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THE ATLANTlAN
17
WHY A TEETOTLER BEATS A
MODERATE.
Col. George E. Blythe, of Columbus,
was relating in a Columbus armory
stories of the Civil War. “The can
teen, its u'e and abuse,” said Colonel
Blythe, "occupied the minds of the civ
ilians a good deal during the war. I
remember the anti-canteen meeting
that I attended, with a couple of dozen
colonels and generals, in Charleston.
A funny thing occurred at this meet
ing.
W. A. SIMS,
Vice-President Guarantee Trust &
Banking Company.
“So that night, after the lecturer had
finished his own speech, he said:
“‘Ladies and Gentlemen: We have
with us this evening Brother Dash,
proprietor of the largest bar in Char
leston. Brother Dash prefers a tee
totaler to a moderate drinker any day.
and he will now tell us why.’
“Landlord Dash arose amid loud ap
plause.
“ ‘Friends,’ he said, ‘I’ll tell you how
it is. A moderate drinker comes to my
saloon, orders a large beer, collars all
the morning papers, takes the best arm \
chair in the place, and stays for three-
quarters of an hour—and all 1 get out
of it is a nickel.
“ ‘Now, a teetotaler, he rushes up to
the back door, buys a quart of whis
key, buttons his vest over it, and is
off like the wind. He don’t give a
grain of trouble, and I’m in 75 cents.' ”
ONE HIT AND NOBODY OUT.
Big Bill Taft, mighty pitcher and
captain of the Nationals, stepped
blithely into the pitcher’s box, says Lip-
pincott’s. It was the first game of the
season. The grandstands and the bleach
ers were thronged with expectant specta
tors, for Taft was a prime favorite and
believed to have many new and intricate
curves.
At the bat was Aldrich, captain of
the Senators, and one of the best batters
of the league. It was a tense moment.
Taft smiled. Then he signalled to the
catcher.
“He’s going to throw an income tax,”
whispered a shrewd reporter in the press-
box. ‘‘Watch him. Aldrich will never
BEAUTIFUL CHINA
For
Birthday
and
Wedding
Presents
We have no Branch Stores
“The chief speaker, a Savannah
man, had happened to get into conver
sation with the landlord of the hotel
in the afternoon, and the landlord had
said that, speaking out of a vast ex
perience, he preferred a total abstain
er to a moderate drinker any day.
“ ‘Will you come to our anti-canteen
meeting?’ said the lecturer, eagerly,
‘and address us on that head?’
“ ‘Sure, I will,’ said the hotel man.
DR. BILL ELKIN,
Popular Retail Druggist, a Great
Booster for Atlanta.
hit it.”
A moment more Taft waited. Ho
glanced at the rest of the team, motion
ed the outfield to play close in, as the
worst that could happen would be a pop
up or a Texas leaguer. He looked at the
people again and smiled.
Then, with all the grace of a well-
groomed bovine, ho drew himself up and
sent the ball swiftly over the plate.
‘‘Strike one,” the umpire almost said,
so sure was he that Pop Aldrich could
never hit the income tax curve.
But Pop knew better. As he saw it
coming, he drew hack his bat and met
the ball squarely. Up and up and away
it flew, to the consternation of all, over
hill and dale, fences and skyscrapers,
and by the time they found the ball the
game had to bo called on account of
darkness.
A SYSTEM THAT WORKED
WELL.
A man walked into a railroad office
and addressed the chief clerk, who was
his friend, and asked him if he coulc
recommend a good filing system, says
Judge’s Library. The chief clerk ex
plained the system he was using, and
his frieml left, saying he would install
the same kind in his office.
About two weeks later the chief clerk
met his friend.
‘‘Well, how is your filing system?”
“Oil, it works fine!”
“How is business?”
‘ ‘ Not much. You see, it is this way.
We have to spend so much time working
the filing system, we haven’t any time
left for business.”
BRIGHT BITS.
Houston—“The French may now buy
; our stocks on their Bourse. ’ ’
Mulberry—“They would find it safer
to marry them, as usual.”—Puck.
Teacher—You can’t add two different
kinds of things. For instance, you can’t
add an orange and an apple and get.
more apples.
Johnny—But, teacher, when you add a
piece of meat and a dog you get more
dog.—Harvard Lampoon.
‘ ‘ Do you agree with the professor who
says women get the worst of it in this
world ? ’ ’
“ I do, but how are we going to change
the situation as long as they will not
learn to quit stepping off backward from
moving cars?”—Chicago Record-Herald.
Percy Pickle—Aw—I thought T heard
you tell Miss Wose that you were novel
kissed by a man.
Miss Tabasco—So 1 did.
Percy Pickle—But—aw—pawdon me;
I kissed you lawst night.
Miss Tabasco—I said a man.—Phila
delphia Bulletin.
“A play,” remarked the theatrical
nanager, “is like a cigar.”
“What’s the answer?” inquired the
nnocent reporter.
“If it's good,” explained the man
ager, “everyone wants a box, and if it’s
bad no amount of puffing will make it
draw. ”—Bystander.
Ned—Honest, are these jokes original
with you?
Ted—On my honor—I wrote them all.
Ned—But why?
Ted—To support my family.
Ned—But if your family is as old as
those jokes it must be fully able to
support itself.—Cleveland oLader.
“So you are convinced that Bacon
wrote the Shakesperian plays?”
“I am,” answered the British dram-
utits.
“But Bacon was a politician rather
than a poet.”
“That’s just the point. Only a man
with a political pull could have produced
some of those plays without trouble with
government censorship. ’ ’—Washington
Star.
THIRDLY.
A student undergoing examination in
the principles of mechanics was asked:
“Why will not a pin stand on its
point?”
He returned the following answer, says
Pearson’s:
“In the first place, a point is defined
•y Euclid as that which has no parts and
o magnitude, and how can a pin stand
or. that which hath no parts and no mag
nitude?
“In the second place, a pin will not
stand on its head, much less, therefore,
will it stand on its point.
“Thirdly, and lastly, it will, if you
stick it in hard enough. ’
Down on the Island of Barbados a
wind storm picked up a negress, carried
her a mile and a half, then dropped her
into a tree top.
Here in the States the wind is gener
ally well-behaved. Sometimes, though, it
jumps the speed limit, and then there's
trouble.