSM
stands tor "bondage, domination, submission and
masochism,” and practitioners have their own con
ventions around capitalization to reflect the hierarchy
of the roles that participants choose for themselves. I
will not be following those capitalization norms.
Hey Reluctant,
I’ve been in your exact position before,
and I also gave it a try, but I quickly (and
I mean quickly, like right then in the
moment) realized that this was not some
thing I was into and called it all off. Power
exchange and BDSM are sexual proclivities
that require lots of informed consent to
be fulfilling for all parties involved, and
I think that your guy clearly knows that.
He wouldn’t be so willing to talk this out
but if
you’re
not into
it, then
you’re not
into it. I would
recommend
reading and watch
ing some documentaries
about the community before
trying this play yourself, but I don’t get the
sense that you even want to go that far. If
that’s the case, then you shouldn’t—your
feelings are valid, and you don’t owe him
this kind of play, after all. But still, this is a
great learning opportunity for you, and I’d
definitely recommend seeking out literature
from people who are active in the commu
nity as opposed to non-kinky academics
who can sometimes lose the forest for the
trees on topics like this. Kayla Lords is a
submissive woman who blogs about BDSM
and sex in general, and her blog chronicles
her journey from mid-life divorce to figur
ing out she’s a sub. Check out her website
for writing directly from a member of that
community.
Plenty of people who are into BDSM
have relationships with folks who aren’t, so
I don’t think of this development as a deal-
breaker. Maybe this will just be a thing that
y’all don’t do with each other, but that’s a
conversation for you to have with your boo.
I think you’re in a good spot to learn about
something new that your partner enjoys,
even if you’re not into it yourself. O
Email advice@flagpole.com, or use our anonymous
online form at flagpole.com/get-advice.
BEI]I> good growing
Plant a Tree
NOW THROUGH FEBRUARY IS THE TIME
By Erin France news@flagpole.com
I know some folks dream of a snowy
winter, but here in Georgia, I’m thinking
about trees—and not just the decorated
Christmas variety.
Winter is the best time to plant trees
and larger woody shrubs in the South. Our
ground doesn’t freeze solid like it does in
the great frozen tundra that is the North,
and with relatively wet winters, you don’t
have to worry about remembering to water
until the spring. Planting dormant trees
gives the saplings an opportunity to slowly
grow roots without spending additional
energy on leaves and flowers.
Pick trees that fit your locations: Here
in the Athens-area, our growing zone is
8A. Only choose outdoor plants fit for that
zone. Pick trees based on your environ
ment and do a few book- or internet-based
searches to find what’s likely to work best
for home and wallet. Dogwoods, for exam
ple, bloom best in the full sun, but survive
best in the partial shade of a larger tree.
Ginkgos shine gold in their fall coloring,
and they demand a much higher price
because of their popularity. The paw
paw, a native Georgia fruit tree, can set
its banana-flavored fruit in the shade,
but the flowers smell of rotten meat to
attract its preferred pollinators.
Plant the right size tree: I buy
larger trees when I can find a good
deal. Otherwise, I buy small (1-2 foot)
bare root saplings. The stick-like plants
grow slowly in pots on my porch for a
year or two before they move into their
final homes in the ground. The Arbor
Day Foundation recommends planting
bare root saplings much like the larger
trees. With bumbling puppies, munch
ing goats, pecking chickens and plenty
of hungry, roaming deer, I’ve found it
easier to protect saplings on the porch
to give them a fair shot at surviving.
Watch out for right-of-ways:
Georgia Power gets 10 feet on each
side of its primary electric lines as
right-of-way. The secondary line (the
one to your house) is your responsi
bility. Forestry crews come out every
couple of years to hack back greenery
touching or near the primary line. One
apple tree wasn’t far enough away and
died because its roots were smashed by
heavy machinery driving across them. I
have three more apple trees to move this
winter because I didn’t think of this. And
it’s not just Georgia Power. Road crews can
spray herbicides and cut back vegetation
obscuring drivers’ views. Any trees planted
near a septic line or tank is a bad idea, too.
Remember to call 811 before you start
digging holes to avoid costly mistakes.
My mom sliced the power lines to our
house—twice—in the thrall of an exciting
gardening project she couldn’t wait to start.
I promise, it’s worth it to double check.
Dig out, not down: Ready to start shovel
ing? Aim for digging at least two times the
width of the sapling’s pot. The Arbor Day
Foundation recommends a hole three to
four times wider than the tree’s container.
Keep the hole’s depth to how deep the tree
is nested in its current container. On the
whole, tree roots need more space to spread
out than down.
Mulch it, mulch it good: This is one step
I’ve tried to skip, and found it necessary.
The mulch protects the saplings’ roots from
the widely varying temperatures of a cli
mate change-affected winter and suppresses
weeds. I use 3-4 inches of wood chips and
spread it about 3 feet wide around the base
of the tree. Avoid making a mulch volcano,
and do not cover the base of the trunk with
mulch. This can cause rot and disease. Leave
at least an inch or two of space between the
trunk and the mulch.
Potting it up: Don’t have a yard? You can
still care for a tree. You will need enough
space for a very large pot, so this won’t
work for the smallest of gardens. While
there are plenty of online suggestions, I
*«»•*>><£, r%
Remember to dig a hole that’s at least twice as wide as
the tree’s root ball.
think Japanese maples are the way to go if
you’re in the market for a single tree. They
pack a pretty punch, waving beautifully
colored, lacey leaves on sometimes red, pink
or purple bark. Some varieties are smaller
than others, but almost all grow slowly.
Watering year-round: A sapling needs
steady irrigation, about 1 inch a week,
during its first year in the ground. Georgia’s
wet winters usually take care of three
months of watering for me. Come April,
I’ll install a soaker hose across my newly
planted trees and run it 2-3 hours about
twice a week, depending on rainfall.
If you’re interested in learning more, or watching
a video on how to plant a tree, visit the Arbor Day
Foundation website at arborday.org.
DECEMBER 14, 2022- FLAGPOLE.COM
7
ERIN FRANCE