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HOUSTON HOME JOURNAL
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Stop being a statistic, stop the violence
Dear Readers, October
is Domestic Violence
Awareness Month. As
such, I would like to step away, in
this week’s col
umn, from dis
cussing purely
legal matters
and discuss a lit
tle about domes
tic violence.
Most “batter
ers” are men
in heterosexual
relationships
who abuse their
Jim Rockefeller
The “Law” man
female partners in an attempt to
dominate them and feel like they
have all the “power” and “con
trol.”
However, domestic violence also
plagues gay relationships and,
in fact, the genesis for stopping
domestic violence actually started
in the gay and lesbian commu
nities. Domestic Violence is the
largest cause of injury to women
- period!
How does a leader coach employees?
As a leader in your
organization, is it
your impression
that your job is to tell your
employees
what
needs to
be done?
My expe
rience is
different
from that.
I think
most
employ
ees know
what
Dennis Hooper
Leaders Building
Leaders
should be done. They just
need occasional support from
the boss.
I encourage leaders to
become good coaches. Rather
than telling employees what
to do, coaches ask how they
can support their efforts. For
some, it’s a hard transition!
When I talk about being
a coach, most leaders think
immediately of an athletic
coach. This reinforces the
image of someone telling the
players what to dq. I offer a
different picture.
Consider a stage coach like
you see in a western movie.
That kind of coach takes peo
ple from where they are now
to where they want to go - a
much better perspective for a
business coach!
Employees want to be suc
cessful, but don’t always
know how to make that hap
pen. So they welcome collab
orating with someone they
know has their best interests
in mind.
Coaching involves help
ing an employee size up the
situation, get clear on the
desired outcomes, consider
options for getting there,
choose the option with the
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The core of domestic violence are
issues of power, control, and self
esteem. Batterers lack self-esteem,
typically from growing up in vio
lent families or ones riddled with
addiction. Because of self-loathing,
the Batterer’s greatest fear is that
his partner will leave him. The
Batterer wears down his partner’s
self-esteem with criticisms of intel
ligence, weight, religion, spending
habits, choice of friends, etc. Hence,
a Batterer drags his partner down
to his level of low self-esteem with
psychological abuse and by isolat
ing the victim from her family and
friends.
Victims of domestic violence are
often unrecognizable after years
of cycling through the mind-games
played by their Batterer. These
relationships start out with the
Victim believing she has found
her “Prince Charming.” It is not
uncommon for someone trapped in
a violent relationship to share the
same type of violent or addictive
background as her Batterer. Thus,
greatest probability of suc
cess, or prepare to execute
the necessary action.
Size up the situation.
We all see the world through
our own filters and experi
ences. Things are not always
as they seem.
Your employee may want
your perspective on what
happened that created the
circumstances that now
exist.
Get clear on the desired
outcomes. Any action
which might be taken has
both short-term and long
term outcomes. The ten
dency we all have is to go
for what will provide imme
diate satisfaction, yet there
are always long-term effects.
Your employee may want
your help in determining
what long-term relationship
and reputation you want to
establish.
Consider options. There
are always multiple ways to
do anything. Unfortunately,
we often get stuck on the
first idea that comes to mind.
Experienced individuals
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know that the initial idea
isn’t always the best one.
When your employee comes
to you and says, “What do
you think I should do?” avoid
the temptation to give an
answer. Instead, consider
responding, “I’m not sure,
but I’ll help you think of
some possibilities!”
Choose the option with
the highest probability
of success. Nobody knows
“the right thing” for every
situation. And since noth
ing in this world is guaran
teed, we should make our
choices based on the most
likely results of our actions.
That requires an evaluation
of probabilities, and collab
orative thinking helps when
speculating what might
happen with each potential
action step.
Prepare to execute the
chosen action. Sometimes
the preferred behavior is one
the employee has never expe
rienced. Offer to role-play
the situation, being willing
to act out whatever part the
employee desires. Maybe the
Come see
Bobby Jones at
Paul Walsh Honda
WWW.WALSHHONDA.COM
(478) 788-4510
CELL (478) 396-1960
OPINION
"These relationships
start out with the
Victim believing she
has found her 'Prince
Charming."'
the sense of being initially put on
a pedestal, and treated like royalty,
may fulfill her deepest desires; yet,
she may also be inclined to accept
violence as a sign of love, as an echo
of what she learned growing up.
These relationships progress
through a “Cycle of Violence”
from its fantasy-like beginning to
uncontrolled outbursts, as issues
of power and control become more
prominent. The Batterer moves
through stages of griping to a
tense stand-off until a “triggering
event” (which can be as innocuous
as serving him a cold meal) triggers
the violence. The violence usually
employee prefers to practice
the anticipated behaviors,
with you being the other per
son involved.
Or perhaps the employee
wants to play the other per
son, preferring to see how
you would handle whatev
er hard questions might be
encountered.
If you’ve coached a little
league baseball team or your
child’s soccer team, you’ll
find that coaching adults is
very different. Coaching chil
dren involves a lot of teach
ing and giving direction.
Coaching adults requires
asking questions that stimu
late thinking and the assump
tion of responsibility.
The individual will grow
in both awareness and skill
level if he or she is generat-
153328
541 S‘>
starts when the Batterer feels like
he “owns” his partner, after mov
ing in together, getting married,
pregnancy, or child-birth. After the
outburst, the Batterer goes back
to being “Prince Charming” again,
promising he won’t do it again,
telling his partner he only acts this
way because he loves her so much;
sometimes even falsely implying
she was at fault for making him
angry.
This cycle, then, repeats itself
through this progression, over and
over again, with each promise to
stop being broken by violence. It
spins faster and faster, with less
time between violent acts, and each
time the violence escalates.
This cycle is broken when the
victim regains her self-esteem
and becomes the woman she once
was and fulfills the promise of
her youth. When she does so, she
will leave her Batterer, protect her
children, and return to the safety
of her family and friends; she will
realize that she is not responsible
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SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2007 ♦
ing the options and making
the decisions.
You can help by creating
an environment of trust and
support!
Dennis Hooper is a cer
tified leadership develop
ment coach, helping leaders
be more effective in building
future leaders. To contact
Assessing Your
Leadership Skills
-SBS/person
J.CvJ
Robins Federal
EDIT UNION
(478) 923 3773
(800) 241.2405
for her Batterer’s anger, she has
options in life, she has self-worth,
and that a life as a perpetual victim
is not living.
No one need live in a violent
household; everyone has options to
escape a batterer. Houston County
has an excellent Salvation Army
Safe House (923-6294), which along
with HODAC (953-5675), offers
services for battered women. And
there is a plethora of information
available on in the internet, start
ing with the “National Coalition
of Domestic Violence Awareness.”
Stop being a statistic and Stop the
Violence!
Local attorney Jim Rockefeller
owns the Rockefeller Law Center
and is a former Chief Assistant
District Attorney for Houston
County, and a former Florida
Assistant State Attorney. E-mail
confidential legal questions to
ajr@rockefellerlawcenter.com. Visit
www.rockefellerlawcenter.com for
past columns and Frequently Asked
Questions.
Dennis, call 478-988-0237
or e-mail at dhooper2@juno.
com.
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F. Dennis Hooper
Certified
Leadership Development Coach
Building leaders and
organizations of excellence
(478) 988-0237 dhooper2@juno.com
5A
153823
830 Hwy. 26 - Elko
(478) 954-1507
5 1253
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