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8A I Friday, September i, 2006 | The Red & Black
VARIETY
795 Baxter Street
Athens, GA 30605
10:30 a.m-12:00 a.m. Su-Wed
10:30 a.m-3:00 a.m. Th-Sat
Chicken Fingers
www.raisingcanes.com
Hair-raising dating situations
PT and Kelly answer your questions about body hair excess
Dear PT,
I’ve been dating a girl for a
few weeks, and while every
thing about her seems great,
just the other night I noticed
something that’s made me
reconsider my feelings. She
has a mustache. It’s only
noticeable in certain light
from a certain angle — but
it’s just enough to make me
uncomfortable when I’m kiss
ing her. How can I talk to her
about this, or is this com
pletely impossible to address
lightly?
— Hung Up On Hair
Dear Hung Up — and
every other guy out there
wondering the same thing,
I’ll take the bullet on this
one.
A public service announce
ment needs to be made to
some of the ladies out there.
I have had numerous friends
over the years complain
about this phenomenon, but
none of them have ever had
the cajones to actually con
front their better halves.
I feel it is my journalistic
duty to publicly address this
issue on behalf of the male
population.
Some of you ladies have
facial hair — usually located
on the upper lip, between the
eyebrows and ever so rarely
on the chin.
We’re not trying to hate on
your genetic predispositions.
All we’re asking is that you
take some cosmetic responsi
bility to alleviate our childish
insecurities. Pluck it, wax it,
Nair it, burn it off with acid
for all we care; just please
make it go away, because the
truth of the matter is; if we
wanted to feel a mustache
while making out with some
body, we’d date other dudes
— and perhaps some of you
who enjoy the she-stache
should consider this a possi
bility.
Now, some of you girls will
read this and won’t think I’m
talking to you.
Here’s the test — Look in
the mirror. Take a good, close
look at your chin or upper lip.
Did you see hair?
If you said, “no,” look
again, because you probably
just lied to yourself. It’s okay.
For a long time, body odor
was a big taboo to talk
about. Now it’s perfectly OK
to talk about it.
Hopefully, one day female
facial hair will be just as
KELLY SKINNER
kskinner@randb.com
▲
casual an issue. Please don’t
think I’m picking on you and
don’t know what it’s like.
You’re not alone in having
to deal with this problem.
Many of us males — who
either prefer or are preferred
to be clean-shaven — have to
partake in the dreadful daily
— or weekly if we can get
away with it — ritual of facial
shaving.
Nonetheless, we get rid of
the hair because we love you
and aim to impress. We are
immensely appreciative of
the ridiculous extent to
which many of you already go
in order to impress us, but if
you’re going to do something,
do it right and don’t half-ass
it.
Hate on me all you want,
but it will only prove that I’m
right and that this is in fact a
widely known, yet rarely
addressed issue.
Don’t bother asking your
boyfriends. They will lie to
you.
I, on the other hand,
couldn’t care less about your
feelings.
For every girl who reads
this and gets upset or offend
ed, there’s a guy laughing his
ass off or telling me thanks.
It’s funny — because it’s
true.
—PT
Dear Kelly,
A couple of nights ago I
was over at my girlfriend’s
house and to my great sur
prise, I discovered she had a
hair growing out of her nip
ple.
She actually had a couple
of these, and I’m pretty sure
she doesn’t know about
them.
I feel like kind of like a
jerk, but it really bothers me.
My question actually has
three parts —
a) Is this normal?
b) How do I tell her nicely
to get rid of the hair without
embarrassing her?
PT UMPHRESS
pumphress@randb.com
c) Is it OK for me to tell
her to get rid of the hair?
Any help you could give
me — immediately please —
would be greatly appreciated.
— A Tit Bit Nipply
Dear Nipply,
To answer the first part of
your question, you have to
keep in mind that we are a
species descended from apes.
Apes have hairy titties.
They actually have hairy
everything. So, it shouldn’t
be too big of a surprise that
your girlfriend has a few nip
ple hairs.
Your mother probably has
a few of them as well, but
hopefully your memories of
them are so foggy that you
cannot recall whether this is
true or not.
I would say your girl
friend’s nipple hairs are the
least of your problems.
Since this area is tender,
shaving the hair is probably
not a smart choice.
If she wants to rid herself
of these beasties, a small pair
of scissors would be her best
— and safest — option.
However, I feel that you
might freak her out if you
scissor the hair while she’s
sleeping. Before I figure out a
way to tell you how to solve
this dilemma, I have to ask,
how groomed are you?
Are you slippery as a seal?
