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The Red and Black
Thursday . April 1,1982
All Fool's Day
Today is the day The Red and Black does its
part in upholding the tradition of All Fool's Day.
By now, you should be aware that all stories,
columns, letters and photographs today are fic
tional.
The zaniness that is The Red and Black staff is
seenhere and we had fun playing this joke on the
University community. All reports and jabs
were written in a humorous vein, and we hope
you remember that when you read.
Our edition today is a throwback to the days
when some smart-aleck told us our shoes were
untied, and when we looked down we got socked
in the chops. Or it is with this edition we
remember the time we were told to study for a
big test, only to be dimwitted enough to forget
the next day was Saturday.
So we put out this paper with much glee, with
those remembrances in mind, so that maybe we
can find a University dimwit.
The Rude and Bleak has become a tradition
here. This edition really puts our devilish minds
to work.
We hope you enjoy it.
New staffers
The Red and Black staff overthrows the Rude
and Bleak staff later today and begins work on a
more serious paper.
The new regime needs all the help it can get.
We encourage anyone to come to a new staf
fers meeting Sunday night at 7:30 at The Red
and Black editorial offices at 123 N. Jackson St.,
and find out what it’s like to work on The Red
and Black.
Here’s a test to increase
Rude and Bleak readership
Editor’s note:
It is with sinking stomachs that we
here at The Rude and Bleak notice the
sharp decline in readership. Since we
can make no further improvements in
what is obviously a pluperfect publica
tion, the editoral board has decided to
resort to cheap and immoral gimmicks.
This is one o/them.
■■ Now, we know there are approx
imately 4.5 00 freshmen out in
readerland, most of whom are current
ly taking English 102. So. in hopes that
word-of- mouth will inspire each and
r, every one of them to read The Rude and
- Bleak, we are proud to announce our
acquisition of an advance copy of the
standardized English 102 final exam.
Here it is.
r Enjoy:
INSTRUCTIONS
Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions
TIME LIMIT
4 hours
Begin:
History:
Describe the history of the papacy
from its origin to the present day, con
centrating especially, but not ex
clusively, upon its social, political,
economic, religious and philosophical
impact on Europe, Asia, America and
Africa Be concise, but specific
Medicine:
You have been provided with a razor
blade, a piece of guaze and a bottle of
scotch Remove your appendix. Do not
suture until your work has been in
spected You have 15 minutes
Public speaking:
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed
aborigines are storming the room
Calm them You may use any ancient
language except Latin or Greek, which
our professors tell us no longer exist.
Biology:
Create life. Estimate the differences
in subsequent human culture if this
form of life had developed 500 million
years earlier, with special attention to
its probable effects upon the English
parliamentary system. Prove your
thesis without a Venn diagram.
Music:
Write a piano concerto in sonata
allegro form Orchestrate and perform
it with flute and drum. You will find a
piano under your seat.
Psychology:
Based upon your knowledge of their
works, evaluate the emotional stability,
degree of adjustment and repressed
frustrations of each of the following:
Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II,
Gregory of Nicaea, Hammurabi. Sup
port your thesis with quotations from
each man's work, making appropriate
references It is not necessary to
translate.
Sociology:
Estimate the sociological problems
that might arrive with the end of the
world. Construct a working model to
test your theory.
Engineering:
The disassembled parts of a high-
powered rifle have been placed in your
desk You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Swahili. In 10
minutes, a rabid Bengal tiger will be
admitted to the room; take whatever
action you deem appropriate. Be
prepared to justify your decision
Economics:
Develop a realistic plan for refinanc
ing the national debt Trace the possible
effects of your plan in the following
areas: Cubism, the Donatist controver
sy, the wave theory of light. Outline a
theory for preventing these effects.
Criticize this method from all possible
points of view. Point out the deficien
cies in your point of view.
Political science:
There is a red telephone on the desk
beside you. Start World War III. Report
on its socio-political effects, if any.
Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth.
Prove the validity of your stand.
Physics:
Explain the nature of matter. Include
in your answer an evaluation of the im
pact of the development of
mathematics on science.
