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Stars and Stripes
Truly, as Bryon says:
“History » with all her volumes
vast
Hath but one Page.”
* - .
Young bridal .couple off to
Paris to seek novelties im the
tango might try the matrimot.ial
one-step first,
s * *
Kentucky passes a State-wide
prohibition bill, but nobody will
believe it has anything to do with
the lLiquor question,
» * *
We have a larger army along
the Rio Grande than we had be
fore Santiago in the Spanish war.
To keep the Mexicans in order?
No, to prevent Americans from
recovering their property by chas
ing bandits across the border.
That Boy Again!
In a class of twenty boys, nine
teen are probably afraid of the ex
aminer; but the betting is, that the
examiner himself is terrified of the
twentieth. Certainly this was the
case of the poor old gentleman who
had to examine the class of which
little Sammy was the twentieth —and
last—member.
“Now, my: lad,” quoth he, “what
lessons do you like best?”
This was too silly, Sammy mere
ly sniffed, thereby expressing his un
bounded contempt.
“Do you like mathematics, now ?”
“] 'ates ’em!” i
“\Well, we won't waste much tim=»
on that subject, then. Tell me how
many sides has a circle got?”
“Two! The inside and the outside.”
(Suppressed cheers.)
“H'm! We will pass on to moral
philosophy. Do you know anything
about cause and effect?”
OyaEr:
“Ah, that's better! Now, does an
effect ever go before a cause?”
yunl”
“Oh, indeed! Just give me an ¢x
ample,- will you?”
“Yus!” A man pushin’ a wheelbar
row!”
(More cheers—not suppressed.)
Food for Reflection.
“We are united in this movement,”
said a physiologist, apropos of a fight
against the drug habit. “Yes, a sin
gle thought possesses us, and in that
respect we're like Mr.-and Mrs. Smith.
At 3 a. m. of a bitter cold morning
Mrs. Smith in her thin night gown
was pacing the floor with her colic
tormented babe in her ' arms. The
babe's squawks of pain were terrible,
yet they were easily drowned by the
ear-splitting roars of young Smith,
Jr., who tossed about his crib with a
toothache. Mr. Smith, shivering in his
pajamas, bent over the washstand,
trying to prepare a cotton filling for
his son and a mustarl plaster for his
babe, when his wife's voice, scarcely
audible above the wuproar, reached
bim,
“*John,” she said, ‘if, seven years
ago, I could bave looked forward an.d
beheld this scene, do yvou know what
I'd have done?
“‘Yes, love,” Smith answered, ‘You'd
have dome just what I wish Td
done.'”
Not a Naturalist.
Gervangeline was very angry.
That morning she had received a
letter from the young man who im
agined he had captured the affec
tions of her heart. He was supposed
to be working hard on a rubber
jlantation in Africa, busily getting
together the money to start “the lit
tle home.”
“It he thinks I mind his rudeness,
he is making a great mistake,” said
she, with rencentrated bitterness.
“Why, what has he said, dear?”
asked her mother mildly,
“Oh, nothing much-—but 1 suppose
he thinks it is funny! He says that
he has just shot a ten-foot-long
crocodile, and that as soon as he gets
another he will have a pair of slip
pers made for me out of the skins,
Funny ianit ey .
. .
- Just Verdict.
“Waiter!" From the table by the
window the voice of an elderly gen
tleman rose in accents wrathful
“Waliter!”
‘“Yes, sir’ replied the much
harassed one, hastening forward.
The elderly gentleman, overcome
by his emotions, made several vain
attempts to _articulate utterance.
Then “take this egg away!"” he roared.
*“Take {t away!"”
“Yes, sir,” said the waiter, oblig
ingly, as he glanced wistfully at the
offending article, “And—and what
shall 1 do with it, sir?”
“Do with it?" The outraged cus
toraer rose menacingly from his chair,
“Da with it?" he bellowed. “Why,
wring its neck!"”
WHAT A BEAT!
At a metropolitan theater not so
many weeks ago a drama of London
life was the attraction., KEach scene
was a remarkably well-painted repro
dugtion of a well-known locality. in
one act a picture of Trafalgar squate
was shown. It was complete in every
detail, the realistic effect being en
hanced by a policeman walking lei
surely across the stage. He was a
supernumerary, not a speaking part
"‘he scene immediately following was
another part of London far distant,
namely, the Mile End road Here,
L the touch of reality was com
pleted by a policeman walking across
the stage, the same ‘“super.”
Une of the galleryites noticed the
lact and ig a “stage whisper” ex-
Claimed to his friend beside him:
. =ay, Bill, ain’t that bobby got a
Tl e Weekly Georgi
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Do You Know—
A Paris firm has invented an in
genious method of signalling from
aeroplanes. The device consists of a
tube placed in such a position that
a strong current of air from the pro
peller passes through it and is con
nected by a valve with a reservoir
filled with soot. Thi svalve can be
operated by the passenger in the aero
plane in such a manner as to release
either large or small quantities of
soot from the reserveir into the tube.
The soot whirled out of the tupe by
the draught forms in the wake of the
machine long or short streaks ot
black, by means of which messages
can be given in the Morse code. The
whole apparatus weighs not more
than nine pounds.
The Department of Agriculture at
Washington has ordered an investi
gation of the charges that enormous
quantities of chicken are “fattened
with rock and sand” in their food
mixtures by unscrupulous dealers.
After examining samples of the birds,
it is stated that there was an average
of one-half pound of rock and sand
in each chicken's crop, and it would
appear from statistics that New York
City alone buys every week from
150,000 to 300,000 pounds of rock and
sand substances, paying the prevail
ing poultry market prices.
s R S
The telephone is being put to many
strange uses as a labor-saver and an
emergency aid. In the cost-Keeping
gystems in many factories the work
men do not keep their own time rec
ords, but telephone to the bookkeeper
whenever they start or finish a job,
so that he ean make the entry. Au
tomatic telephone temperature re
corders are used in orchards to save
fruit crops from fro¥%t. When the
tempeasature talls the central operator
is notified, %o that she can arouse the
farm fhand¢ and send them out with
smudf e pots
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THE GEORGIANS