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The Rude and Bleak
University meets Affirmative Action goals
University President Ferd C. Denizen (far white) poses with first shipment of black teachers
By DRIVEL NELSWINE
Clote personal friend of Arno "Shorty" Nowolny
The University took sweeping measures
Wednesday to meet its Affirmative Action goals
as it hired 50 black teachers to bring its total
number of black faculty members to 53.
University Affirmative Action Officer Loon
Davies said the hirings came as a result of a
directive from University President Ferd C.
Denizen.
“I certainly had nothing to do with the deci
sion,” he said.
Denizen said he reached the decision after a
meeting he and Georgia Head Football Coach
Vince Fooley had a few weeks ago with various
black leaders from around the state.
University P R. Flack Bury Would said that,
at the meeting, "President Denizen was made
Dough shortage
causes regents
to sell cookies
By SYLVIA FALWELL
Rudr and Bleak Moral Majority
The Bored of Regents will hold a bake sale to
raise money for the University System to offset
cuts in the state budget, Regents Chancellor
Virgin Crawdad announced today.
The final version of the state budget allots
only $39.95 to the University system, which is
00000001 percent of the $399.5 million originally
requested by the regents.
A bake sale may seem an odd way to raise
money, Crawdad said, but the system is in a
desperate situation.
"We thought of selling raffle tickets or illegal
drugs, but the University wouldn't let us raffle
off Herschey Walker and we wanted all the
drugs for ourselves,” Crawdad said.
Crawdad said he will prepare his mother's
favorite recipe for brussels sprout upside down
cake for the bake sale.
Regents chairman O. Tidbit Itchey said he
will also bake his mother’s recipe for brussels
sprout upside down cake, which he claims puts
Crawdad's mother's cake to shame.
“Mrs. Crawdad wears army boots,” Itchey
said.
University President Ferd C. Denizen said he
would contribute a dozen cookies, each iced with
the name of an alumnus who has contributed
between $1,000 and $10,000.
“For $10,000, you can get a plaque on a brick
wall,” Denizen said. "For $1 million, we’ll name
a school after you. But for $1,000, all you get is a
cookie with your name on it."
Former regents Chairwoman Marie W. Dawg
said she will bake a Pepto-Bismal pie for the
sale. As the token female regent, Dawg said she
felt the pink pastry would be appropriate.
Regent John Skandalinksausageopoulous will
make an olive feta cheesecake, while regents
Eldridge McMillstone and Jesse Hillarious will
collaborate on a black-bottom pie.
University Home Economics Dean Emily
Phew plans to buy 12 dozen packages of
Twinkies for the event. "I can’t cook," she
explained.
Journalism Dean Cut Scottlip had planned to
contribute a rum cake to the regents' bake sale,
but when Crawdad came to pick up the cake, it
was missing.
“Urp!" commented Scottlip.
aware of the concerns of the state's black com
munity that their needs be adequately met here
at the state's flagship institution."
“They seemed pretty peeved to me,” Denizen
said. "I'm old enough to remember Watts — it’s
no fun when those people get restless.”
Denizen denied reports that he waited to hire
the new faculty members until he saw what ac
tion Fooley would take on the hiring of a black
football coach — a move that had also been en
couraged by the black leaders.
“You’re trying to imply that everything that's
done around here is based on what the Athletic
Department does,” he said. “That’s just not
true. For example, what did we build first, the
addition to Sanford Stadium or the student
center?"
Denizen refused to comment further after
learning the answer to his question
State Rep. Babbling Brooks, D-Atlanta, said
he was pleased that "the ruling WASP power
structure has finally seen fit to guarantee
minorities their rightful position in the educa
tional structure of the state.”
University student Narvin Mumbly, who
recently interned with the NAACP and has met
Lynn Swann, said the decision was a good one,
but emphasized that it was just a start.
“I’m pretty excited that we finally got some
brothers teaching at this honky institute," he
said. “I'm still not satisfied, though, and I won’t
be until more changes are made.”
Mumbly said he thought a good plan would be
to require the faculty and student percentages
of blacks to equal those of the Georgia basket
ball team.
“We could have the most hip university in the
country,” he said.
However, not everyone was pleased with the
new hirings.
“There goes the neighborhood,” said a
political science professor emeritus who
couldn’t remember his name. “These nigras
sure are getting uppity . ”
Asbestos forces students to leave dorms
By MR. ZIP
Rudr and tilrak Staff Poatmastrr
Eight University dorms will close Monday for
asbestos removal, leaving thousands of students
without a place to live.
The dorms affected are Brumby, Russell,
Creswell, Boggs, Hill, Church, Mell and
Lipscomb. About 4,000 students will be asked to
leave the buildings by the weekend.
The asbestos removal was warranted when
housing officials received the results of their
latest tests of the dorms. Those tests confirmed
the presence of asbestos in the ceilings of the
eight buildings.