Philosophy:
Sketch the development of human
thought, estimating its significance.
Compare with the development of any
other kind of thought
General knowledge:
Describe in detail Be objective and
specific.
When you have finished, report to the
proctor You will be given directions to
the labyrinth. When you have found
your way out, you will have finished all
portions of the exam. You have seven
teen minutes Thank you, and good
luck
COrtFOKT IN OUR GRANTS ««f
K«ai ccaVucVcA poll:
Bless you, every single one
I could see it plain as day. It was
obvious. The protruding veins from
emaciated arms, the sunken eyes, the
aimless babbling, the jumpy giddish
reaction to the passing traffic. Yeah, it
was obvious, and disgusting This guy
was on drugs No doubt about it.
Narcotics are destroying our
American youth. They are destroying
our families, our institutions of
education, our social values and, worst
of all, our relationship with the Lord.
1 went to talk to this poor junkie. He
stammered pitifully back as I smiled
and approached
“Hello there,” I said, “You know,
Jesus is better than those pills you’re
taking.”
“WHAT PILLS," he screamed. “I’m
NOT TAKING ANY PILLS! I SWEAR
IT! REALLY!”
He was obviously confused and
disoriented at my friendliness. And as
he struggled to run away, he tripped
over a curb and fell right into the path
of an oncoming Milledge bus. It's OK
though, I managed to press a copy of
“The Road to Eternal Life” into his
hand before the accident. That junkie is
right now on the greatest trip of his life.
Amen.
The Lord said everyone has
a special purpose in the eyes of the
Lord. Sometimes it's easy to get con
fused and heartsick at the University.
The great population of students here
seems to breed isolation and reinforce
loneliness. But Oh! “What a friend we
have in Jesus.” Christ didn’t get a
sorority bid either. Jesus never wore an
Izod sweater.
So when you feel alone, remember:
Jesus is the only drug you’ll need. He is
with you when you get up in the mor
ning and when you go to sleep at night
He’s with you when you get drunk and
throw up all over your date at
O'Malley’s. He’s right there watching
when your mom finds all the Penthouse
magazines you thought you hid so well.
And when you go to the bathroom after
eating all that Italian food — well,
Jesus is right there,too.
Narcotics are an instrument of Satan
(and I don’t mean a saxophone either).
Sure, they may make you happy for a
time. Speed may keep you up all night
Pot may make you giggly and laid
back.
I remember my early youth in the
city of Atlanta. Long glorious days of
strung-out bliss. My lungs full of grass,
my head full of acid, stomach with
booze and veins overflowing with
heroin. Sure it was fun, I enjoyed the
hell out of myself. But as I matured, I
learned that we weren't put on this
earth to have fun.
God put us on this earth to please
Him. We are the servants that must
build the kingdom of God on earth. And
good servants don't breathe ether and
howl at the moon at 5 a m. Amen.
Chuck "The Edge" Runamuck is an
infection on the entire Rude and Bleak
staff.
Photo/Kevin Bitchnell
Runamuck’s new image
^NVWMA A AaANwIavWj^
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> The OGO 300RNAUSM SCHOOLS
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Diatribes
‘The cretins have gotten to me...I will resign ’
TO THE EDITOR:
This is a difficult thing for me to say.
1 don’t know why I did it, but I have
been copying all of my reviews from the
Athens Snobserver’s Greg Plasteague.
Maybe it was due to plain boredom or
maybe I was just tired of all of those
philistine cretins who didn’t agree with
me, but there is no excuse.
At the urging of my editor, Muck
Brownnose, I am resigning in disgrace
to go into national politics. Failing that,
I promise my readers that I will com
mit a slow and painful suicide by listen
ing to Journey, Rush and REO Speed-
wagon until my brain bleeds to death.
Goodbye and I’m sorry,
KEVIN B1TCHNELL
AST SOCKC
“ ’ ‘ tmvio tscsu.