Is your body totally bald?
How sexy are your nipples?
If you feel confident in
your body hair maintenance,
you will be ready for her cer
tain retaliation.
So how do you tell her?
My suggestion of ways not
to tell her!
a) Do not mention her
hairy chest while watching
nature programs. As in, “Hey,
that grizzly bear’s boobs kind
of remind me of...”
b) Do not mention the
nipples during a dental floss
commercial or try to be funny
by saying, “I flossed last
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night ... in your bed”
c) Do not glare at her
when she encourages you to
eat spinach because it “puts
hair on your chest.”
With these guidelines in
mind, it is time to tell her —
if this is really causing you
this much discomfort.
It might be a good idea to
tell her while you are both in
a goofy mood.
Maybe next time she is
running her hand through
your chest thicket, you could
do the same.
Then you could stop —
pretend like it isn’t a big deal
— and say, “Oh my gosh, you
have a hair!”
Be funny and sweet and
ask if she’d like you to trim it.
She will probably be a little
bit embarrassed, but if you
pretend like it is no big deal,
she’ll probably continue to
take her shirt off in front
of you — but do some trim
ming.
Or maybe you could ask
her sometime what she
thinks about your body hair.
She will expect your com
ments about hers.
You could say something
like, “I think you’re gorgeous.
Your curves are perfect, I love
your smile, blah blah blah.”
Then you could say, “I
wouldn’t change a thing.”
Later on, once she starts
kissing you, you could just
happen to come across a nip
ple hair and mention it to
her.
Delicately suggest that
she remove it. Remember
through all of this you do not
have to be cruel to be kind.
Be honest, but be sneaky.
The sooner you do this, the
better.
I don’t want you pushing
this girl away just because
she’s a little bit on the furry
side.
And remember — even the
most magnificent mountains
are not without a bit of
shrubbery.
— Kelly
If you have any questions
of your own for PT or Kelly,
please send them to
pumphress@randb.com or
kskinner@randb. com.
Send all hate mail to
opinions @r andb.com.
This Day and Age
album has variety
but no excitement
By MICHELLE FLOYD
mfloyd@randb.com
An opening song tells a
lot about the rest of an
album.
It’s usually the first one
that’s played — unless the
buyer is a single junkie and
skips straight to the song
he or she heard on the
radio.
Although the first song
on This Day & Age’s latest
release, “the bell and the
hammer,” might not have
been the best pick for such,
it does give a preview of
what is to come — long,
lyric-driven songs that have
a lot of variation.
“More of a Climb, Less of
a Walk” doesn’t jump out at
the listener. It could turn
some people off.
It starts with slow vocals
and lyrics. But fans of the
New York-based band
should keep listening — it
does get heavier (and bet
ter) as the song goes along.
More guitars, piano sounds
and background vocals help
it out.
But some might want to
turn it before it’s over — it’s
about two minutes too long,
clocking in at about six and
a half minutes.
Turners won’t miss much
— the end is just repeated
lyrics and some guitars,
similar to a lot of parts of
songs on the album.
This CD would be much
better if some of the songs
were cut in half (or at least
chopped a little). There are
a handful that are about
five to six minutes long,
which is just sometimes too
much to listen to, especially
for first—timers of the
group.
“Of Course We’ve All
Seen the Sun” is almost
a pointless song. It
features heavy piano, then
adds some drums. It’s all
instruments for more
than a minute. Then there
are only a few vocals that
are almost not understand
able most of the time,
which could easily bore
THIS DAY AND AGE
‘THE BELL AND
THE HAMMER’
Grade: C
Verdict: Expect to hear a lot of
lyric-driven songs, but expect to be
bored at times too.
the listener.
But the whole album
isn’t a bore.
“Winter Winter Spring,”
which is only almost four
minutes, is dancey at times
and very lyric driven —
“Hey, that’s the wrong way
... you can go your own way
... I’ve never been so lost...
I tried to be in control...
yes, it’s true — I’m the one
who needs you.”
“Second Star to the
Right” has lots of piano
mixed with guitars, almost
Billy Joel-esque at times,
except for the vocals, which
could be considered remi
niscent of Modern Skirts.
The title track also
might not be the best pick
to name the album after.
It starts off with slow
lead vocals and airy back
ground ones and some soft
background instruments
that are xylophone-like.
Then, almost a minute
into it there’s a turn at a
heavy beat that could
almost scare the listener
before going into heavier
vocals and guitars.
To most listeners, espe
cially fans of the band, the
album is worth the $13.
Some buyers just may
have to do some editing
with the fast forward
button.
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