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RELATIONSHIPS
Why Women Stay In Relationships Too Long
By Gerrie E. Summers
Natalie had a major love in her life.
Problem was, Mike never loved her and
would disappear and reappear over the
course of six years. Understandably
angry each time, she’d vow that it was
over, Mike would wander back into her
life, and she’d let him back in. In her
discussions of Mike, Natalie lamented
over how no matter many times she told
him she loved him, not once did he
reciprocate to make her feel loved,
cared for, cherished or even treated
with respect. Growing up, Natalie’s
father was an alcoholic; her parents
were too involved in their own
problems to give her the love she
needed. In fact, as the oldest child of
three, in her early teens Natalie took on
the role of caretaker of the family. In
her relationships, Natalie, desired
someone who would take care of her
and do things for her, but only attracted
emotionless, selfish men she ended up
caring for. As for her family, her care
was never acknowledged or
appreciated.
Why do so many women remain in
relationships they should really leave?
At deeper levels, some women stay if
there are children involved, issues of
financial dependence or fear of physical
abuse. There could be unresolved
problems from the past that she believes
a partner can solve, or may see a partner
as someone who can fill a void,
something she feels is lacking in her.
“I think if a relationship is bad,
[then] at some level abuse may be
happening,” says Julia Boyd,
psychotherapist with Group Health
Cooperative in Seattle and author of In
The Company Of My Sisters: Black
Women And Self-Esteem and the new
Girlfriend To Girlfriend: Everyday
Wisdom And Affirmations From The
Sister Circle. “It may not be that
dramatic, traumatic kind of abuse, but
even emotional neglect, it can be a'form
of abuse. If you’re having an affair,
that’s abuse. That’s an abuse of trust. I
realize that an abuse is a strong word,
but on some level maybe if our words
were stronger, our actions would be
stronger.”
Illusion and denial often build the
inner walls that keep women trapped.
Natalie was admittedly caught up in
“the whole savior issue.” She always
believed that Mike needed her, and by
her being loving, he would eventually
change and make the move toward
commitment. She believed this even
though he often told her that he didn’t
love her and never would.
Most would attribute Natalie’s
behavior to a lack of self-esteem, but
Julia Boyd sees that as placing women
in the often false category of victim.
“One reason I have found that tends to
stand out again and again is the belief
that their love and caring can change
that other person’s behavior. In that
instance, I think that these women have
a self-esteem that may not be a good
self-esteem, but I think that on some
level for them it’s a positive statement.
In order to believe that you can change
someone’s behavior by loving and
caring for them, that must say that you
feel good about yourself, that you feel
that what you have to offer is topnotch.
I don’t think that these women would
say that they remain in these
relationships because they’ve made the
wrong choice or because they like it.
That’s again making the woman a
victim, and I don’t think that’s true. We
don’t go into abusive relationships
because we want to be hurt. We go in
with the belief that something different
is going to happen... they don’t
recognize that the other person, the
abusive person is in control of his own
behavior. When we say, ‘Honey, you
should just get outta there,’ what we’re
saying to them is just dismiss the
person. But we’re not taught that.
“Women are taught to hang in there
at all costs. We’re given that message
that somehow brokers are made out of
glass and you’d better treat them right
or they’ll break. And you know you can
break them because society has already
cracked them enough,” continued
Boyd. “If you don’t buy into that, then
automatically you’re labeled. I’ve heard
more sisters get mad at other sisters
behind saying that a brother is abusive
than I have about anything else. Even
when he was abusive, it’s kind of like
we’ve got to protect them at all costs,
and the reality is, ‘Wait a minute -
who’s responsible for who here? Is it
not true that they can be responsible for
themselves? That they have more
control over their behavior than I’ll ever
have? We really have to start examining
that kind of message that we’re putting
out there.’
Angie would agree. “Women are
raised so much to be responsible for
making a relationship work, they end
up feeling that they must do everything
in their power to keep things alive.
They don’t know when to let go and
move on. Men are kind of quick to cut
their losses and move on to the next.
Women aren’t raised like that.”
Angie has always been in long-term
relationships one too long, “because I
was the one trying so hard to keep it
together. The person that I was seeing
was acting like he really wasn’t
interested, so I found myself really
trying hard to make the relationship
work. You end up staying in
relationships like that longer than you
should. I’m all for trying to make things
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