+k a Apr, \ Fools i s
\Reineke gives
no respect’
TO THE EDITOR:
What’s with this C.E. Reineke kid? I
was workin’ on my tan, lyin’ in the sun
and sippin’ tequila when I came across
these mad ravings of his.
Tell that little punk he’s in big trou
ble. What gall, criticizing me and
my followers. The way I look at it,
we’ve got a pretty good thing going,
what with all the tithes, you know
You think we’re gonna let a little
creep like that spoil the whole racket,
man? A little knowledge is a dangerous
thing, you know, and this Reineke kid is
nothing but one big threat Tell him to
keep his mouth shut or the Big G will
have his arse on a platter.
Love,
JESUS
‘ Well, I never!’
TO THE EDITOR:
When I read that last column by I.M,
Redascanbe, I almost died! I mean,
really, you know I was sitting there
with my friends, you know, when I read
it, and I went, “Oh, my gosh! Did you
see what The Rude and Bleak has come
out with. This column really goes
against all our beliefs and all, you
know ”
And then, they all went, “I’m telling
you. Really. For real.”
I mean, you should be so embarrassed.
You know, I don’t read the paper that
much, but when I do, you know, I expect
to see some good writing.
MARY RICH
Freshman, pre-wed
‘Season of sin’
TO THE EDITOR:
I want to tell all those whores and
whoremongers at the University to ex
pect me this spring, this wicked season
of sin. I’ve ranted and raved about rock
and roll, but this spring, I’ll warn all of
you about the evils of those skimpy lit
tle outfits, those ba-kee-en-nees, and
those women lying around nearly nek-
kid before God and all creation.
Women, when men look at you and
smile while you’re exposing yourself
like some slu-ut, they’re only thinking
lust ful thoughts. Lust, lust, lust, lust.
So, look for my poolside crusade this
spring for the best show in town.
BROTHER TED
‘It’s heaven’
TO THE EDITOR:
I’m a soul, man!
JOHN BELUSHI
[Departments
Editorial: 543-1809
Chief copy editor Juki in Glilts
Copy editor* Ann Den con Ale* Johnson David
Nelson Jack Threwdgill
New* editor Jar Mulling*
Associate news editor Rob Keyes
Sports editor Jackie Craoby
Entertainment editor Chock Reece
Photographs editor Sam Walton
Assistant news editors Sylvia Colwell, Mark B
Fleminf
Art director Art Roche
Training coordinator Bill Krueger
Assistant sports editor SteveComfkn
Assistant photography editor Nancy Shepherd
Editorial page editor Brian Jaudon
CCA Today coordinator Librarian Elaine Dukakis
Advertising’ 543-1791
Advertising manage- David Raines
Sales Training manager YtckieOBnen
National Inside Sales Jay Burdftt
Advertising representatives Doug Bailey. Jeff
Hemng Phyllis Pope. Jean Mane Wilson.
Prances Wall. Charles Guilbssu. Olga Fennell
Production: 543-1791
Production manager Stephan A Beard
Production staff Karleen Chalker Sonya Boltin. Joy
Pennington. Bill Krueger Dara Sawyer. Brenda
Cleveland. Emily Westbrook
Contributions
The Red and Black an independent student newspaper not af
filiated with the Cmvenit) of Georgia is published Tuesday
through Friday - with the exception of holidays and examination
periods - by The Red and Black Publishing Co . Inc . an tndepen
dent non profit corporation The Red and Black is printed by
Walton Press Inc Monroe. Ga Second class postage paid at
Athens. Ga WO\
The Red and Black welcomes letters to the editor and prints them
a» space permits Due to space limitation and legal considerations
all letters are subject to standard editing for libelous material and
length Short letters are preferred To be considered lor publics
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must include the name, address and telephone number of the
writer Please include student classification and major or ap
propriate .dentification ’professor. Union officer, etc We can
omit your name in print for a valid reason on request
letters should not exceed 2‘ i double spaced typewritten pages
The Red and Black also prints guest editoral columns under the
same conditions that apply to letters to the editor Columns should
not exceed four double spaced typewrit ten pages
Columns and letters should be addressed TO THE EDITOR, The
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