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6 I Thursday, June 8, 2006 | The Red & Black
VARIETY
‘Manliness’ for
Maddox fans only
By REBECCA BOWEN
rbowen@randb.com
Maddox — real name
George Ouzounian — of the
Internet’s “The Best Page in
the Universe” fame, said he
agreed to a book deal in
order to make “some serious
‘(expletive) you’ money.”
Obviously money, and not
creativity, was his top con
cern.
Published by Citadel
Press, who recently put out
bestseller “I Hope They
Serve Beer in Hell” by fellow
Internet legend Tucker
Max, “The Alphabet of
Manliness” was a top
Amazon bestseller months
before its release date.
The book’s structure is
clearly explained by the title
(a letter-by-letter diction
ary), and its tone immedi
ately set by the pulp comic
like illustration on the front
cover of a muscular man
punching an enormous
gorilla in the face.
Like the cover, everything
inside is about as low-key as
being attacked by bears
while riding a train over the
edge of a cliff.
Similar to “The Best
Page in the Universe,” the
book is relatively short,
strongly opinionated and
mixes satire and self-parody
with potentially disturbing,
yet questionable sincerity.
On his Web site, this
possible sincerity comes in
the form of teeth-grinding
rage directed at anything
that is not beef jerky and
anyone who is not Chuck
Norris.
In “The Alphabet of
Manliness,” it comes in the
form of boner-worship and
misogynistic quips such as,
“Having a well-tempered
wife is essential to asserting
one’s manliness.”
It’s a type of humor with
vague motives that would
probably offend those who
pick up the book without
ever having heard of
Maddox’s site.
Others — both longtime
Maddox fans and newcom
ers — will continue to refer
to the book as their “Bible”
and Maddox as their
“Savior” on Internet mes-
sageboards.
However, for a book with
a creation process that
required Maddox to add
very little new content to
his beloved page for over a
year, it sorely disappoints.
Maddox is not doing
what he is loved for — inces
santly complaining. Instead
of a persona that reeks of
exhausted bitterness, he
writes in the voice of a sup
posed expert on all things
masculine. Almost every
chapter conveys manliness
“facts” in a repetitive list
formula which tends to
sound forced.
“The Alphabet of
Manliness” is full of unorigi
nal comedy. Chapter P is for
Pirates and Chapter N is for
Chuck Norris, who once
crushed an Internet
humorist in his furrowed
brow for continuing to make
MADDOX
“The Alphabet of Manliness”
Grade: C+
Verdict: L is for Lacking - in
humor and creativity.
up absurd things about him
long after the MySpace bul
letins finally stopped.
As you can see, this book,
though on the current pulse
of internet humor, will be
outdated once these refer
ences become passe.
And of course, there’s
Maddox’s notion of
“Manliness” itself.
Being a female, albeit one
who rarely takes anything
seriously, I realize my per
spective is both limited and
biased.
However, if interpreting
the book literally, I think
most men would agree with
me when I say punching
another man in the crotch
— as instructed in “A is for
Ass-Kicking” — is a pretty
disrespectful and cowardly
form of aggression.
And really, “B is for
Boners”? Yeah, I guess tech
nically it is manly to have
one, but to bring them into
a discussion? I’m not sure
about that.
Personally, I would have
moved “J is for Beef Jerky”
to B and replaced the avail
able “J” with “Jeremy, Ron.”
The “Alphabet of
Manliness” does not deliver
the way it should because
Maddox is not accustomed
to restraining himself to fit
the narrow definitions of a
book.
His brand of mediocre
writing works best online
where he is free to spit out
the equivalent of an enter
taining blog entry only when
something about modern
culture makes his stomach
turn enough.
“The Best Page in the
Universe” is easy to identify
with because everyone occa
sionally gets too worked up
over minor problems.
“The Alphabet of
Manliness,” while turning
up the heat in terms of
offensiveness, fails to match
its crass subject matter with
enough creativity to make it
amusing or interesting.