A test conducted two years ago detected the
presence of the cancer-causing dust in the
crumbly ceiling material in the eight dorms.
Follow-up tests were ordered by Housing
Director Dan Hellandback several months ago,
and those results confirmed the ceilings con
tained asbestos,
"I refused to believe it as first," Hellandback
said, “so I had them run more tests, hoping it
would be different. ”
Because the ceilings have a crumbly texture,
students for years have poked umbrella tips and
bottle caps into the ceilings, releasing the
asbestos-containing dust into the air.
“First we want the kids out of those
buildings,” Hellandback said. “We don’t care
where they stay, just get them out."
Though the housing department had several
cheaper options to correct the problem, officials
have chosen to proceed with removing the ceil
ing material containing asbestos.
Hellandback said he regretted having to
remove all the ceilings, especially in the high-
rise dorms.
“My poor sprinklers," Hellandback cried.
“We just installed thousands of dollars of fire
sprinklers, and now this! Now we’U have to
start all over," he sobbed
Hellandback said his department would do
everything it could to find housing for the 4,000
evicted students, but that several hundred
students would still be left out in the cold.
"WeTI put them in as many study rooms as
possible, and we’ll make dorm residents in
other buildings triple up to open up a few
rooms, ” Hellandback said.
“Maybe we could even put them in the new
student center at Chicopee,” Hellandback said.
"But who knows. Who cares? I just hope I can
keep my job after this.”
One resident of Brumby, Suzie Cute, said she
didn't know what she would do. and that she
hadn't been told by housing officials of the
move
“I don't know what I’ll do,” Cute sighed. "No
one told me anything. No one ever tells me
anything."
Chicopee will be new student center site
By HIM. KHOCaF.lt
Rudr and Hlrak Staff firoerr
University officials surprised students and
faculty members when they announced Wednes
day that construction of the Dean William Tate
Student Center has been halted for lack of funds.
Realizing that Memorial Hall is too small to con
tinue serving as a student ceter, the officials
also announced that the Chicopee Building
would be renovated to serve as the new student
center.
"It's unfortunate that this had to happen like
this. But the money just wasn’t there,” said
Physical Plant Superviser Bill Ditup. “We knew
when we started this thing, it was going to be
close. I guess we just ran out of time."
Riots! Bedlam! Chaos! Turmoil!
By JL'SRIN GILLGS
Pom pout Am
Thousands of University students and
professors surged into the streets Wednesday to
join factory and clerical workers in a
proletarian revolution that quickly swept
through the industrialized world.
Millions of capitalists were executed and
millions more were thrown In jail as the people
struggled to overcome their murderous op
pressors.
Athens streets were quiet by nightfall.
There was only sporadic shooting in the
downtown area as the fighting subsided and the
workers began setting up a just social order. In
a last burst of revolutionary fervor, several
comrades lobbed Molotov cocktails into
Muskrat House, the University president’s
office, thus demolishing it.
Workers abandoned unsafe and unhealthy
factories, where the bourgeoisie had for so long
abused them and spilled their blood.
Thousands of sorority girls, finally awakened
to the truth of the class war, threw off their pink
ribbons and kicked off their green espadrilles to
join the workers who were celebrating in the
streets.
The story was much the same in other world
capitals, with comrades in Paris, London,
Paris, Berlin, Paris, Toronto, Paris and Tokyo
jubilant over the success of the proletarian
revolt.
The action started about 9 a m Wednesday,
when Russell Hall Janitor Bertha
Papagopoulous, in the midst of wiping up the
slop where some rich frat boy had puked the
night before, decided she wasn’t gonna take no
more of this crap.
“Working men of all countries," she cried,
“Unite!”
This brought rousing cheers from the over
worked secretaries in the University housing
department, who immediately rushed into the
streets to join the class struggle.
Papagopoulous, wielding a large mop, laid
waste to housing Director Dan Hellandback,
whose body was later found in a ditch, to no
The sudden construction halt occurred after
the Bored of Regents refused to allocate more
money into the building. “There are just so
many budget restrictions these days that we
just couldn't justify spending money for
someplace where students go to have fun," said
former regent Chairwoman Marie W Dawg.
“Hell, when I was in school all we needed to
have fun was a good bottle of gin and someplace
to drink it. I'll be damned if I'm going to let my
tax dollars go for something like this.”
The Tate Center, which was already one third
of the way completed and has already cost over
$2 million, will be scrapped and sold to junk
dealers in the area in an effort to recoup some of
the losses already encurred, Ditup said.
One group was especially pleased with the
decision — the ultra-rich, ultra-capitalist
Bulldog Club. “Now we can get our parking
places back for the football games It was pure
hell trying to find a place to park my deluxe
camper last season," said Bulldog Club Presi
dent Buck “God How I Love Herschel" Thomp
son. "All this crap about a student center was
just that —crap."
