Newspaper Page Text
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The Red and Black
Thursday, April 1,1982
Slanted News
Really boring fuddy-duddy
gives talk; nobody listens
~ By J.T. THREADBARE
Kudr and Klcah Krdbrtrd
.Some old fellow gave a boring
speech about a week ago, but we're
rOTTing this story anyway. This
newspaper has been running low on
stories lately, and we figure nobody
\wfl_ read this stuff, so it doesn't mat
ter's
Wnneas T Geezer, who is suppos
'■tlin be one of those big-shot scholars
from one of those fancy Eastern
schools soon lost the interest of all
buta minute segment of the audience
aOS said nothing worth quoting or
etfOi telling you about
Geezer attracted a large audience
liCDuse he was speaking on a topic
with rather interesting possibilities,
Upman Sexuality in the Space
Age ” The trouble is this fellow look
ed like he came from the Stone Age
and used so much of that academic
jargon, that he made this fascinating
subject about as interesting as the
mating of a couple of fruit flies
Some people started to leave,
others went to sleep and a few started
a very good poker game in the back
of the room
One fellow, for some reason (he’d
probably heard this speaker before!,
brought a deck of Uno cards, and a
few of us got in a fiercely contested
ten hands before the old coot finally
shut up This reporter didn't have too
much luck, though he had an early
lead, because the players sitting
beside him kept giving him all these
draw four and draw two cards
Anyway, while some of the au
dience was engaged in a nice, friend
ly card game, a fight broke out in one
of the front rows These two hulks,
beefy guys, got into this heated argu
ment about something amazingly
trivial These fellows just wanted to
fight and ended up disturbing the hell
out of everybody else and giving
each other quite a beating.
Luckily, somebody called the
police, who came over and dragged
these two fellows away before they
beat each other to a palpitating pulp.
Meanwhile, this old Geezer fellow
continued to speak unfazed. That’s
quite a feat in itself, but it was even
more amazing when he kept right on
speaking when that old lady had that
heart attack right in front of him.
Let this reporter tell you, sports
fans, that that scared him nearly to
death He was about to say Uno when
he heard this thunk in the front of the
room and saw this ghastly pale and
feeble-looking woman just up and
conk out on the floor. Luckily,
somebody knew CPR and got her
revived before the paramedics came
in and toted her out
And this old Geezer kept right on
speaking, even though he did raise
his voice a bit when some kind of
weird cult started parading and
chanting outside in the hall.
This group called themselves
"Abstinence Forever," and they
were saying that sex was like
cholesterol for your soul, that it
would clog up your soul so you
wouldn't be a good person anymore.
Here’s the old goat
Snapshot by F-stop Filigerald
THE
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By BURY WOULD
P.R. Flick
In a move that left
observers shocked, stunned
and visibly palpitating, the
University of Georgia
Wednesday announced
sweeping changes designed
to make life easier for
students.
The University officially
said in an official announce
ment cleared in advance
through proper official chan
nels that it was centralizing
drop-add in one location, ad
ding hundreds of courses so
there will be enough to go
around, spreading out the
campus buses so they don’t
all run at the same time, and
stabilizing the athletic-ticket
policy so people know what it
is from one minute to the
next.
University President Ferd
C. Denizen, who asked not to
be identified, said he was
reluctant to make these
changes, as he thought
students were little twits and
didn't deserve it. "Shocking,
simply shocking," Denizen
said.
However, he was
blackmailed by Blight
Bugless, the vice president
for Student Affairs, who
threatened to reveal you-
know-what if Denizen didn’t
comply.
No one was sure late
Wednesday what caused
Bugless to suddenly stand up
for the rights of students,
although some attributed it
to his recent conversion to
fundamentalist Christianity.
Others attributed it to his
wife.
Nobody really gave a
damn.
Everybody asked not be
identified.
When word of the changes
reached the Bored of
Regents in Atlanta, a move
immediately started to get
the whole thing overturned
and put students back in
their place.
“We jes’ cain’t have this
heah crap,” screamed bored
Chairwoman Marie W.
Dawg when called by this
PR flack She said she had
asked Denizen to meet her in
Walnut Grove, Ga., to talk
about firing Bugless.
If that doesn't work, she
said, she will fire Denizen.
Then she hung up.
rtADi
\ Advanced halretyllng lor m#o and womw
THE
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The ni&htspot with something for everyone
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featuring
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In Wednesday's edition of The Red and Black, Fred C.
Davison was mistakenly identified as Dusty Rhodes, James
Dinnan was mistakenly identified as Sandra Day O'Connor,
I-ambda Chi Alpha president Clay Land was mistakenly
identified as Xaviera Hollander, and Wayne Williams was
mistakenly identified as Andy Williams.
Herschey Walker was mistakenly identified as Harmon
Wages, Chuck Reineke was mistakenly identified as Jerry
Falwell, and Birney Bull was mistakenly identified as the
entire cast from the movie “Porky's."
This newspaper runs corrections only when threatened
with libel suits. We don't regret the error in the least, and
actually think it was pretty damn funny.
Save Soviet Jews.
(Win valuable prizes.)
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