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work, but you can’t be the only one
trying to make it work. If you’re the
only one that feels that it’s worth it, it’s
a pointless exercise. If it’s not working
and you’ve given it your best shot, just
let it die and move on.”
But some women, like Josie, are
simply not ready for the dating
minefield, to tiptoe through, avoiding
potentially dangerous partners, only to
get blown apart again. The Devil you
know is better than the Devil you don’t
know. “You could end one relationship
and you’re going to get into another bad
one anyway,” Josie explains.
And it certainly doesn’t help when,
for the most part, the relationship is
good. Even harder is leaving a
relationship with a man who was kind
and giving, but there was no future
(such as being with a married man) - or
there may be a situation where in a
partner has been betrayed. Anita was
addicted to Gene because “he was a
fantasy come true. He could bring out
the wildest part of me. He was great
sexually, as a matter of fact, the best I
ever had. I guess I was whipped and
couldn’t get enough.”
“He was also nice and generous,”
she adds, and the relationship went on
for years. Even though Anita would see
other people, they could never measure
up. “I think I could have lived with
anything-with him, with the
relationship-but he told me something
that was untrue and it just killed the
trust and respect, and once that was
gone, I don’t care how good the sex
was, it killed everything for me. I know
that the relationship went on way too
long and I had seen signs... but I
ignored them.”
The investment of time is another
factor. “Women devote a lot of
themselves emotionally into relation
ships,” says Natalie. “So, they’ll stick
with it longer to give it a shot.”
“Because we place so much value
and emotional energy into our
relationships,” says Boyd, making the
decision to leave becomes more
difficult. “You need to assess what
you’d rather be doing if the relationship
isn’t working for you, and recognize
that even when we let go of something
bad, there’s a period of grief. We need
to allow ourselves to grieve the loss,
and it’s not just the loss of the
relationship but the loss of the hope that
we had in the relationship. When we
start that process, that’s when the
healing starts.”
During the period of grief, Boyd
suggests talking to friends or a therapist
if necessary. “What I don’t advise is
jumping into another relationship
because when you do that, you’re
taking that baggage with you, and you
haven’t had a chance to adequately
process what happened. Pamper
yourself like crazy. If you need to take
a vacation, take some time off. If you
need to work more, it doesn’t hurt to
indulge yourself in work. Do something
tangible. Get a new hairstyle. If you
want to lose or gain some weight, this
may be the time to do it. You need to do
something that’s going to let you see
that change is happening, and change
isn’t a bad thing.”
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VOLUME 5 ISSUE 24