“There is no nobler call
ing than that of a lumber
jack,” Maddox writes. “Deep
down inside every guy, no
matter how much of a
pasty-thighed, white col
lared desk slave he is,
there’s a lumberjack waiting
to bust out.”
If Maddox can get past
pirates himself, maybe he
too can evolve.
Don’t bother seeing ‘The Omen’
By CHRIS HOMER
For The Red & Black
June 6, 2006, or 6/6/6.
Several marketing geniuses
got together and decided to
release “The Omen” on the
devil’s day.
While it’s a clever idea, it
doesn’t really do much to
save this remake of a classic
horror flick from the hell of
mediocrity.
“The Omen” tells the story
of Damien, the young anti-
Christ, and his poor unsus
pecting parents, who come to
learn that he will be the
cause of Armageddon.
As college students, the
idea of having a kid at all is
terrifying, but having to raise
a bona fide demon child?
Sounds scary, right?
Sadly, the predictable plot
and far-fetched ideas pre
sented in the film are a little
too unbelievable to really let
“The Omen” be scary.
The movie struggles to
create a sense of mystery and
suspense as Damien’s father,
played by Liev Schreiber,
tries to unravel the mystery
of what his son is.
Unfortunately, the audi
ence inevitably is one step
ahead every time and thus is
left with nothing but the
anticipation of seeing some
thing gory or an occasional
THE OMEN
Grade: D/D/D
Verdict: With gore and creepy
images trying desperately to
make up for poor plot, my cryptic
prediction is that, if you heed my
signs, it’ll be a cold day in hell
before you waste your money on
this catastrophic remake.
frightening image that will
make them jump.
While the death scenes of
various characters are shock
ing enough to make your girl
friend hate you for taking her
to see such a vulgar piece of
cinema, they eventually wear
dull as they become less
numerous, leaving the audi
ence with nothing except the
unraveling of the five signs of
the apocalypse from various
(supposed) Bible passages
from the Book of Revelation.
The glaring flaw with this
segment of the movie is the
choice to use recent events in
history, such as 9/11, as the
signs, which are wildly drawn
from a series of cryptic pas
sages that even Dan Brown
could not begin to unravel.
Each “signal” becomes
more and more laughable as
the film drags on to its
action-filled climax, which
SPECIAL | The Red & Blacf
▲ The remake of “The Omen,” released on 6/6/06, doesn’t
quite live up to its 1976 predecessor.
does not even begin to make
up for the previous hour and
a half of life that you will
never have back.
The only saving grace of
the film is Mia Farrow’s per
formance as Damien’s
nanny/disciple of the devil.
Farrow is genuinely creepy
in playing a nanny who at
first appears to be Mary
Poppins, but later becomes a
Mary Poppins that will give a
blow to the face to make the
medicine go down instead of
the traditional “spoonful of
sugar.”
Despite all its hype, the
remake of “The Omen” falls
short of its predecessor in
nearly every area.
However, if you’re gullible
or drunk enough, it could be
terrifying.
Bans will appreciate new AFI album
By CHRIS HOMER
For The Red & Black
“Decemberunderground,”
AFI’s seventh album and the
much-anticipated follow-up
to the band’s 2003 main
stream breakthrough success
“Sing The Sorrow,” proves
that some things never
change.
Yes, singer Davey Havok
still wears more make-up
than a Vegas prostitute, and
yes, the songs still swirl
around topics of depression,
death, anger and lost love.
However, despite these
similarities to the previous
four AFI albums (starting
with 1997’s “Shut Your
Mouth and Open Your
Eyes”), the band has man
aged to make some major
improvements to their sound
while maintaining the aggres
sive style that won over the
legions of maladjusted mis
fits who used to listen to
industrial music in their par-
AFI
Grade: B+
Verdict: A strong follow up to
“Sing The Sorrow” that, despite
some distracting experimentation,
succeeds with tried and true AFI
devices.
ent’s basements while they
painted the walls black.
A noticeable difference
from previous recordings is
that Havok has learned to
control his voice better. While
the vocals are still high and
shrill, they are much easier
on the ears than before.