Student Activities Director Phil Yeast said he
thought Chicopee would make an excellent stu
dent center. “Hell, the place is huge and that
was the main problem with the old place," he
said.
When asked about the criticism that the
building is too far removed from campus to be
used by most students, he said, "Huh?”
Yeast explained how the new student center
would be set up. "We already have a theater in
there. We’ll just use the seats that are there for
registration And to save money on movies, the
cost of which are rising every day, we can just
let Registrar Brute Shoot call out the names of
University students
"Other than that, we don’t have any real
plans," Yeast said. "Like you said, it’s too far
away for anybody to use anyway.”
Registrar Shoot, who had come to consider
the Chicopee Building home, was upset that
registration and drop-add would have to be
moved to make way for the new student center.
He said that registration will be handled in
Room 202 in Memorial in the future. “It won’t be
the same. I will miss the vast, empty spaces at
Chicopee, but I guess we all have to make
sacrifices," he said.
‘We only did it to prove a point,’
say reporters after bank heists
Proletariat cheers as capitalists are executed
one's chagrin.
Once word of the struggle on Baxter Hill
reached the main library, where communistic
dissent has long been the order of the day, all
hell broke loose
The campus was taken within the hour,
despite massive opposition by five Athens' pig
departments, state and federal pigs and the
fascist U.S. Army.
The Army pigs weren’t of much use even to
the capitalists, however, most of them being
illiterate and unable to read the directions on
their weapons
Several longtime proletarian sympathizers on
the campus openly declared their intentions the
minute the class war broke out
L'weezy McB, whose nickname among the
workers is simply Big Mama, hit the sidewalks
the minute she heard shouting, and managed to
send 26 capitalists to their heavenly reward
before being wounded by a volley from Muskrat
House
Whaleen Maddingly, the victim of sexist
exploitation by the white male capitalist pig
power structure, slew an amazing 106
capitalists during the struggle for south campus
(where bourgeois sympathizers were heavily
entrenched)
At last word she was guarding the local jail
where some 600 capitalists were being held
awaiting trial en masse before a revolutionary
court of justice
The outbreak of the revolution did come as
something of a surprise, as the campus had
been relatively quiet since football season "We
jes got tired of dis s— going down,”
Papagopoulous said. “We figgered we had
nothing to lose but our chains."
By KEVIN BITCHNELL
Rude and Bltik Innocent Hvttandrr
Two Rude and Bleak reporters charged with
armed robbery will learn what action, if any,
will be taken against them.
Bob "Florida" Keys and Drivel Half-Nelson
have been charged with armed robbery for
holding up First Falderal Savings, First Arme
nian Bank and Trust, C&S&M Nationalize Bank
and Athens Lack of Trust in an attempt to get
every cent the University has saved
The reporters are claiming First Amendment
privilege. “This was all part of a story we did on
how easy it would be for anyone to rob local
banks of the students’ hard-earned money,"
Half-Nelson said, the toothpick in his mouth
quivering nervously. “We didn’t know people
were gonna kick up a fuss."
The robberies started when Half-Nelson
heard several students talking about how they
had successfully robbed several local banks "I
couldn't believe how easy they said it was,” he
said “I thought it would make a good story."
Half-Nelson discussed the idea with Rude and
Bleak Managing Editor Dim Bondage, who
agreed with the idea, and Keys, who agreed to
loan Half-Nelson his submaching gun Keys also
agreed to help Half-Nelson pull off the robbery
Nelson said that before puling the job he
discussed the idea with Bill Braced-for-Hell,
director of judicial programs “He told me that
his office didn't go around looking for com
plaints to be made against students, and that he
wouldn't make a case against me," Nelson said,
the same toothpick thrusting out of his mouth.
The two reporters entered the bank in
disguise Keys wore a Half-Nelson mask while
Half-Nelson wore a Keys mask, and they both
carried violin cases At a pre-arranged signal
from Half-Nelson, they pulled machine guns
and demanded money The two reporters used
the same technique while robbing all four
banks, and got away unnoticed.
"I still can't believe how easy it was,” Half-
Nelson said, the by-now-decaying toothpick
dangling from his lips “There were only one or
two guards in each bank and once we shot them
in the legs, they couldn't follow us Then we
gave everybody in the bank $50 to keep quiet
and then we left ”
The story appeared in the March 31 Rude and
Bleak under the headline, “YOU, TOO, CAN
ROB A BANK," which is when the University
decided to press charges
"I still don't know what all they're so upset
about,” Keys said. “We gave almost half of the
money back."
Rude and Bleak General Manager Charles
Wussell said he would stand behind the
reporters to the end. "I believe armed robbery
in the name of the people’s right is no crime,”
Wussell said “I am confident that they will get
off, but if they don’t we’11 take this all the way to
the Supreme Court.”
However, when he told how much the case
would cost in lawyer's fees. Wussell was heard
to say, “I hope they hang. ”