Havok also proves that
he’s no studio-polished sell
out by utilizing his near
superhuman ability to drop
his melodic singing into a
growling scream that seems
to have escaped from some
where in the bowels of Hell
and then switch right back
into his upper range with no
hesitation.
“Miss Murder,” the current
single of the record, shows
Havok’s fantastic range and
is a pure punk rock pleasure.
“Kill Caustic” features
Havok’s dirty scream and will
remind long-time fans of the
band’s signature songs “The
Prayer Position” and “God
Called in Sick Today.”
AFI proves it can still
write anthems that the kids
can pump their fists to. The
songs “The Killing Lights,”
“Endlessly, She Said,” and
“Miss Murder” all have mem
orable choruses that will
leave you trying to match
Havok’s vocals while you
drive too fast, with other
motorists staring at you like
you just ran their grand
mother down in the cross
walk.
Fans also will appreciate
AFI’s frequent use of metal
like breakdowns interspersed
with calm, melodic verses.
The most noticeable
change, stylistically, on
“Decemberunderground” is
AFI’s experimentation with
electronic percussion beats.
Many of the songs on the
record make use of industrial
percussion that draws com
parisons to Nine Inch Nails.
However, it is safe to say that
the album still features heavy
guitars and rapid, non-elec
tronic drums prominently.
Although the electronic
percussion often seems to
distract from the rest of the
song and occasionally creates
a sense of redundancy, AFI
has made a record that the
goth-punks of the group’s fan
club, the Despair Faction, are
likely to rejoice over.
BECK: Long sold-out concerts excite true fans
► From Page 1
users have a problem with
the order page, those tickets
will be re-released about 10
minutes later.
Before the tickets sold
out, Greene said he “was
completely freaking out.”
He didn’t know if the
shows — both of which he
said were “kind of” planned
from the beginning — were
going to work out.
“I thought, ‘Well, I’m going
BECK
When: 9 p.m. Tuesday and
Wednesday (doors at 7)
Where: Georgia Theatre
Cost: Sold Out
1
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125 EAST CLAYTON STREET • DOWNTOWN • 546-8826
to lose a lot of money, but it’s
going to be a cool show that
people are going to talk
about for years,”’ he said.
He doesn’t even know how
Beck’s visit came about.
“It was luck,” he said.
He said Beck’s manage
ment called the Theatre.
“My response was, ‘Why?’”
Greene said.
He took the offer, but just
because both shows sold out
doesn’t mean Greene’s going
to become rich overnight.
Greene said Beck and his
management will get a good
chunk of change, but he did
n’t want to give exact figures.
“This will not be the most
profitable show of the year,”
Greene said. “We’re not get
ting rich doing this — we’re
doing it because we love it.”
Stopping Scalpers
He said he hopes the pub
lic doesn’t ruin the show by
causing problems or trying to
scalp tickets.
Extra security will be pres
ent for the shows, and tickets
are available at will call only,
so he said only those with
reserved tickets should show
up to the Theatre that night.
He’s doing his part to stop
the scalping that’s happening
online. He said the day before
the second show’s tickets
went on sale, he did a Google
search for “Beck tickets
Georgia Theatre,” as he’s
done everyday since the
announcement of the shows.
“I found a scalper, called
him and placed an order,”
Greene said. “And right
before I was going to give
him my credit card informa
tion, I cussed him out.”
Even though the event
inevitably will contain some
notable individuals, Beck
fans were able to get tickets.
Sarah Waldron, a rising
sophomore from Jefferson
and employee at 40 Watt
Club and WUOG, is waiting
to see if she can get tickets.
She’s never seen Beck per
form before, but she said
she’s actually a fan and not
just somebody wanting to go
to the show due to the hype.
“I don’t know much about
his shows, but I think the
Georgia Theatre will be cool
because it’s smaller, and he
seems like a bigger artist
than you would expect to
play there,” she said.
Christian Greenwood, a
clerk at Schoolkids Records,
also is attending a show.
He attended a Beck show
in Dallas in about 1995.
“It was a little big, around
1500 people,” he said. “(The
show) was pretty amazing. It
was his version of a James
Brown show.”
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